Fear Of Speed
Only in America
Get Me Another Doctor
Never Got Caught
A Terrible Headache
A Pesky Customer
The Real Me
For The Funeral
Not Batted Yet
The Tater Family
Can't Swim, Can He?
As Good As Your Dog
He Did It On Purpose
Her First Jump
Having A Baby
You Did Well
It Isn't Opportunity
Makes A Difference
Late And Law Breakers
No Special Privileges
So, Who's Crazy
Power In Numbers
Optimism Or Stupidity
Didn't Recognize You
Ring The Bell
Get With It
Never Been Wrong
No Driver's License
Without His Wallet
Only When It Breaks
Only If Kindness Fails
Didn't Know Her That Well
Only One Buying
Just Like You
Good And Bad
Not A Quitter
Asleep On The Job
Never Give Me Work
Business Is Business
It's In The Translation
Using Copy Machine
When Can You Start
Not A Madhouse
Ad Got Results
Letters to Landlords
More Than Mother
He's My Friend
How To Succeed
Is It Necessary?
I'll Not Open The Store
Yes -- No -- Yes -- No
Knew What To Say
Worth Ten Dollars
Your First Worry
Successful Job Placement
Wife Will Want To
Minutes To Kill
What's a Lie?
Get Rid Of Pastor
It's In Your Pockets
No Excuse Sunday
God, If You're In There
Haven't Missed Too Much
Knew He Was Coming
Ten Little Christians
Prayer of Black Preacher
Professor Has No Brain
Three Churches In Revival
They Will Come And Get It
Bible And TV Guide
We Need Light
Jesus Said What
Deep And Wide
Church Didn't Help
What The Bible Means
Signs You Don't Know The Bible
Bible Stories Told By Children
For The Sick
Meeting Of Board
Wanted In A Pastor
Prayer of Bud Robinson
Church Members Are Like
Sunday To Be Absent
Never Heard In Church
Heat Is Awful
10 Inches Deep
Found No God
Hurt The Church
Looking For Trouble
Learn From A Nut
Notify The Buzzards
Sermon Like Peace ...
Really Long Sermon
Jack, It’s God!
Really Knows The Bible
Lady Said Pew
Pilot To Tower
Can't At Night
Kiss A Mule
Loan That Mule
Praise The Lord
Just Funny 2
Slip Of The Tongue
Great To Be A Dog
Cross That One
Don't ask Her
Why Is It?
Can't Fool With Me
Just Funny 3
Blonde On Other Side
Wait For Police
Sic Him Jesus
Cured Her Hiccups
Moses And George W. Bush
You Know It's Bad
Just Funny 4
Parrot Tells All
Move the Cow
Dog Can't Read
Didn't Want Ball
Now You Tell Me
Robber And Ranger
Same Old Story
Why Did Chicken Cross Road
Just Funny 5
Cure For It
Not In The Tree
Write That Down
Some Never Learn
Gifts For Mother
Job At 7-Up
It's Your Deer
A Speaking Part
Changed My Mind
Not My Problem
Golden Old Age
Life Of Party
Can Still Drive
Just Too Tired
Tired Of You
Poem Of Elderly
Age Jokes 2
Over The Hill
Not On The Ark
What's Her Name?
More Getting Old
No Peer Pressure
Talk About You
So Far, So Good
Gifts You Don't Like
Stop Or Slow Down
More Murphy's Law
Monster In The Garage
Funny Bits 2
Where Are The Stones?
Blonde: Yes No Yes No
Blonde And Patrolman
Parrot Tells All:
There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good.
He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked onstage and squawked,
"It's in his sleeve!"
The magician chased the bird away.
The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience)
when the parrot walked onstage and declared, "It's in his pocket!"
The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd.
But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank.
The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to.
On the other end of the board was the parrot.
They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything,
when suddenly the parrot said, "I give up, what'd you do with the ship?"
A boy named Bobby is sharing an apartment with a girl named Julie.
Bobby's mother came to the apartment to visit, and while they were talking,
she kept looking at Julie in a suspicious way.
Bobby took his mother out of the room,and said,
"Mom, I know why you're looking at Julie that way, and just to let you know,
we are just roommates. Nothing more!"
When Bobby's mother left, Julie came in the room and asked, "Bobby, have you seen the silver gravy ladle?"
"No," Bobby replied.
"Well, ever since your mother was here, it's been missing," Julie remarked.
"Okay, I'll ask her about it in my next letter," Bobby said.
So in his next letter to his mother, he writes, "Mom, I'm not saying you did take the silver gravy ladle,
and I'm not saying you didn't take the silver gravy ladle, but ever since you were here, it's been gone.
A few days later, Bobby recieved a letter from his mother which said,
"Son, I'm not saying you are sleeping with Julie, and I'm not saying you are not sleeping with Julie,
but if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the silver gravy ladle long ago.
Robber And Ranger:
There is a story about a certain Mexican bank robber by the name of Jorge Rodriguez, who operated
along the Texas border around the turn of the century.
He was so successful in his forays that the Texas Rangers put a whole extra posse along the Rio Grande to try and stop him.
Sure enough, late one afternoon, one of these special Rangers saw Jorge stealthily slipping across the river
and trailed him at a discreet distance as he returned to his home village.
He watched as Jorge mingled with the people in the square around the town and then went into his favorite cantina to relax.
The Ranger slipped in and managed to get the drop on Jorge.
With a pistol to his head he said, “I know who you are, Jorge Rodriguez, and I have come to get back all the money
you have stolen from the banks in Texas. Unless you give it to me, I am going to blow your brains out.”
There was one fatal difficulty, however.
Jorge did not speak English and the Texas Ranger was not versed in Spanish.
There they were, two adults at an utter verbal impasse.
But about that time, an enterprising Mexican came up and said, “I am bilingual. Do you want me to act as translator?”
The Ranger nodded, and he proceeded to put the words of the Ranger into terms that Jorge could understand.
Nervously, Jorge answered back: “Tell the big Texas Ranger that I have not spent a cent of the money.
If he will go to the town well, face north, count down five stones, he will find a loose one.
Pull it out and all the money is behind there.
Please tell him quickly.”
The little translator got a solemn look on his face and said to the Ranger in perfect English:
“Jorge Rodriguez is a brave man. He says he is ready to die.”
What we don’t know can hurt us.
And when life and death are matters of language, you had better be able to trust your translator
A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher.
She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
"Davey, what noise does a cow make?"
"It goes moo, miss"
"Alice, what noise does a cat make?"
"It goes meow, miss"
"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"
"It goes baaa, miss"
"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"
"Errr.., it goes.. click, click!"
Why did the chicken cross the road?
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified
in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road."
And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads,
but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way
that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends
upon your frame of reference.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it.
ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening
its dominant market position.
The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required
for the newly competitive market.
Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken
by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes.
Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies,
knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people,
processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework.
Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens
along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage
in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital,
both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve
the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide
value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.
The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment
which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear,
and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values.
This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution.
Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
COLONEL SANDERS: “I missed one?”
It was one of Mother's hectic days.
Her small son, who had been playing outside, came in with his pants torn.
"You go right in, remove those pants and start mending them yourself," she ordered.
Some time later she went in to see how he was getting along.
The torn pants were lying across the chair, and the door to the cellar, usually kept closed, was open.
She called down the stairs, loudly and sternly: "Are you running around down there without your pants on?"
"No ma'am," was the deep-voiced reply. "I'm just down here reading your gas meter."
A 3 year old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens
and two girl kittens.
"How did you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. “I think it's printed on the bottom."
-- Christian Clippings - July 2003
A little boy was caught swearing by his teacher.
"Jeffrey," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?"
"My daddy said it," he responded.
"Well, it doesn't matter," explained the teacher, "you don't even know what it means."
"I do, so!" Jeffrey corrected. "It means the car won't start."
Move The Cow:
June was working for a photofinishing company, and received a reprint order for
an old black-and-white photograph of a man milking a cow.
The man was sitting behind the cow, and all that was visible of him were his legs and feet.
A note accompanying the order read: "This is the only picture I have of my great-grandfather.
Please move the cow so I can see what he looked like."
Dog Can’t Read:
A little boy went to the pet shop to buy a new food dish for his dog.
"Would you like to have your dogs name on the bowl?" The clerk asked.
"No, thanks. He can't read."
Same Old Story:
An alumnus return to his old college dorm and wanted to see the room in which he once lived.
The new occupant let him in, and the alumnus looked around.
"Same old room. Same old furniture. Same old view from the window. Same old closet."
He opened the closet door. There stood a girl, looking scared.
"That is my sister," said the present occupant of the room.
"Yes," replied the visitor. "Same old story."
Two little girls are talking about the first girl's dog.
"My father has been training our dog to protect our house from strangers.
He's been putting on disguises and getting her to attack him."
The second little girl asks, "Is she learning?"
The first girl answers, "She certainly is... now every time a stranger comes to the house, she bites Daddy."
The physician phoned one of his delinquent patients.
"Mrs. Taylor," he said, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but your check just came back."
"So did my arthritis," she replied. And hung up.
A policeman was questioning two suspects.
"Where do you live?" He asked the first.
"No permanent address."
"What about you?" The policeman asked the second.
"Next door to him."
A five-year-old was helping his father carry a newly built doghouse
The little boy proudly announced to his mother,
"Daddy and I put all this together, and we didn't even read the destructions."
Lawyer: "How do you deal with persons seeking free advice at parties, Doctor?"
Doctor: "I tell them to undress."
Didn’t Want Ball:
It seems that a fellow named George was the favorite ball-carrier of the local fans,
but on this particular day the quarterback was not giving him the ball.
It was a brutal game.
As the game war on with the home team behind, the fans grew increasingly impatient.
The next time the home team got the ball the fans began to chant,
"Give the ball to George, give the ball to George."
On the second play the quarterback dropped back to pass and was smothered for an eight-yard loss.
It was third down and 18 and the chant "Give the ball to George" was so loud
that the team could not hear the quarterback in the huddle.
Finally, the frustrated quarterback walked out of the huddle and motioned for silence from the crowd.
He then cupped his hands to his mouth and shouted to the stands, "George doesn't want the ball."
The beauty salon was filled with several neighborhood women.
The conversation turned to how both men and women were beginning a courtship
and marrying soon after a spouse died instead of waiting, as was once the custom.
One lady said, "I know exactly what my husband will do after I die.
He will marry the first woman who brings him a pan of corn bread."
All was quiet for a moment; then one of the beauticians asked, "Does he like butter on it."