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Attitudes
They'll Never
Right Thinking
One Liners
No Bonus
Fear Of Speed

Answer Machine
Only in America
Get Me Another Doctor
Never Got Caught
A Terrible Headache

A Pesky Customer
The Real Me
My Ancestry
Happy Christians
For The Funeral

Not Batted Yet
The Tater Family
Can't Swim, Can He?
As Good As Your Dog
He Did It On Purpose
Capital Punishment

Attitudes 2
Want Credit
Her First Jump
Feel Inadequate
Alarm Clock
Having A Baby

Why Worry?
You Did Well
Will Power
One Liners
Best Compliment

It Isn't Opportunity
Makes A Difference
Late And Law Breakers
No Special Privileges
So, Who's Crazy

Power In Numbers
Optimism Or Stupidity
Didn't Recognize You
Parachute Paradigm

Attitudes 3
Word Rules
Dance Also
Ring The Bell
Repeat That
Get With It

Too Polite
Real Self-control
Miss You
Getting Kicked
Not Hollering

Never Been Wrong
No Driver's License
Without His Wallet
Prefer Darkness
Only When It Breaks

Dangerous Assumption
Only If Kindness Fails
Didn't Know Her That Well

Business
Only One Buying
Just Like You
Business Signs
Good And Bad
Not A Quitter

Need Imagination
Asleep On The Job
Smart Business
Management Styles
Never Give Me Work

Performance Reviews
Business Is Business
It's In The Translation
Using Copy Machine
Employment Recommendations

When Can You Start

Business 2
Wrong Location
Not A Madhouse
Ad Got Results
Fitness Program
Too Polite

Letters to Landlords
More Than Mother
He's My Friend
How To Succeed
Is It Necessary?

I'll Not Open The Store
Yes -- No -- Yes -- No
Knew What To Say
Worth Ten Dollars
Your First Worry

Management Translated
Successful Job Placement

Religious
Wife Will Want To
Minutes To Kill
What's a Lie?
Hanging Pastors
First Fight

Pastor Sick
Deacon's Call
Mother's Prayer
Missing Something
Get Rid Of Pastor

It's In Your Pockets
Narrow Baptists
No Excuse Sunday
God, If You're In There
Haven't Missed Too Much

Knew He Was Coming
Ten Little Christians
Prayer of Black Preacher
Professor Has No Brain
Three Churches In Revival
They Will Come And Get It

Religious 2
Pastoral Candidates
Bible And TV Guide
Baptize Everybody
We Need Light
Jesus Said What

Burning Bush
Attend Church
Baptized Bats
Deep And Wide
Atheist Complaint

Brother's Funeral
Church Didn't Help
Extermination
What The Bible Means
Signs You Don't Know The Bible

Bible Stories Told By Children

Religious 3
Church Signs
Praise Music
Too Busy
For The Sick
Meeting Of Board

Wanted In A Pastor
Prayer of Bud Robinson
Church Members Are Like
Sunday To Be Absent
Never Heard In Church

Religious 4
Momentum
God Can
Phenomenon
Heat Is Awful
Restart Sermon

His Crowd
10 Inches Deep
Minister Forgot
Found No God
Hurt The Church

Finished Sermon
Looking For Trouble
Ecumenical Meeting
Learn From A Nut
Indian Unimpressed

Notify The Buzzards
Sermon Like Peace ...
Really Long Sermon
Jack, Itís God!
Really Knows The Bible

Just Funny
Lady Said Pew
Pilot To Tower
Can't At Night
Shoot Them
Duck, Turkey

Run Fast
Crazy English
Duck
Funny Lines
No Way

Keep Quiet
Kiss A Mule
Loan That Mule
Praise The Lord

Just Funny 2
Slip Of The Tongue
Great To Be A Dog
You're Pitching
Cross That One
Don't ask Her

Cannibals
Why Is It?
Doctor Said
Cat Scan
Pull

I'm Married
Tough Teacher
Lucky Guess
Looking Good
Chewing Gum
Methuselah's Diet
Can't Fool With Me

Just Funny 3
Psychiatric Hotline
Blonde On Other Side
Wait For Police
Sic Him Jesus
Free Tickets

Cured Her Hiccups
Greatest Lies
Bumper Stickers
Moses And George W. Bush
Football's Contribution
You Know It's Bad

Just Funny 4
Parrot Tells All
Move the Cow
Check Bounced
Corn Bread
Next Door

Girl Kittens
Mother Knows
Dog Training
Dog Can't Read
Didn't Want Ball

Now You Tell Me
Undress
Robber And Ranger
Red-faced Mother
Same Old Story

The Destructions
Mouse Sounds
Bad Language
Why Did Chicken Cross Road

Just Funny 5
Spy Game
New Diet
Quick Thinking
Dieter's Prayer
Comfortable

Cure For It
Martin Luther
Not In The Tree
Write That Down
Some Never Learn
Pretty Concrete

Relationships
Gifts For Mother
That's Why
It's Chicken
Big Sissy
Ring Bear

Day Off
Job At 7-Up
Just Married
It's Your Deer
Third Husband

A Speaking Part
Marriage Discovery
Changed My Mind

Age Jokes
How Soon
His Turn
Seven Ages
Memories
Not My Problem

Golden Old Age
Life Of Party
Can Still Drive
Just Too Tired
Tired Of You

Poem Of Elderly

Age Jokes 2
A Surprise
Her Zip
All Widows
Young Bride
Over The Hill

Smart Parents
Who's Driving
Not On The Ark
What's Her Name?
More Getting Old

Perfect Attendance
No Peer Pressure
Couldn't Remember

Funny Bits
Guard Fired
Talk About You
So Far, So Good
Should Know
Difficult English

Gifts You Don't Like
When Speeding
Stop Or Slow Down
Murphy's Law
More Murphy's Law

Monster In The Garage
Unsuccessful Inventions
Geological Questions

Funny Bits 2
Where Are The Stones?
Blonde: Yes No Yes No
Who's Dumb
Eating Peanuts
Blonde And Patrolman

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Word Rules

Dance Also

Ring The Bell

Repeat That

Get With It

Too Polite

Real Self-control

Miss You

Getting Kicked

Not Hollering

Never Been Wrong

No Driverís License

Without His Wallet

Prefer Darkness

Only When It Breaks

Dangerous Assumption

Only If Kindness Fails

Donít Know Her That Well

Dangerous Assumption:
On a summer vacation a boy from New York City was hiking at night
in the Rocky Mountain National Park.

He asked the guide, "Is it true that a grizzly bear won't attack you if you're carrying a flashlight?"

"That depends," the guide answered, " On how fast you're carrying it."

Word Rules:
My several years in the word game have learnt me several rules:

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.

11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said:
"I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.''
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't more use words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Profanity sucks.
15. Be more or less specific.
16. Understatement is always best.
17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be avoided.

21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
23. Who needs rhetorical questions?

Attributed to Frank L. Visco, Vice-president and Senior Copywriter at USAdvertising.

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Too Polite:
It's for certain that you can carry this politeness thing too far.

Just take a look at this obstetrical case.
This is the story of a pregnant woman who complained to her doctor that she was afraid
her unborn child might grow up to be rough and coarse like her husband,
and what could she do to prevent that.

The doctor advised that every morning when she got up, she should tap her finger on her belly
and repeat the words, "BE POLITE, BE POLITE, BE POLITE," and the same thing before
going to bed at night.
This, he assured her would have the correct impression on the unborn child to be polite.

She carried out the doctor's orders to a "T."
After the eighth month she was anticipating the birth of the child.
It was nine months, and still the child wasn't born.

Ten and eleven months passed, andfinally a year, and still she hadn't given birth.

In alarm, she returned to the doctor.
He examined her and then put her under the fluoroscope to see what was wrong inside,
and there he beheld the strangest sight ever known to medical science.

There he saw two babies, twins, each one pointing to the opening and saying to the other,
"After you," and the other would reply, "No, after you . . ."

-- James E. Myers, A Treasury of Medical Humor (Springfield, IL: Lincoln-Herndon Press, Inc.)

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Only When It Breaks:
There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff
several hundred feet in the air.

The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket
which was pulled to the top
by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength.

Obviously, the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying.
One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which
he was suspended was old and frayed.

With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket
how often they changed the rope.

The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."

Dance Also:
A man went to a pet shop and asked for a bird that could sling.
The proprietor brought out a gorgeous tropical bird, looked the bird in the eye,
puckered his lips and started to whistle.

The bird took up the very note and finished the tune with him.

"That's mighty fine," the customer said, "but I'd never pay money for that bird.
His right leg's crippled
."

"I thought you wanted me to sing!" Cried the bird. "I gotta dance, too?"

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Real Self-cointrol:
"I'm rather proud of my self-control, "remarked Paul.
"I've stopped smoking and stuck to it now for two weeks."

"That's simply a matter of commitment," responded his father.
"Real self-control is stopping the habit and refraining from telling anyone."

Never Been Wrong:
"Grandpa, have you ever been wrong?" Asked little Mary.
"Oh, one time I thought I was, but I was obviously mistaken."

No Driverís License:
After being pulled over for speeding, the speeder confronted the officer and said:
"Why don't you people get organized?
First,you take away my driver's license and the next day you ask to see it
."

Get With It:
Coming upon a white leather football the farmers son had brought into the yard,
the rooster called his hens around him.
"Now, ladies, I don't want to appear ungrateful,
but I do want you to see what's being done in other yards
."

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Ring The Bell:
A man was driving past a country estate and saw a sign on a gatepost:
"Please ring bell for caretaker."

So the man rang the bell, and an ancient fellow appeared.
"Are you the caretaker?" Asked the man.

"Yes, I am -- may I help you?" Responded the old man.

"Oh, no," replied the man. "I was just wondering why you can't ring the bell yourself."

Miss You:
One night at a basketball banquet the president of a junior college was congratulating
the coach and team profusely.
The beaming coach asked the president, "Would you still like me as much if we didn't win?"

"I'd like you as much," the President replied. "I'd just miss having you around."

Without His Wallet:
A young lady was explaining to a friend the reason for breaking her engagement
to her wealthy fiance.
"I saw him in a swimsuit the other day and he looked so different without his wallet."

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Only If Kindess Fails:
In that trying time preceding the program, the visiting lecturer was being entertained
by a local leader of the fluttery type.
Hard pressed for conversational topics, finally she asked, "And do you believe in clubs for women."

"Oh yes," the lecturer said. "Yes, indeed."
Then pausing for a moment, he added, "But of course, only when kindness fails."

Not Hollering:
A man was drowning and yelled, "Help, I can't swim. I can't swim."

"I can't either, "said the old man sitting on the bank. "But I'm not hollering about it."

Repeat That:
The proud father of triplets called the local newspaper to report the event.
The man at the other end, not quite hearing what he said, asked, "Will you repeat that?"
The proud father snapped back, "Not if I can help it!"

Getting Kicked:
Bishop Fulton J. Sheen: "When you're getting kicked from the rear-- it means you're in front."

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Didnít Know Her That Well:
As a courier for an express delivery service, a man tried to deliver a package
that required refrigeration, but found no one home.
He went to the house next door and told the woman who answered
that he had a package or neighbor.

"Oh, she works Monday through Friday and every other Saturday,"said the woman,
"and some Sundays.
She leaves about 7:40 in the morning and gets home around 5:30,
unless she goes to the store, in which case it's closer to 7.
And she's going to the store tonight because her kids are coming to visit -- one all the way
from California
!"

When she paused to take a breath, the courier asked if she would accept her neighbor's package.

"Oh, no, I can't do that," she said. "I don't know her that well."

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Prefer Darkness:
An old story tells of a desert nomad who awakened in the middle of the night.
He lit a candle and began eating dates from a bowl beside his bed.
He took a bite from one and saw a worm in it; so he threw it out of the tent.

He picked up a second date, took a bite out of it, and found another worm.
He threw that date out of the tent too.
Then he picked up a third date, took a bite out of it, and found another worm.
He threw that one away also.

He was very hungry, and reasoning that he wouldn't have any dates left to eat
if he continued, he blew out the candle and quickly ate the rest of the dates.

Many of us are like that.
We prefer darkness and denial to the light of reality.

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