Make your own free website on Tripod.com
leftface0102
leftface0102

Attitudes
They'll Never
Right Thinking
One Liners
No Bonus
Fear Of Speed

Answer Machine
Only in America
Get Me Another Doctor
Never Got Caught
A Terrible Headache

A Pesky Customer
The Real Me
My Ancestry
Happy Christians
For The Funeral

Not Batted Yet
The Tater Family
Can't Swim, Can He?
As Good As Your Dog
He Did It On Purpose
Capital Punishment

Attitudes 2
Want Credit
Her First Jump
Feel Inadequate
Alarm Clock
Having A Baby

Why Worry?
You Did Well
Will Power
One Liners
Best Compliment

It Isn't Opportunity
Makes A Difference
Late And Law Breakers
No Special Privileges
So, Who's Crazy

Power In Numbers
Optimism Or Stupidity
Didn't Recognize You
Parachute Paradigm

Attitudes 3
Word Rules
Dance Also
Ring The Bell
Repeat That
Get With It

Too Polite
Real Self-control
Miss You
Getting Kicked
Not Hollering

Never Been Wrong
No Driver's License
Without His Wallet
Prefer Darkness
Only When It Breaks

Dangerous Assumption
Only If Kindness Fails
Didn't Know Her That Well

Business
Only One Buying
Just Like You
Business Signs
Good And Bad
Not A Quitter

Need Imagination
Asleep On The Job
Smart Business
Management Styles
Never Give Me Work

Performance Reviews
Business Is Business
It's In The Translation
Using Copy Machine
Employment Recommendations

When Can You Start

Business 2
Wrong Location
Not A Madhouse
Ad Got Results
Fitness Program
Too Polite

Letters to Landlords
More Than Mother
He's My Friend
How To Succeed
Is It Necessary?

I'll Not Open The Store
Yes -- No -- Yes -- No
Knew What To Say
Worth Ten Dollars
Your First Worry

Management Translated
Successful Job Placement

Religious
Wife Will Want To
Minutes To Kill
What's a Lie?
Hanging Pastors
First Fight

Pastor Sick
Deacon's Call
Mother's Prayer
Missing Something
Get Rid Of Pastor

It's In Your Pockets
Narrow Baptists
No Excuse Sunday
God, If You're In There
Haven't Missed Too Much

Knew He Was Coming
Ten Little Christians
Prayer of Black Preacher
Professor Has No Brain
Three Churches In Revival
They Will Come And Get It

Religious 2
Pastoral Candidates
Bible And TV Guide
Baptize Everybody
We Need Light
Jesus Said What

Burning Bush
Attend Church
Baptized Bats
Deep And Wide
Atheist Complaint

Brother's Funeral
Church Didn't Help
Extermination
What The Bible Means
Signs You Don't Know The Bible

Bible Stories Told By Children

Religious 3
Church Signs
Praise Music
Too Busy
For The Sick
Meeting Of Board

Wanted In A Pastor
Prayer of Bud Robinson
Church Members Are Like
Sunday To Be Absent
Never Heard In Church

Religious 4
Momentum
God Can
Phenomenon
Heat Is Awful
Restart Sermon

His Crowd
10 Inches Deep
Minister Forgot
Found No God
Hurt The Church

Finished Sermon
Looking For Trouble
Ecumenical Meeting
Learn From A Nut
Indian Unimpressed

Notify The Buzzards
Sermon Like Peace ...
Really Long Sermon
Jack, Itís God!
Really Knows The Bible

Just Funny
Lady Said Pew
Pilot To Tower
Can't At Night
Shoot Them
Duck, Turkey

Run Fast
Crazy English
Duck
Funny Lines
No Way

Keep Quiet
Kiss A Mule
Loan That Mule
Praise The Lord

Just Funny 2
Slip Of The Tongue
Great To Be A Dog
You're Pitching
Cross That One
Don't ask Her

Cannibals
Why Is It?
Doctor Said
Cat Scan
Pull

I'm Married
Tough Teacher
Lucky Guess
Looking Good
Chewing Gum
Methuselah's Diet
Can't Fool With Me

Just Funny 3
Psychiatric Hotline
Blonde On Other Side
Wait For Police
Sic Him Jesus
Free Tickets

Cured Her Hiccups
Greatest Lies
Bumper Stickers
Moses And George W. Bush
Football's Contribution
You Know It's Bad

Just Funny 4
Parrot Tells All
Move the Cow
Check Bounced
Corn Bread
Next Door

Girl Kittens
Mother Knows
Dog Training
Dog Can't Read
Didn't Want Ball

Now You Tell Me
Undress
Robber And Ranger
Red-faced Mother
Same Old Story

The Destructions
Mouse Sounds
Bad Language
Why Did Chicken Cross Road

Just Funny 5
Spy Game
New Diet
Quick Thinking
Dieter's Prayer
Comfortable

Cure For It
Martin Luther
Not In The Tree
Write That Down
Some Never Learn
Pretty Concrete

Relationships
Gifts For Mother
That's Why
It's Chicken
Big Sissy
Ring Bear

Day Off
Job At 7-Up
Just Married
It's Your Deer
Third Husband

A Speaking Part
Marriage Discovery
Changed My Mind

Age Jokes
How Soon
His Turn
Seven Ages
Memories
Not My Problem

Golden Old Age
Life Of Party
Can Still Drive
Just Too Tired
Tired Of You

Poem Of Elderly

Age Jokes 2
A Surprise
Her Zip
All Widows
Young Bride
Over The Hill

Smart Parents
Who's Driving
Not On The Ark
What's Her Name?
More Getting Old

Perfect Attendance
No Peer Pressure
Couldn't Remember

Funny Bits
Guard Fired
Talk About You
So Far, So Good
Should Know
Difficult English

Gifts You Don't Like
When Speeding
Stop Or Slow Down
Murphy's Law
More Murphy's Law

Monster In The Garage
Unsuccessful Inventions
Geological Questions

Funny Bits 2
Where Are The Stones?
Blonde: Yes No Yes No
Who's Dumb
Eating Peanuts
Blonde And Patrolman

redtopbar6

Go To:

attitudebanhum2

Page 1

Page 3

mutley-ani1

Want Credit

Her First Jump

Feel Inadequate

Alarm Clock

Having A Baby

Why Worry

You Did Well

Will Power

One Liners

Best Compliment

Isnít Opportunity

Makes A Difference

Late and Law Breakers

No Special Privileges

So, Whoís Crazy?

Power in Numbers

Optimism or Stupidity

Didnít Recognize You

Parachute Paradigm

Want Credit:
"A turtle who wanted to spend the winter in Florida, but he knew
he could never walk that far.

He convinced a couple of geese to help him, each taking one end
of a piece of rope, while he clamped his vise-like jaws in the center.

The flight went fine until someone on the ground looked up in admiration
and asked, "Who in the world thought of that?"

Unable to resist the chance to take credit, the turtle opened his mouth to shout, "I did--"

Why Worry:
Many folks worry about things that never happen.
It is like the patient in the mental hospital, holding his ear close to the wall, listening intently.

The attendant finally approached.
"Shh!" whispered the patient, beckoning him over.

The attendant pressed his ear to the wall for a long time.
"I can't hear a thing," he finally said.

"No," replied the patient, "it's been like that all day!"

See: Prov 12:25

So, Whoís Crazy?
A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum
and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person,
he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over.
What could they be doing?
Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates?
Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof.

His curiosity gets the besy of him, so he frantically searches for a hole in the fence
so that he may see what is going on.
Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead.
The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside.

He moves into position and peeks into the hole.
As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye!
Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting - "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

Back To Top

 

Power in Numbers:
Hearing about a dinosaur alive in the rainforest of South America, a professor launches
a scientific expedition.
After several weeks he stumbles upon a little man wearing a loincloth, standing near
a 300 ft. long dead dinosaur.

The scientist can't believe his eyes.
"Did you kill this dinosaur?" He asked.

"Yep," replies the rainforest native.

"But it's so big and you're so small! How did you kill it?"

"With my club," the primitive fellow answers.

"How big is your club?"

The little man replies, "Well, there are about 100 of us."

You Did Well:
I was working as a substitute teacher when some boys became unruly.
I usually handle discipline problems myself, but this time, even after several warnings,
I had to stop teaching my class and send the boys to the principal's office.

As the classroom door shut, I leaned on the lectern and told my attentive students,
"This is the first time I have ever sent anybody to the principal's office."

The boy sitting in the front row looked up, and said, "Well, Mrs. Smith, you did it very well."

Back to Top

 

Late and Law Breakers:
Dr. Adrian Rogers after arriving slightly late to a prayer meeting:
"I'm sorry I'm late, I had lost track of the time.
I'll have you know that even though I was in a hurry to get here,
I didn't break any speeding laws... lthough I passed a number of people who were
!"

It Isnít Opportunity:
A young man took his girlfriend out on a date.
And while driving down a moonlit country lane, the engine suddenly coughed,
and the car came to a stop.
"That's funny," said the young man. "I wonder what that knocking was?"

"Well, I can tell you one thing for sure,Ē his date replied, ďit isnít opportunity."

Will Power:
A beggar approached a lady on the street and pleaded,
"Ma'am, I haven't had a meal in three days, and --"

"Now, that --" she interrupted, "is what I call willpower."

One Liners:
A pessimist is a person who carries a card in his or her wallet that reads:
"In case of an accident: I always knew it would happen sooner or later."

An optimist is a person who marries a pessimist.

Experience is another word for "mistakes."

Back To Top

 

Optimism or Stupidity:
Two Cowboys had fallen on hard times in the old West.
They could not find work and were in danger of starving to death.
They heard the U.S. Calvary was looking for bounty hunters.
The Calvary offered $10 for each Apache they brought in, so they signed on.

Their first night out, they camped in the desert.
When they woke in the morning, one of them looked out and saw 1000 Apaches
surrounding the tent, armed to the teeth.

He shook his partner awake and said, "Wake up, Tex. We're rich!"

That might not qualify as optimism.
It might simply be stupidity.
However, it could be like the apostle Paul (Philippians 4: 13) who was convinced
that nothing was impossible with God.

Her First Jump:
Gertrude was making her first parachute jump.
The instructor said, "First, you pull the big cord.
If it doesn't work, you pull the little cord.
There will be a red pickup truck waiting for you when you land
."

Gertrude made her first jump.
She pulled the big cord, the nothing happened, so she pulled the little cord.
Still nothing happened.

"That's just great," she muttered.
"Now I suppose the red pickup truck won't be there either."

Back To Top

 

Alarm Clock:
One tenant broke his alarm clock. He never bothered to get it prepared.
He merely started to play his trumpet whenever he wanted to know the time.
One of his neighbors would always yell, "Hey, don't you know it's two-fifteen in the morning!"

Having A Baby
"My sister is going to have a baby."

"Did you call her up?"

"I don't have to. She knows about it!"

Best Compliment:
A lady had been grocery shopping with her friend, Mary, and they were looking
for the shortest checkout line.
They started on opposite ends, and soon Betty found one register with a solitary man ahead of her.
"Hey, Mary!" Betty yelled. "This one looks good."
The male customer puffed out his chest and said, "That's the best complement I've had all day."

BackTo Top

 

Didnít Recognize You:
This 75 year old woman had a vision one night, she saw and spoke to God.
She asked Him, "How much time do I have to live?"

He said, "You have 35 years left."
So that whole year she had a ton of cosmetic surgery, she had a face lift, a tummy tuck,
her nose reshaped, and liposuction.
She completely did herself over.

She figured as long as she was going to live another 35 years she was going to look young again.
After all this was done, that same year she was hit by a car and was killed instantly.

When she entered St. Peter's gate she walked over to God and said, "What happened?
I thought you said I had another 35 years!"

God replied, "I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU!"

Feel Inadequate:
Two cows were grazing alongside a highway when a tank-truck of milk on its way
to the distributor happened to pass.
On one side of the truck in big red letters was a sign which read,
"Pasteurized, homogenized, standardized, Vitamin A added."

One cow turned to the other and remarked, "Makes you feel sort of inadequate, doesn't it?"

Back To Top

 

Makes A Difference:
As an old man walked along the beach at dawn, he noticed a young man picking up
starfish and placing them back into the ocean.
He asked the young man what he was doing.

The boy answered, "The stranded starfish will die if left until the morning sun."

The old man answered, "The beach goes on for miles and there are millions of starfish.
How can your effort make any difference
?"

The boy looked at the starfish in his hand and threw it into the safety of the ocean.
"It makes a difference to this one," he answered.

No Special Privileges:
When Christian Herter was governor of Massachusetts,he was running hard for
a second term in office.
One day, after a busy morning chasing votes (and no lunch) he arrived at a church barbecue.
It was late afternoon and Herter was famished.
As Herter moved down the serving line, he held out his plate to the woman serving chicken.
She put a piece on his plate and turned to the next person in line.

"Excuse me," Governor Herter said, "do you mind if I have another piece of chicken?"

"Sorry," the woman told him. "I'm supposed to give one piece of chicken to each person."

"But I'm starved," the governor said.

"Sorry," the woman said again. "Only one to a customer."

Governor Herter was a modest and unassuming man, but he decided that this time
he would throw a little weight around.
"Do you know who I am?" he said. "I am the governor of this state."

"Do you know who I am?" the woman said. "I'm the lady in charge of the chicken.
Move along, mister
."

Back To Top

 

Parachute Paradigm:
You are one of two people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute.
How would you react?

Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.

Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before.

Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.

Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use
in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.

Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.

Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute
in order to make your next appointment.

Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates
and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.

Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along
with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.

Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.

Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report
on how well it worked.

Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof
that it will work in all cases.

Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.

English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.

Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as
a human being could.

Economics: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals,
how much they would pay for a parachute.

Psychoanalysis: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.

Drama: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character
of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.

Art: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.

Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable.

Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash.

Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.

Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your health.

Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that despite a number
of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown that jumping out of a plane
is NOT harmful to your health.

Back To Top

 

[ Home]  [Attitudes] [Attitudes 2] [Attitudes 3]  [Business] [Business 2]
[
Religious]  [Religious 2]  [Religious 3]  [Religious 4] [Just Funny] [Just Funny 2]  [Just Funny 3]
[
Just Funny 4]  [Just Funny 5] [Relationships] [Age Jokes]  [Age Jokes 2]
[
Funny Bits] [Funny Bits 2]