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Attitudes
They'll Never
Right Thinking
One Liners
No Bonus
Fear Of Speed
Answer Machine
Only in America
Get Me Another Doctor
Never Got Caught
A Terrible Headache
A Pesky Customer
The Real Me
My Ancestry
Happy Christians
For The Funeral
Not Batted Yet
The Tater Family
Can't Swim, Can He?
As Good As Your Dog
He Did It On Purpose
Capital Punishment
Attitudes 2
Want Credit
Her First Jump
Feel Inadequate
Alarm Clock
Having A Baby
Why Worry?
You Did Well
Will Power
One Liners
Best Compliment
It Isn't Opportunity
Makes A Difference
Late And Law Breakers
No Special Privileges
So, Who's Crazy
Power In Numbers
Optimism Or Stupidity
Didn't Recognize You
Parachute Paradigm
Attitudes 3
Word Rules
Dance Also
Ring The Bell
Repeat That
Get With It
Too Polite
Real Self-control
Miss You
Getting Kicked
Not Hollering
Never Been Wrong
No Driver's License
Without His Wallet
Prefer Darkness
Only When It Breaks
Dangerous Assumption
Only If Kindness Fails
Didn't Know Her That Well
Business
Only One Buying
Just Like You
Business Signs
Good And Bad
Not A Quitter
Need Imagination
Asleep On The Job
Smart Business
Management Styles
Never Give Me Work
Performance Reviews
Business Is Business
It's In The Translation
Using Copy Machine
Employment Recommendations
When Can You Start
Business 2
Wrong Location
Not A Madhouse
Ad Got Results
Fitness Program
Too Polite
Letters to Landlords
More Than Mother
He's My Friend
How To Succeed
Is It Necessary?
I'll Not Open The Store
Yes -- No -- Yes -- No
Knew What To Say
Worth Ten Dollars
Your First Worry
Management Translated
Successful Job Placement
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Religious
Wife Will Want To
Minutes To Kill
What's a Lie?
Hanging Pastors
First Fight
Pastor Sick
Deacon's Call
Mother's Prayer
Missing Something
Get Rid Of Pastor
It's In Your Pockets
Narrow Baptists
No Excuse Sunday
God, If You're In There
Haven't Missed Too Much
Knew He Was Coming
Ten Little Christians
Prayer of Black Preacher
Professor Has No Brain
Three Churches In Revival
They Will Come And Get It
Religious 2
Pastoral Candidates
Bible And TV Guide
Baptize Everybody
We Need Light
Jesus Said What
Burning Bush
Attend Church
Baptized Bats
Deep And Wide
Atheist Complaint
Brother's Funeral
Church Didn't Help
Extermination
What The Bible Means
Signs You Don't Know The Bible
Bible Stories Told By Children
Religious 3
Church Signs
Praise Music
Too Busy
For The Sick
Meeting Of Board
Wanted In A Pastor
Prayer of Bud Robinson
Church Members Are Like
Sunday To Be Absent
Never Heard In Church
Religious 4
Momentum
God Can
Phenomenon
Heat Is Awful
Restart Sermon
His Crowd
10 Inches Deep
Minister Forgot
Found No God
Hurt The Church
Finished Sermon
Looking For Trouble
Ecumenical Meeting
Learn From A Nut
Indian Unimpressed
Notify The Buzzards
Sermon Like Peace ...
Really Long Sermon
Jack, It’s God!
Really Knows The Bible
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Just Funny
Lady Said Pew
Pilot To Tower
Can't At Night
Shoot Them
Duck, Turkey
Run Fast
Crazy English
Duck
Funny Lines
No Way
Keep Quiet
Kiss A Mule
Loan That Mule
Praise The Lord
Just Funny 2
Slip Of The Tongue
Great To Be A Dog
You're Pitching
Cross That One
Don't ask Her
Cannibals
Why Is It?
Doctor Said
Cat Scan
Pull
I'm Married
Tough Teacher
Lucky Guess
Looking Good
Chewing Gum
Methuselah's Diet
Can't Fool With Me
Just Funny 3
Psychiatric Hotline
Blonde On Other Side
Wait For Police
Sic Him Jesus
Free Tickets
Cured Her Hiccups
Greatest Lies
Bumper Stickers
Moses And George W. Bush
Football's Contribution
You Know It's Bad
Just Funny 4
Parrot Tells All
Move the Cow
Check Bounced
Corn Bread
Next Door
Girl Kittens
Mother Knows
Dog Training
Dog Can't Read
Didn't Want Ball
Now You Tell Me
Undress
Robber And Ranger
Red-faced Mother
Same Old Story
The Destructions
Mouse Sounds
Bad Language
Why Did Chicken Cross Road
Just Funny 5
Spy Game
New Diet
Quick Thinking
Dieter's Prayer
Comfortable
Cure For It
Martin Luther
Not In The Tree
Write That Down
Some Never Learn
Pretty Concrete
Relationships
Gifts For Mother
That's Why
It's Chicken
Big Sissy
Ring Bear
Day Off
Job At 7-Up
Just Married
It's Your Deer
Third Husband
A Speaking Part
Marriage Discovery
Changed My Mind
Age Jokes
How Soon
His Turn
Seven Ages
Memories
Not My Problem
Golden Old Age
Life Of Party
Can Still Drive
Just Too Tired
Tired Of You
Poem Of Elderly
Age Jokes 2
A Surprise
Her Zip
All Widows
Young Bride
Over The Hill
Smart Parents
Who's Driving
Not On The Ark
What's Her Name?
More Getting Old
Perfect Attendance
No Peer Pressure
Couldn't Remember
Funny Bits
Guard Fired
Talk About You
So Far, So Good
Should Know
Difficult English
Gifts You Don't Like
When Speeding
Stop Or Slow Down
Murphy's Law
More Murphy's Law
Monster In The Garage
Unsuccessful Inventions
Geological Questions
Funny Bits 2
Where Are The Stones?
Blonde: Yes No Yes No
Who's Dumb
Eating Peanuts
Blonde And Patrolman
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Go To:
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Meeting of the Board:
We say that God isn't impressed with large numbers
and man shouldn't be depressed with small ones.
And that's true.
But it's a fact that a full sanctuary leaves a positive impact
on the people in the pew as well as on the pastor in the pulpit.
All of which says that when we are absent without good reason,
everyone stands to lose.
An item from a church newsletter makes this point in a unique way.
It's entitled, “Calling a Meeting of the Board:”
"The board of absentees will meet each time a service of the church is in session.
They will discuss various ways of keeping attendance as low as possible.
They will endeavor to see that there is no enthusiasm, and help to decrease the offerings.
The board will also seek to weaken the pastor's influence, and plan various ways
to hinder any revival efforts and all visitation programs in or by the church.
The board of absentees is composed of the following members:
Mr. I.M. Unconcerned,
Mrs O.U. Hypocrite,
Mr. and Mrs. U.R. Lazy,
Mrs. C. Others, and
Mr. I.M. Disgruntled, chairman."
See: Heb 10:24-25; Heb 13:17
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Church Members Are Like:
A lot of members are like wheelbarrows -- not good unless pushed.
Some are like canoes -- need to be paddled.
Some are like kites -- if a string isn't kept on them, they fly away.
Some are like kittens -- more contented when petted.
Some are like balloons -- full of wind and ready to blow up.
Some are like footballs -- you can't tell which way they'll bounce next.
Some are like trailers -- they have to be pulled.
Some are like neon lights -- they keep going on and off.
Many, thank goodness, are like the North Star -- there when you need them, dependable and ever loyal."
See: Phil 1:27
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Church Signs:
Prayer gives you a calm-plex.
Feeling let down today? Try looking up.
T.G.I.F. -- Thank God I'm Forgiven
Jesus invested His life in you. Have you shown any interest?
Get an afterlife
My way is the High Way -- God
Will the road that you're travelling on get you to my place? God
Have you read my number 1 best seller? There will be a test. God
It's never too soon to plan for eternity.
If you don't want the fruits of sin, stay out of the Devil's orchard.
Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!
Hot outside? Try one of our Sundays!
Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.
Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!
An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands
holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed
and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets".
When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign
with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated
with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too.
People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot water
before you know how strong they are.
God so loved the world that He did not send a committee.
Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!
When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right.
Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday.
Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily.
How will you spend eternity -- Smoking or Nonsmoking?
Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives
Come work for the Lord.
The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low.
But the retirement benefits are out of this world.
It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin
Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.
If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.
If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again.
Looking at the way some people live,
they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon.
This is a ch_ _ch. What is missing? ---------> (U R)
Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
In the dark? Follow the Son.
Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up.
If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.
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Wanted In A Pastor:
When a church seeks a pastor, they want the strength of an eagle,
the grace of a swan, the gentleness of a dove,
the friendliness of a sparrow, and the night hours of an owl.
And when they catch that bird, they expect the pastor to live on the food of a canary.
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Sundays To Be Absent:
Dear Pastor:
You often stress attendance at worship as being very important for a Christian,
but I think a person has a right to miss now and then.
I think every person ought to be excused for the following reasons
and the number of times indicated:
Christmas (Sunday before or after)
New Year (Party lasted too long)
Easter (Get away for holidays)
July 4 (National holiday)
Labor Day (Need to get away)
Memorial Day (Visit hometown)
School Closing (Kids need break)
School Opens (One last fling)
Family Reunions (Mine & wife's)
Sleep late (Saturday night activities)
Deaths in Family
Anniversary (Second honeymoon)
Sickness (One per family member)
Business Trips (A must)
Vacation (Three weeks)
Bad Weather (Ice, snow, rain, clouds)
Ball games
Unexpected Company (Can't walk out)
Time changes (Spring ahead; fall back)
Special on TV (Super Bowl, etc.)
Pastor, that leaves only two Sundays per year.
So, you can count on us to be in church on the fourth Sunday in February
and the third Sunday in August unless providentially hindered.
Sincerely,
A Faithful Member
See: Heb 10:25
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The prayer of Bud Robinson: (a preacher of years ago)
"O God, give me a backbone as big as a saw-log
and ribs like the sleepers under this church.
Put iron shoes all my feet and galvanize my britches.
Hang a wagonload of determination of the gable end of my soul
and help me to sign a contract to fight the devil
as long as I've got a fist and bite him as long as I've got a tooth
and gum him till I die, for Jesus' sake, amen!"
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Jesus Wanted By:
The FDA for turning water into wine without a license.
The EPA for killing fig trees.
The AMA for practicing medicine without a license.
The Dept. of Health for asking people to open graves, for raising the dead
and for feeding 5,000 people in the wilderness.
The NEA for teaching without a certificate.
OSHA for walking on water without a life-jacket and for flying without an airplane.
The SPCA for driving hogs into the sea.
The NATIONAL BOARD of PSYCHIATRISTS for giving advice on how to live a guilt-free life.
The NOW for not choosing a woman apostle.
The ABORTION RIGHTS LEAGUE for saying that whoever harms children,
it is better that they had never been born.
The INTER-FAITH MOVEMENT for condemning all other religions.
And by the ZONING DEPT for building mansions without a permit.
-- Warren W. Wiersbe, THE INTEGRITY CRISIS
(Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1991), p. 22.
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Never Heard In Church:
“Hey! It's my turn to sit on the front pew!”
”I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went over time 25 minutes.”
“Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.”
“I've decided to give our church the $500.00 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.”
“I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.”
“Forget the minimum salary: let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.”
“I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!”
“Since we're all here, let's start the worship service early!”
“Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.”
“Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!”
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Too Busy:
The frenzied activities of Christians
have made someone revise the old nursery rhyme to read:
“Mary had a little lamb
‘Twas given her to keep
But then it join the Baptist Church
And died for lack of sleep.”
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For The Sick:
A little girl came to church with her mother,
which was a well-known member of the church.
The little girl had eaten a large breakfast of 13 pancakes.
She became sick at her stomach and her mother told her
to go across the street from the church to a home, and there she could find relief.
At the close of the service, the mother said to the preacher,
"I suppose you noticed Mary had to get up and leave.
I sent her across the street to the home of a friend to find relief!"
"No, mother," said the little girl. "I didn't have to go across the street.
I used the box nailed there on the wall!"
She pointed to a contribution box beside the door
on which was a printed card with the words -- "For the sick!"
Sure enough!
She had given all she had!
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Praise Music:
An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended the big city church.
He came home and his wife asked him how it was.
"Well," said the farmer, "It was good. They did something different, however.
They sang praise choruses instead of hymns."
"Praise choruses," said his wife, "What are those?"
"Oh, they're okay. They're sort of like hymns, only different," said the farmer.
"Well, what's the difference?" asked the wife.
The farmer said, "Well, it's like this. If I were to say to you,
'Martha, the cows are in the corn,' well that would be a hymn."
"If on the other hand I was to say to you,
'Martha, Martha, Martha, Oh Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA, the cows, the big cows,
the brown cows, the black cows, the white cows, the black and white cows,
the COWS, COWS, COWS, are in the corn, are in the corn,
are in the corn, are in the corn,' . . .
"Well, that would be a praise chorus."
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