Make your own free website on Tripod.com
leftface0102
leftface0102

Attitudes
They'll Never
Right Thinking
One Liners
No Bonus
Fear Of Speed

Answer Machine
Only in America
Get Me Another Doctor
Never Got Caught
A Terrible Headache

A Pesky Customer
The Real Me
My Ancestry
Happy Christians
For The Funeral

Not Batted Yet
The Tater Family
Can't Swim, Can He?
As Good As Your Dog
He Did It On Purpose
Capital Punishment

Attitudes 2
Want Credit
Her First Jump
Feel Inadequate
Alarm Clock
Having A Baby

Why Worry?
You Did Well
Will Power
One Liners
Best Compliment

It Isn't Opportunity
Makes A Difference
Late And Law Breakers
No Special Privileges
So, Who's Crazy

Power In Numbers
Optimism Or Stupidity
Didn't Recognize You
Parachute Paradigm

Attitudes 3
Word Rules
Dance Also
Ring The Bell
Repeat That
Get With It

Too Polite
Real Self-control
Miss You
Getting Kicked
Not Hollering

Never Been Wrong
No Driver's License
Without His Wallet
Prefer Darkness
Only When It Breaks

Dangerous Assumption
Only If Kindness Fails
Didn't Know Her That Well

Business
Only One Buying
Just Like You
Business Signs
Good And Bad
Not A Quitter

Need Imagination
Asleep On The Job
Smart Business
Management Styles
Never Give Me Work

Performance Reviews
Business Is Business
It's In The Translation
Using Copy Machine
Employment Recommendations

When Can You Start

Business 2
Wrong Location
Not A Madhouse
Ad Got Results
Fitness Program
Too Polite

Letters to Landlords
More Than Mother
He's My Friend
How To Succeed
Is It Necessary?

I'll Not Open The Store
Yes -- No -- Yes -- No
Knew What To Say
Worth Ten Dollars
Your First Worry

Management Translated
Successful Job Placement

Religious
Wife Will Want To
Minutes To Kill
What's a Lie?
Hanging Pastors
First Fight

Pastor Sick
Deacon's Call
Mother's Prayer
Missing Something
Get Rid Of Pastor

It's In Your Pockets
Narrow Baptists
No Excuse Sunday
God, If You're In There
Haven't Missed Too Much

Knew He Was Coming
Ten Little Christians
Prayer of Black Preacher
Professor Has No Brain
Three Churches In Revival
They Will Come And Get It

Religious 2
Pastoral Candidates
Bible And TV Guide
Baptize Everybody
We Need Light
Jesus Said What

Burning Bush
Attend Church
Baptized Bats
Deep And Wide
Atheist Complaint

Brother's Funeral
Church Didn't Help
Extermination
What The Bible Means
Signs You Don't Know The Bible

Bible Stories Told By Children

Religious 3
Church Signs
Praise Music
Too Busy
For The Sick
Meeting Of Board

Wanted In A Pastor
Prayer of Bud Robinson
Church Members Are Like
Sunday To Be Absent
Never Heard In Church

Religious 4
Momentum
God Can
Phenomenon
Heat Is Awful
Restart Sermon

His Crowd
10 Inches Deep
Minister Forgot
Found No God
Hurt The Church

Finished Sermon
Looking For Trouble
Ecumenical Meeting
Learn From A Nut
Indian Unimpressed

Notify The Buzzards
Sermon Like Peace ...
Really Long Sermon
Jack, Itís God!
Really Knows The Bible

Just Funny
Lady Said Pew
Pilot To Tower
Can't At Night
Shoot Them
Duck, Turkey

Run Fast
Crazy English
Duck
Funny Lines
No Way

Keep Quiet
Kiss A Mule
Loan That Mule
Praise The Lord

Just Funny 2
Slip Of The Tongue
Great To Be A Dog
You're Pitching
Cross That One
Don't ask Her

Cannibals
Why Is It?
Doctor Said
Cat Scan
Pull

I'm Married
Tough Teacher
Lucky Guess
Looking Good
Chewing Gum
Methuselah's Diet
Can't Fool With Me

Just Funny 3
Psychiatric Hotline
Blonde On Other Side
Wait For Police
Sic Him Jesus
Free Tickets

Cured Her Hiccups
Greatest Lies
Bumper Stickers
Moses And George W. Bush
Football's Contribution
You Know It's Bad

Just Funny 4
Parrot Tells All
Move the Cow
Check Bounced
Corn Bread
Next Door

Girl Kittens
Mother Knows
Dog Training
Dog Can't Read
Didn't Want Ball

Now You Tell Me
Undress
Robber And Ranger
Red-faced Mother
Same Old Story

The Destructions
Mouse Sounds
Bad Language
Why Did Chicken Cross Road

Just Funny 5
Spy Game
New Diet
Quick Thinking
Dieter's Prayer
Comfortable

Cure For It
Martin Luther
Not In The Tree
Write That Down
Some Never Learn
Pretty Concrete

Relationships
Gifts For Mother
That's Why
It's Chicken
Big Sissy
Ring Bear

Day Off
Job At 7-Up
Just Married
It's Your Deer
Third Husband

A Speaking Part
Marriage Discovery
Changed My Mind

Age Jokes
How Soon
His Turn
Seven Ages
Memories
Not My Problem

Golden Old Age
Life Of Party
Can Still Drive
Just Too Tired
Tired Of You

Poem Of Elderly

Age Jokes 2
A Surprise
Her Zip
All Widows
Young Bride
Over The Hill

Smart Parents
Who's Driving
Not On The Ark
What's Her Name?
More Getting Old

Perfect Attendance
No Peer Pressure
Couldn't Remember

Funny Bits
Guard Fired
Talk About You
So Far, So Good
Should Know
Difficult English

Gifts You Don't Like
When Speeding
Stop Or Slow Down
Murphy's Law
More Murphy's Law

Monster In The Garage
Unsuccessful Inventions
Geological Questions

Funny Bits 2
Where Are The Stones?
Blonde: Yes No Yes No
Who's Dumb
Eating Peanuts
Blonde And Patrolman

redtopbar6
mutley-ani1
relationshipsbanhum

Go To:

Gifts For Mother

Thatís Why

Itís Chicken

Big Sissy

Ring Bear

Day Off

Job At 7-Up

Just Married

Itís Your Deer

Third Husband

A Speaking Part

Marriage Discovery

Changed My Mind

Gifts For Mother:
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat.
You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible?
And you know she can't see very well.
So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible.
It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind.
Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it
."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room,
but I have to clean the whole house
."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel.
I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes.
And the driver is so rude
!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son,
"You have the good sense to know what your mother likes.
The chicken was delicious!
"

Big Sissy:
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,
"Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice: "The big sissy!"

Back To Top

 

Her Husband:
A guy calls the hospital.
He says, "You gotta send help!
My wife's going into labor!
"

The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?"

He says, "No! This is her husband!"

Ring Bear:
A little boy was in a relative's wedding.

As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn
to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side).
While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.

So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard
by the time he reached the pulpit.

The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed
from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said,
"I was being the Ring Bear."

Back To Top

 

Itís Chicken:
A guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I'm worried about my wife, I think she's going deaf."

Doc says, "Well, when you get home, try to figure out at what distance she can hear,
and we'll design a hearing aid for her
."

So when the man gets home that day, he walks into the house, sees his wife in the kitchen cooking dinner.
He slams the door and yells, "Honey, I'm home! What's for dinner?!"

No response!

He steps into the next room and yells, "Honey, I'm home!! What's for dinner?"

No response!

He steps into the doorway of the kitchen and yells, "Honey, I'm home!!! What's for dinner?"

Still no response!

He walks right up to her and yells in her ear, "Honey, I'm home!!! What's for dinner?"

She turns to him and yells, "FOR THE FOURTH TIME, CHICKEN!!!!!"

Back To Top

 

Day Off:
Mr. Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house
cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage,
moving and hauling stuff
."

"We're shorthanded, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith. "I knew I could count on you!"

Thatís Why:
A man is holding his wife's hand as she lays on her death bed.
"Jerry, I, . . ., I have something to tell you before I pass on."

"No, no, dear. Everything is forgiven now. All is well."

"No, Jerry. I've been carrying this load for years now, and I must tell you.
I, . . ., I've been unfaithful to you. I slept with your best friend, Phil.
I'm so terribly sorry
."

"Yes, dear, I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"

Marriage Discovery:
There was a schoolboy who wasn't so sure about Benjamin Franklin.
He was required to write an essay on Franklin's life.

He squirmed in his chair, chewed his pencil, took out a piece of paper,
wrote at the top of it, Benjamin Franklin, and then produced this masterpiece:

"Benjamin Franklin was born in Boston, but got tired of Boston
and moved to Philadelphia.
When he got to Philadelphia he was hungry, so he bought a loaf of bread.
He put the bread under his arm.
He walked up the street.
He passed a woman.
The woman smiled at him.

He married the woman and discovered electricity
."

Back To Top

 

 -- A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it
because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Itís Your Deer:
Married couples should always try to do things together, especially when they begin to drift apart.

One couple took this advice seriously, and when he asked his wife to go deer hunting,
she accepted, though she had never been before, she was a city slicker.
She had never even seen a deer.

Nevertheless he took her to a tree stand and helped her up, telling her to watch the open field carefully.

He went about ten yards away into the underbrush to sit by a firebreak and about midmorning
he heard several shots coming from her direction.

Running toward the clearing, he saw a man jumping frantically up and down waving his hands
while his wife was saying, "Get away from that deer, that's my deer!"

The man yelled back, "All right, lady, it's your deer, but let me get my saddle off of him!"

Back To Top

 

Just Married:
A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington.
The bride is concerned about the room being bugged.
The groom says, "I'll look for a bug."

He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug.
"A-HA!"

Under the rug was a disc with four screws.
He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window.

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds,
"How was your room? How was the service?
How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel
?"

The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"

The hotel manager says, "Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them!"

Back To Top

 

Changed My Mind:
"You know, dear," he said breaking the long silence.
"I've been thinking over our argument."

"Well," she snapped, without looking up from her reading.

"Yes, dear, I've decided to agree with you after all," he said meekly.

"That won't do you any good," she sniffed. "I've changed my mind."

Job At 7-Up:
Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.

The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, You're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence" the man said with some obvious pride.
"I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man,
"You sir, are the father of triplets."

"Wow, That's really an incredible coincidence " he answered.
"I work for the 3M Corporation.
" My buddies at work will never let me live this one down
.

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around,
the nurse came back, this time she turn to the 3rd man - who had been quiet in the corner.

She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets.
Stunned, he barely could reply.
"Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.

After finally regaining his composure, he said
"I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."

After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor.

The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.

When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him whispering repeatedly
the same phrase over and over again.
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up
...Ē

Back To Top

 

A Speaking Part:
The little boy came home from school, excitedly telling his father,
"Daddy! Daddy! I'm going to be in the school play!"

The father said "That's great!", what part are you going to play?"

To which the son said "I'm going to play a husband!"

"A husband!", the father exclaimed, "son, you march right back down to that school
and tell them you want a speaking part
!"

Third Husband:
A man and a woman are standing at a party when the woman remarks,

"You know, you look just like my third husband."

"How many times have you been married?" asks the man.

ďTwice,Ē replies the lady.

Wife Knows:
WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out!
Where's the car
?"

WIFE: "In the swimming pool."

Back To Top

 

[ Home]  [Attitudes] [Attitudes 2] [Attitudes 3]  [Business] [Business 2]
[
Religious]  [Religious 2]  [Religious 3]  [Religious 4] [Just Funny] [Just Funny 2]  [Just Funny 3]
[
Just Funny 4]  [Just Funny 5] [Relationships] [Age Jokes]  [Age Jokes 2]
[
Funny Bits] [Funny Bits 2]