Want Credit: "A turtle who wanted to spend the winter in Florida, but he knew he could never walk that far.
He convinced a couple of geese to help him, each taking one end of a piece of rope, while he clamped his vise-like jaws in the center.
The flight went fine until someone on the ground looked up in admiration and asked, "Who in the world thought of that?"
Unable to resist the chance to take credit, the turtle opened his mouth to shout, "I did--"
Why Worry: Many folks worry about things that never happen. It is like the patient in the mental hospital, holding his ear close to the wall, listening intently.
The attendant finally approached. "Shh!" whispered the patient, beckoning him over.
The attendant pressed his ear to the wall for a long time. "I can't hear a thing," he finally said.
"No," replied the patient, "it's been like that all day!"
See: Prov 12:25
So, Who’s Crazy? A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over. What could they be doing? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof.
His curiosity gets the besy of him, so he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside.
He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting - "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
Power in Numbers: Hearing about a dinosaur alive in the rainforest of South America, a professor launches a scientific expedition. After several weeks he stumbles upon a little man wearing a loincloth, standing near a 300 ft. long dead dinosaur.
The scientist can't believe his eyes. "Did you kill this dinosaur?" He asked.
"Yep," replies the rainforest native.
"But it's so big and you're so small! How did you kill it?"
"With my club," the primitive fellow answers.
"How big is your club?"
The little man replies, "Well, there are about 100 of us."
You Did Well: I was working as a substitute teacher when some boys became unruly. I usually handle discipline problems myself, but this time, even after several warnings, I had to stop teaching my class and send the boys to the principal's office.
As the classroom door shut, I leaned on the lectern and told my attentive students, "This is the first time I have ever sent anybody to the principal's office."
The boy sitting in the front row looked up, and said, "Well, Mrs. Smith, you did it very well."
Late and Law Breakers: Dr. Adrian Rogers after arriving slightly late to a prayer meeting: "I'm sorry I'm late, I had lost track of the time. I'll have you know that even though I was in a hurry to get here, I didn't break any speeding laws... lthough I passed a number of people who were!"
It Isn’t Opportunity: A young man took his girlfriend out on a date. And while driving down a moonlit country lane, the engine suddenly coughed, and the car came to a stop. "That's funny," said the young man. "I wonder what that knocking was?"
"Well, I can tell you one thing for sure,” his date replied, “it isn’t opportunity."
Will Power: A beggar approached a lady on the street and pleaded, "Ma'am, I haven't had a meal in three days, and --"
"Now, that --" she interrupted, "is what I call willpower."
One Liners: A pessimist is a person who carries a card in his or her wallet that reads: "In case of an accident: I always knew it would happen sooner or later."
Optimism or Stupidity: Two Cowboys had fallen on hard times in the old West. They could not find work and were in danger of starving to death. They heard the U.S. Calvary was looking for bounty hunters. The Calvary offered $10 for each Apache they brought in, so they signed on.
Their first night out, they camped in the desert. When they woke in the morning, one of them looked out and saw 1000 Apaches surrounding the tent, armed to the teeth.
He shook his partner awake and said, "Wake up, Tex. We're rich!"
That might not qualify as optimism. It might simply be stupidity. However, it could be like the apostle Paul (Philippians 4: 13) who was convinced that nothing was impossible with God.
Her First Jump: Gertrude was making her first parachute jump. The instructor said, "First, you pull the big cord. If it doesn't work, you pull the little cord. There will be a red pickup truck waiting for you when you land."
Gertrude made her first jump. She pulled the big cord, the nothing happened, so she pulled the little cord. Still nothing happened.
"That's just great," she muttered. "Now I suppose the red pickup truck won't be there either."
Alarm Clock: One tenant broke his alarm clock. He never bothered to get it prepared. He merely started to play his trumpet whenever he wanted to know the time. One of his neighbors would always yell, "Hey, don't you know it's two-fifteen in the morning!"
Having A Baby "My sister is going to have a baby."
"Did you call her up?"
"I don't have to. She knows about it!"
Best Compliment: A lady had been grocery shopping with her friend, Mary, and they were looking for the shortest checkout line. They started on opposite ends, and soon Betty found one register with a solitary man ahead of her. "Hey, Mary!" Betty yelled. "This one looks good." The male customer puffed out his chest and said, "That's the best complement I've had all day."
Didn’t Recognize You: This 75 year old woman had a vision one night, she saw and spoke to God. She asked Him, "How much time do I have to live?"
He said, "You have 35 years left." So that whole year she had a ton of cosmetic surgery, she had a face lift, a tummy tuck, her nose reshaped, and liposuction. She completely did herself over.
She figured as long as she was going to live another 35 years she was going to look young again. After all this was done, that same year she was hit by a car and was killed instantly.
When she entered St. Peter's gate she walked over to God and said, "What happened? I thought you said I had another 35 years!"
God replied, "I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU!"
Feel Inadequate: Two cows were grazing alongside a highway when a tank-truck of milk on its way to the distributor happened to pass. On one side of the truck in big red letters was a sign which read, "Pasteurized, homogenized, standardized, Vitamin A added."
One cow turned to the other and remarked, "Makes you feel sort of inadequate, doesn't it?"
Makes A Difference: As an old man walked along the beach at dawn, he noticed a young man picking up starfish and placing them back into the ocean. He asked the young man what he was doing.
The boy answered, "The stranded starfish will die if left until the morning sun."
The old man answered, "The beach goes on for miles and there are millions of starfish. How can your effort make any difference?"
The boy looked at the starfish in his hand and threw it into the safety of the ocean. "It makes a difference to this one," he answered.
No Special Privileges: When Christian Herter was governor of Massachusetts,he was running hard for a second term in office. One day, after a busy morning chasing votes (and no lunch) he arrived at a church barbecue. It was late afternoon and Herter was famished. As Herter moved down the serving line, he held out his plate to the woman serving chicken. She put a piece on his plate and turned to the next person in line.
"Excuse me," Governor Herter said, "do you mind if I have another piece of chicken?"
"Sorry," the woman told him. "I'm supposed to give one piece of chicken to each person."
"But I'm starved," the governor said.
"Sorry," the woman said again. "Only one to a customer."
Governor Herter was a modest and unassuming man, but he decided that this time he would throw a little weight around. "Do you know who I am?" he said. "I am the governor of this state."
"Do you know who I am?" the woman said. "I'm the lady in charge of the chicken. Move along, mister."
Parachute Paradigm: You are one of two people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. How would you react?
Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.
Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before.
Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.
Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.
Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.
Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment.
Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.
Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.
Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.
Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked.
Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.
Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.
English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.
Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could.
Economics: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.
Psychoanalysis: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.
Drama: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.
Art: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.
Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable.
Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash.
Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.
Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your health.
Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown that jumping out of a plane is NOT harmful to your health.
