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Attitudes
They'll Never
Right Thinking
One Liners
No Bonus
Fear Of Speed

Answer Machine
Only in America
Get Me Another Doctor
Never Got Caught
A Terrible Headache

A Pesky Customer
The Real Me
My Ancestry
Happy Christians
For The Funeral

Not Batted Yet
The Tater Family
Can't Swim, Can He?
As Good As Your Dog
He Did It On Purpose
Capital Punishment

Attitudes 2
Want Credit
Her First Jump
Feel Inadequate
Alarm Clock
Having A Baby

Why Worry?
You Did Well
Will Power
One Liners
Best Compliment

It Isn't Opportunity
Makes A Difference
Late And Law Breakers
No Special Privileges
So, Who's Crazy

Power In Numbers
Optimism Or Stupidity
Didn't Recognize You
Parachute Paradigm

Attitudes 3
Word Rules
Dance Also
Ring The Bell
Repeat That
Get With It

Too Polite
Real Self-control
Miss You
Getting Kicked
Not Hollering

Never Been Wrong
No Driver's License
Without His Wallet
Prefer Darkness
Only When It Breaks

Dangerous Assumption
Only If Kindness Fails
Didn't Know Her That Well

Business
Only One Buying
Just Like You
Business Signs
Good And Bad
Not A Quitter

Need Imagination
Asleep On The Job
Smart Business
Management Styles
Never Give Me Work

Performance Reviews
Business Is Business
It's In The Translation
Using Copy Machine
Employment Recommendations

When Can You Start

Business 2
Wrong Location
Not A Madhouse
Ad Got Results
Fitness Program
Too Polite

Letters to Landlords
More Than Mother
He's My Friend
How To Succeed
Is It Necessary?

I'll Not Open The Store
Yes -- No -- Yes -- No
Knew What To Say
Worth Ten Dollars
Your First Worry

Management Translated
Successful Job Placement

Religious
Wife Will Want To
Minutes To Kill
What's a Lie?
Hanging Pastors
First Fight

Pastor Sick
Deacon's Call
Mother's Prayer
Missing Something
Get Rid Of Pastor

It's In Your Pockets
Narrow Baptists
No Excuse Sunday
God, If You're In There
Haven't Missed Too Much

Knew He Was Coming
Ten Little Christians
Prayer of Black Preacher
Professor Has No Brain
Three Churches In Revival
They Will Come And Get It

Religious 2
Pastoral Candidates
Bible And TV Guide
Baptize Everybody
We Need Light
Jesus Said What

Burning Bush
Attend Church
Baptized Bats
Deep And Wide
Atheist Complaint

Brother's Funeral
Church Didn't Help
Extermination
What The Bible Means
Signs You Don't Know The Bible

Bible Stories Told By Children

Religious 3
Church Signs
Praise Music
Too Busy
For The Sick
Meeting Of Board

Wanted In A Pastor
Prayer of Bud Robinson
Church Members Are Like
Sunday To Be Absent
Never Heard In Church

Religious 4
Momentum
God Can
Phenomenon
Heat Is Awful
Restart Sermon

His Crowd
10 Inches Deep
Minister Forgot
Found No God
Hurt The Church

Finished Sermon
Looking For Trouble
Ecumenical Meeting
Learn From A Nut
Indian Unimpressed

Notify The Buzzards
Sermon Like Peace ...
Really Long Sermon
Jack, It’s God!
Really Knows The Bible

Just Funny
Lady Said Pew
Pilot To Tower
Can't At Night
Shoot Them
Duck, Turkey

Run Fast
Crazy English
Duck
Funny Lines
No Way

Keep Quiet
Kiss A Mule
Loan That Mule
Praise The Lord

Just Funny 2
Slip Of The Tongue
Great To Be A Dog
You're Pitching
Cross That One
Don't ask Her

Cannibals
Why Is It?
Doctor Said
Cat Scan
Pull

I'm Married
Tough Teacher
Lucky Guess
Looking Good
Chewing Gum
Methuselah's Diet
Can't Fool With Me

Just Funny 3
Psychiatric Hotline
Blonde On Other Side
Wait For Police
Sic Him Jesus
Free Tickets

Cured Her Hiccups
Greatest Lies
Bumper Stickers
Moses And George W. Bush
Football's Contribution
You Know It's Bad

Just Funny 4
Parrot Tells All
Move the Cow
Check Bounced
Corn Bread
Next Door

Girl Kittens
Mother Knows
Dog Training
Dog Can't Read
Didn't Want Ball

Now You Tell Me
Undress
Robber And Ranger
Red-faced Mother
Same Old Story

The Destructions
Mouse Sounds
Bad Language
Why Did Chicken Cross Road

Just Funny 5
Spy Game
New Diet
Quick Thinking
Dieter's Prayer
Comfortable

Cure For It
Martin Luther
Not In The Tree
Write That Down
Some Never Learn
Pretty Concrete

Relationships
Gifts For Mother
That's Why
It's Chicken
Big Sissy
Ring Bear

Day Off
Job At 7-Up
Just Married
It's Your Deer
Third Husband

A Speaking Part
Marriage Discovery
Changed My Mind

Age Jokes
How Soon
His Turn
Seven Ages
Memories
Not My Problem

Golden Old Age
Life Of Party
Can Still Drive
Just Too Tired
Tired Of You

Poem Of Elderly

Age Jokes 2
A Surprise
Her Zip
All Widows
Young Bride
Over The Hill

Smart Parents
Who's Driving
Not On The Ark
What's Her Name?
More Getting Old

Perfect Attendance
No Peer Pressure
Couldn't Remember

Funny Bits
Guard Fired
Talk About You
So Far, So Good
Should Know
Difficult English

Gifts You Don't Like
When Speeding
Stop Or Slow Down
Murphy's Law
More Murphy's Law

Monster In The Garage
Unsuccessful Inventions
Geological Questions

Funny Bits 2
Where Are The Stones?
Blonde: Yes No Yes No
Who's Dumb
Eating Peanuts
Blonde And Patrolman

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Momentum

God Can

Phenomenon

Heat Is Awful

Restart Sermon

His Crowd

10 Inches Deep

Minister Forgot

Found No God

Hurt The Church

Finished Sermon

Looking For Trouble

Ecumenical Meeting

Learn From A Nut

Indian Unimpressed

Notify The Buzzards

Sermon Like Peace and...

Really Long Sermon

Jack, It’s God!

Really Knows The Bible

Really Long Sermon:
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave
during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service.
Afterward the pastor asked the man where he had gone.

"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.

"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"

"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then

Indian Unimpressed:
An Indian attended a service one Sunday, but was unimpressed.
When asked about the preacher's sermon he said,
"High wind -- big thunder -- no rain."

Finished Sermon:
Having been bored witless by the world's most boring preacher,
Jack came out of church before the preacher had finished his sermon.
Outside he met a friend who asked, "Has he finished, then?"

He replied, "Oh yes, he's finished, but he won't stop!" . . .

Sermon Like Peace And Mercy:
The city judge went to hear the new preacher.
The new preacher was shaking hands with people as they left the church.

As the judge came out, the preacher asked, "Well your honor, how did you like the sermon?"

"Oh, it was wonderful," replied the judge. "It was like the peace and mercy of God."

The new preacher was so flattered that he said, "Oh, I scarcely hoped to achieve
that level of preaching.
How could you make such a comparison."

"Why, very easily," replied the judge.
"It was like the peace of God because it passed all understanding,
and like His mercy, I thought it would have endured foreve
r."

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God Can:
Someone once asked Jay Kesler, former president of Youth for Christ International,
if he believed that God could make a fish big enough to swallow a man.

As a college president and above average in intelligence,
in a world in which we have learned to split the atom and go to the moon
and send spaceships to Neptune, did Kesler really think that God could make a fish
big enough to swallow a man? I mean really?

Dr. Kesler's reply is one of simple trust in a great God.

He answered, "Let me tell you, I not only believe that He can make such a fish,
but the God who made the sun and the moon and the stars,
if He wanted to, could air-conditioned and carpet the fish
!"

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10-inches Deep:
A boy was sitting on a park bench with one hand resting on an open Bible.
He was loudly exclaiming his praise to God.
"Hallelujah! Hallelujah! God is great!" he yelled without worrying
whether anyone heard him or not.

Shortly after, along came a man who had recently completed some studies at a local university.
Feeling himself very enlightened in the ways of truth and very eager
to show this enlightenment, he asked the boy about the source of his joy.

"Hey" asked the boy in return with a bright laugh,
"Don't you have any idea what God is able to do?
I just read that God opened up the waves of the Red Sea
and led the whole nation of Israel right through the middle
."

The enlightened man laughed lightly, sat down next to the boy and began
to try to open his eyes to the "realities" of the miracles of the Bible.

"That can all be very easily explained.
Modern scholarship has shown that the Red Sea in that area was only 10-inches deep at that time.
It was no problem for the Israelites to wade across
."

The boy was stumped.
His eyes wandered from the man back to the Bible laying open in his lap.

The man, content that he had enlightened a poor, naive young person to the finer points
of scientific insight, turned to go.
Scarcely had he taken two steps when the boy began to rejoice and praise louder than before.
The man turned to ask the reason for this resumed jubilation.

"Wow!" exclaimed the boy happily, "God is greater than I thought!
Not only did He lead the whole nation of Israel through the Red Sea,
He topped it off by drowning the whole Egyptian army in 10-inches of water
!"

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Looking For Trouble:
The new minister had just moved into town.
It was late at night when his wife remembered that their dog, very aptly named "Trouble,"
had not been taken out yet.

Since it was late and most of the neighbors were asleep,
she just slipped on her robe, put the dog on a leash, and stepped out the back door.
Unfortunately, the leash slipped out of her hand and the dog took off to explore the new territory.

She ran around the house hoping to see which direction he had gone.
Just then a police car was passing by and stopped to see if she needed help.

"No, thank you, "she said, "I'm just out of here looking for Trouble."

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Hurt The Church:
A wise old pastor told how some people get mad at the church and decide
they will hurt the church by leaving.
He explained that they were wrong in thinking that their leaving would hurt the church.
“The tree is never hurt when an old dried-up apple falls to the ground

Phenomenon:
This certain country preacher who enjoyed using big words in his sermons.
His favorite was the word, “phenomenon

One of his laymen approached him after a sermon in which he had used it often
and asked, "Pastor, what does that word phenomenon mean?"

The pastor thought for a moment and then replied,
"Well, as you drove your horse and buggy to church this morning,
do you remember going by a green pasture surrounded by a white fence
?"

"Yes."

"Well," the preacher went on, "that was no phenomenon.
And, do you remember that over in the corner of that pasture
there was a black cow eating that green grass
?"

"Yes."

"Well, that was no phenomenon either.
Then, do you recall that in another part of the pasture there was a bluebird sitting
on a brown thistle singing a song
?"

"Yes," the man said.

"Well," the pastor continued, "that was no phenomenon either.

But, if some Sunday morning on your way to church, you pass that green pasture
surrounded by that white fence and you see that black cow sitting on that brown thistle
singing like that bluebird -- that’s a phenomenon
!"

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Restart Sermon:
After a morning worship service, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy
told her Pastor how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.

About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered,
“If you don't be quiet, the Pastor is going to lose his place
and will have to start his sermon all over again!
It worked
."

Momentum:
This bulletin misprint emphasized the need to know the difference between
“momentum” and “momento”:
"Our minister is leaving the church this Sunday.
Will you please send in a small donation?
The congregation wants to give him a little momentum
."

Found No God:
An astronomer was lecturing a group in France, and declared,
"I have swept the universe with my telescope, and I find no God."

A musician appropriately rebuked the astronomer:
"Your statement, sir, is as unreasonable as it is for me to say
that I have taken my violin apart, have carefully examined each part
with a microscope, and have found no music
."

Notify The Buzzards:
A couple named Mr. and Mrs. James Buzzard took care of the memorial gifts and flowers for their church.
One Sunday the bulletin containing this announcement:
"If a loved one dies, please notify the Buzzards."

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Heat Is Awful:
Two men with the same name lived near one another in the same subdivision.
One was a pastor; the other was a salesman.

The pastor died, and about the same time, the salesman took a business trip to Florida.
When he arrived, he sent a telegram to his wife to let her know he had arrived there safely.

By mistake, the message was delivered to the wife of the deceased pastor.
The telegram read: "Arrived safely; heat here awful."

Minister Forgot:
A minister passed along to a beginning preacher a trick he used when he saw
the congregation nodding a bit.
I suddenly say to them, "Last night I held another man's wife in my arms."

When everyone sits up, shocked, I continue, "it was my own dear mother."

The young preacher thought he'd try it.
The next Sunday when most members of his congregation were drowsy,
he said in a loud voice, "You know, last night I held another man's wife in my arms."

Stunned, the congregation sat bolt upright and stared, where upon the preacher stammered,
"Oh, dear -- I've forgotten who she was."

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His Crowd:
A man had been in search of a good church to attend and dropped into one
in which the congregation was reading responsively with the minister.

The congregation droned: "We have left undone those things we ought to have done
and we have done those things which we ought not to have done
."

The man slithered into a pew, smiled in relief, and said to himself:
"Thank goodness, I've found my crowd at last!"

Ecumenical Meeting:
During a recent ecumenical gathering, a secretary rushed in shouting, "The building is on fire!"

The Methodist gathered in the corner and prayed.
The Baptist cried, "Where is the water?"

The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.
The Lutherans posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil.

The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the damage.
The Jews posted symbols on the door hoping the fire would pass.

The Congregationalist shouted, "Every man for himself!"
The Fundamentalist proclaimed, "It's the vengeance of God!"

The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out.
The Christian Scientists concluded that there was no fire.

The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson who was to appoint a committee
to look into the matter and submit a written report.

The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.

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Learn From A Nut:
A minister gave an unusual sermon one day, using a peanut to make
several important points about the wisdom of God in nature.

One of the members greeted him at the close of the service and said,
"Very interesting, Pastor. I never expected to learn so much from a nut."

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Jack, It’s God
A man named Jack was walking along a steep cliff one day when he accidentally got too close
to the edge and fell.
On the way down he grabbed a branch, which temporarily stopped his fall.
He looked down and to his horror saw that the canyon fell straight down for more than a thousand feet.

He couldn't hang onto the branch forever, and there was no way for him to climb up the steep wall of the cliff.
So, Jack began yelling for help, hoping that someone passing by would hear him and lower a rope or something. "HELP! HELP! Is anyone up there? HELP

He yelled for hours, but no one heard him.
He was about to give up when he heard a voice.

"Jack, Jack. Can you hear me?"
"Yes, yes! I can hear you. I'm down here
!"

"I can see you, Jack. Are you all right?"
"Yes, but . . . Who are you, and where are you
?"

"I am the Lord, Jack. I'm everywhere."
"The Lord? You mean, GO
D?"

"That's Me."

"God, please help me! I promise if You'll get me down from here, I'll stop sinning.
I'll be a really good person.
I'll serve You for the rest of my life
."

"Easy on the promises, Jack.
Let's just get you down from there; then we can talk.
Now, here's what I want you to do.
Listen carefully
."

"I'll do anything, Lord. Just tell me what to do."

"Okay. Let go of the branch."

"What?"

"I said, let go of the branch. Just trust Me. Let go."

There was a long silence.

Finally Jack yelled, "HELP! HELP! IS ANYONE ELSE UP THERE?"

Have you ever felt like Jack?
We say that we want to know the will of God, but when we find out what it is, we can't handle it.
It sounds too scary, too difficult.
We decide to look elsewhere.

When He says, "Let go of the things that stand between you and Me, and trust Me with your life,"
it sounds pretty scary.

But when we let go, we find freedom and safety in His hands.

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Really Knows The Bible
Most church members who attend church every Sunday have a very superficial knowledge
 of the Word of God.
Years ago I read of a lawyer who became aggravated with one of his fellow lawyers
who kept winning his cases by quoting the Bible.

He would preface his remarks by saying, "As the Bible says," or "As the word of God declares",
and then, he would come out with a statement that would exactly prove his point.

The young lawyer was jealous because this attorney kept winning all his cases,
and so he decided to challenge him.

One day, as they were standing in the courtroom, this young lawyer challenge the attorney,
"You are always quoting the Bible to prove your point.
You pretend to know the Bible so well, but I don't believe you do.
In fact I bet you five dollars that you can't quote The Lord's Prayer
."

The attorney was put on the spot, and without cracking a smile, bowed his head and looking
very sanctimonious began to pray,

"Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take
."

Then, the most remarkable thing happen.
They young lawyer said, "Well, you sure fooled me -- you really know the Bible."

Our churches are full of unlearned, anemic, undernourished, and even sickly and diseased Christians.

 

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