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Attitudes
They'll Never
Right Thinking
One Liners
No Bonus
Fear Of Speed

Answer Machine
Only in America
Get Me Another Doctor
Never Got Caught
A Terrible Headache

A Pesky Customer
The Real Me
My Ancestry
Happy Christians
For The Funeral

Not Batted Yet
The Tater Family
Can't Swim, Can He?
As Good As Your Dog
He Did It On Purpose
Capital Punishment

Attitudes 2
Want Credit
Her First Jump
Feel Inadequate
Alarm Clock
Having A Baby

Why Worry?
You Did Well
Will Power
One Liners
Best Compliment

It Isn't Opportunity
Makes A Difference
Late And Law Breakers
No Special Privileges
So, Who's Crazy

Power In Numbers
Optimism Or Stupidity
Didn't Recognize You
Parachute Paradigm

Attitudes 3
Word Rules
Dance Also
Ring The Bell
Repeat That
Get With It

Too Polite
Real Self-control
Miss You
Getting Kicked
Not Hollering

Never Been Wrong
No Driver's License
Without His Wallet
Prefer Darkness
Only When It Breaks

Dangerous Assumption
Only If Kindness Fails
Didn't Know Her That Well

Business
Only One Buying
Just Like You
Business Signs
Good And Bad
Not A Quitter

Need Imagination
Asleep On The Job
Smart Business
Management Styles
Never Give Me Work

Performance Reviews
Business Is Business
It's In The Translation
Using Copy Machine
Employment Recommendations

When Can You Start

Business 2
Wrong Location
Not A Madhouse
Ad Got Results
Fitness Program
Too Polite

Letters to Landlords
More Than Mother
He's My Friend
How To Succeed
Is It Necessary?

I'll Not Open The Store
Yes -- No -- Yes -- No
Knew What To Say
Worth Ten Dollars
Your First Worry

Management Translated
Successful Job Placement

Religious
Wife Will Want To
Minutes To Kill
What's a Lie?
Hanging Pastors
First Fight

Pastor Sick
Deacon's Call
Mother's Prayer
Missing Something
Get Rid Of Pastor

It's In Your Pockets
Narrow Baptists
No Excuse Sunday
God, If You're In There
Haven't Missed Too Much

Knew He Was Coming
Ten Little Christians
Prayer of Black Preacher
Professor Has No Brain
Three Churches In Revival
They Will Come And Get It

Religious 2
Pastoral Candidates
Bible And TV Guide
Baptize Everybody
We Need Light
Jesus Said What

Burning Bush
Attend Church
Baptized Bats
Deep And Wide
Atheist Complaint

Brother's Funeral
Church Didn't Help
Extermination
What The Bible Means
Signs You Don't Know The Bible

Bible Stories Told By Children

Religious 3
Church Signs
Praise Music
Too Busy
For The Sick
Meeting Of Board

Wanted In A Pastor
Prayer of Bud Robinson
Church Members Are Like
Sunday To Be Absent
Never Heard In Church

Religious 4
Momentum
God Can
Phenomenon
Heat Is Awful
Restart Sermon

His Crowd
10 Inches Deep
Minister Forgot
Found No God
Hurt The Church

Finished Sermon
Looking For Trouble
Ecumenical Meeting
Learn From A Nut
Indian Unimpressed

Notify The Buzzards
Sermon Like Peace ...
Really Long Sermon
Jack, It’s God!
Really Knows The Bible

Just Funny
Lady Said Pew
Pilot To Tower
Can't At Night
Shoot Them
Duck, Turkey

Run Fast
Crazy English
Duck
Funny Lines
No Way

Keep Quiet
Kiss A Mule
Loan That Mule
Praise The Lord

Just Funny 2
Slip Of The Tongue
Great To Be A Dog
You're Pitching
Cross That One
Don't ask Her

Cannibals
Why Is It?
Doctor Said
Cat Scan
Pull

I'm Married
Tough Teacher
Lucky Guess
Looking Good
Chewing Gum
Methuselah's Diet
Can't Fool With Me

Just Funny 3
Psychiatric Hotline
Blonde On Other Side
Wait For Police
Sic Him Jesus
Free Tickets

Cured Her Hiccups
Greatest Lies
Bumper Stickers
Moses And George W. Bush
Football's Contribution
You Know It's Bad

Just Funny 4
Parrot Tells All
Move the Cow
Check Bounced
Corn Bread
Next Door

Girl Kittens
Mother Knows
Dog Training
Dog Can't Read
Didn't Want Ball

Now You Tell Me
Undress
Robber And Ranger
Red-faced Mother
Same Old Story

The Destructions
Mouse Sounds
Bad Language
Why Did Chicken Cross Road

Just Funny 5
Spy Game
New Diet
Quick Thinking
Dieter's Prayer
Comfortable

Cure For It
Martin Luther
Not In The Tree
Write That Down
Some Never Learn
Pretty Concrete

Relationships
Gifts For Mother
That's Why
It's Chicken
Big Sissy
Ring Bear

Day Off
Job At 7-Up
Just Married
It's Your Deer
Third Husband

A Speaking Part
Marriage Discovery
Changed My Mind

Age Jokes
How Soon
His Turn
Seven Ages
Memories
Not My Problem

Golden Old Age
Life Of Party
Can Still Drive
Just Too Tired
Tired Of You

Poem Of Elderly

Age Jokes 2
A Surprise
Her Zip
All Widows
Young Bride
Over The Hill

Smart Parents
Who's Driving
Not On The Ark
What's Her Name?
More Getting Old

Perfect Attendance
No Peer Pressure
Couldn't Remember

Funny Bits
Guard Fired
Talk About You
So Far, So Good
Should Know
Difficult English

Gifts You Don't Like
When Speeding
Stop Or Slow Down
Murphy's Law
More Murphy's Law

Monster In The Garage
Unsuccessful Inventions
Geological Questions

Funny Bits 2
Where Are The Stones?
Blonde: Yes No Yes No
Who's Dumb
Eating Peanuts
Blonde And Patrolman

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Spy Game

New Diet

Quick Thinking

Dieter’s Prayer

Comfortable

Cure For It

Martin Luther

Not In The Tree

Write That Down

Some Never Learn

Pretty Concrete

Spy Game:
The group of spies was holding a secret meeting, when the group leader called in a man and said,
"I want you to deliver the secret documents to Master Spy X-26.
He is living downtown in an apartment under the name, Gerhardt
."

"How will he know that I am a fellow spy," the man said.

"Simple," said the boss. "When he answers the door, you will say the secret code
that is known only to us
.

This is the code: 'When the restaurant closes, I'll eat in the streets.'
“When Gerhardt hears this he will recognize you as a fellow spy."

The messenger took the documents and found the building.
Arriving, he noticed on the mailbox there were two Gerhardts living in the building.

He didn't anticipate a problem in getting the right man, however, because of the secret code.
He rang at the first door.
A man answered.

The messenger looked furtively over his shoulder, then whispered quietly,
"When the restaurant closes, I'll eat in the streets."

"No, no!" Protested the man at the door.
"I'm Gerhardt the tailor. You want Gerhardt the spy, who lives upstairs."

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New Diet:
"Wow, you've lost a lot of weight. You look great!"

"I've been on a new diet."

“Really? What can you eat?"

"I can eat absolutely anything I want, any time of the day. I'm just not allowed to swallow it."

Comfortable:
A tailor from New York City is on vacation in Miami when he's struck by a taxi in front of a hotel.
A crowd gathers as the ambulance wails in the distance.
Someone covers the man with a blanket.

A woman leans over and asks, "Are you comfortable?"

The tailor replies, "I make a living."

Cure For It:
A bright farmboy announced to his weathered old Dad,
"I've decided to go to medical school and study anesthesiology."

"I wouldn't, if I were you, boy," a father said. "By the time you graduate, they'll have a cure for it."

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Pretty Concrete:
Two prisoners were sharing their reason for being in prison.
One prisoner asked the other, "What are you in here for?"

"I stole a truckload of cement."

"Did they catch you red-handed?"

"Yeah, the evidence was pretty concrete."

Not In The Tree:
One morning a little boy while waiting for the school bus decided that he would push
the outhouse over the cliff.
This he did, and went off to school as if nothing had happened.
When he returned, his father was waiting for him.
"Son," the father asked, "did you push the outhouse over the cliff?"

"Yes, father," said Harry, "like George Washington, I cannot tell a lie."

His father took called his belt and said, "All right, son, bend over.
I'm going to give you the whipping of your life
."

Harry tried to explain that Mr. Washington didn't spank George when he admitted
chopping down the cherry tree.

"Yes, son," said Harry's father, "but George Washinton's father wasn't in the cherry tree."

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Quick Thinking:
A sensitive and rather withdrawn man had the bad luck to be seated next
to a six-foot Texan with wide shoulders and a roaring voice that indicated a vile temper.
After the flight had been in the air for an hour, the Texan dozed off.

The sensitive soul, a charter member of the white-knuckle club, up-chucked his lunch
right onto the Texan's shirt.
Grabbing half a box of Kleenex, the sensitive man started to clean up the mess.

This woke the Texan, who asked, "What in the world is going on here?"

The sensitive man said, as he wiped, "There, there, you'll feel better in a minute!"

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Write That Down:
A draftee was being questioned by an army psychiatrist. "What do you think of the army?"

"I love it," the young man said. "I want to wear the uniform proudly and learn all about being a soldier.
Write that down.
"

The psychiatrist went on, "Will you be a capable soldier?"

"Sir, give me a gun and I'll show you.
I'll shoot until the gun melts.
If I can't get another weapon,
I'll pick up a stick and go at the enemy with that.
Then I'll go at them barehanded.
I'll bite them if I have to.

Write that down."

The psychiatrist said: "You sound a little crazy."

"Write that down!"

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Some Never Learn:
Jake and Junior like to hunt.Hearing about the big moose up north, they went to the wilds of Canada.
Each bagged a huge moose.
When their pilot landed to take them out, he saw their gear and the two moose.

"I can't fly out of year we view, your gear and both moose," he said.

"Why not?" Asked Jake.

"Because the load will be too heavy. The plane won't be able to take off."

They argued for a few minutes, and then Junior said, "I don't understand.
Last year, each of us had a moose, and the pilot loaded everything
."

"Well," said the pilot, "I guess if you did it last year, I can do it, too."

So they loaded the plane.

But, it was too heavy and crashed into the mountainside.
No one was hurt, and as they crawled out of the wreckage, Jake asked, "Where are we?"

Junior surveyed the scene and answered, "Oh, about a mile farther than we got last year."

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Dieter’s Prayer:
A dieter's prayer for the holidays:

"Lord, grant me the strength that I may not fall
Into the clutches of cholesterol.
At polyunsaturates, I'll never mutter,
For the road to hell is paid with butter.

And cake is cursed and cream is awful
And Satan is hiding in every waffle.
Beelzebub is a chocolate drop
And Lucifer is a lollipop.

Teach me the evils of hollandaise,
Of pasta and jobs of mayonnaise.
And crisp fried chicken from the South --
Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth."

-- Quoted by Stephen A. Pickert, MD

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Martin Luther:
A woman brought an old book into a store specializing in old volumes.
The dealer studied the book and said,
"This is a rare find, a Gutenberg Bible. It's worth a fortune!"

The woman says, "I had two of them, but I threw the other one out.
Some guy, named Martin Luther, had written all over it
!"

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