Slip Of The Tongue: A vaudeville ventriloquist fell on hard times. The bookings were few and the money was thin.
His agent offered some advice: "Spiritualism. That's where the money is. Help people communicate with their loved ones and you'll be set for life."
The ventriloquist hung out a "Medium & Spiritualist" sign, and waited for his first customer. A woman arrived and asked, "What would it cost to communicate with my late husband?"
"We could do it for ten, fifty, or one hundred dollars.
"What's the difference?"
"For ten dollars," replied the spiritualist, "you may hear your husband speak, but not talk back. For fifty dollars you may have a complete two-way conversation."
"And what do I get for the hundred?"
"For the hundred," said the spiritualist, "you get the two-way conversation while I drink a glass of water."
Cannibals: Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father.” "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad.
“Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
Don’t Ask Her: A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned.
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to babysit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point,the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.
In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
Cat Scan: A man wakes up to find his dog, dead, lying next to the bed on the floor. He doesn't believe his dog is dead, so he takes him to the vet, and the vet says, "I'm sorry, but your dog is dead."
The man doesn't believe him and says, "I want a second opinion." The doctor goes into the back and brings out a cat. The cat jumps all over the dog and bites it and says to the vet, "Meeoowrr."
The vet says again, "I'm sorry, sir, your dog is dead."
The man says, "No, I want another opinion."
So the doctor brings out a chocolate lab and the lab jumps all over the dead dog and tugs at it and barks at it and says to the vet, "Rrrrr."
The vet says, "I'm sorry, sir, but your dog is dead," and the man says, "Okay, how much is that?"
"$500," the vet replies.
"$500 to tell me my dog is dead?"asks the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "My fee is 100 dollars, the cat scan was 300 dollars and the lab test was 200 dollars."
Tough Teacher: A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible, and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that term!
Great To Be A Dog: No one expects you to take a bath every day. If it itches, you can scratch it. There's no such thing as bad food. A rawhide bone can entertain you for hours. If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices. You can lie around all day without worrying about being fired. You're always excited to see the same people. Having big feet is considered an asset. Puppy love can last.
Can’t Fool With Me: Mickey Mantle had a friend who would let him hunt on his ranch. One day he went to the ranch to hunt along with teammate Billy Martin. Billy stayed in the car while Mickey checked with his friend.
Mickey was given permission to hunt, but the rancher asked him for a favor. His old mule was going blind and had become crippled, but the rancher just didn't have the heart to put him out of his misery -- so he asked Mickey if he would shoot the old mule as a favor.
When Mickey came back to the car, he decided to play a trick on Billy and pretended to be angry.
"What's wrong?" Asked Billy.
"My friend told me no hunting!"
Mickey pounded his fist on the dashboard pretending anger and said, "Why, that guy got me so mad I'm going into the barn and shoot one of his mules."
With that, Mickey jumped out of the car and headed or the barn. In quick order he took care of the mule and started back to the car to tell Billy that it was just a joke.
At that moment Mickey heard two shots fired and found Billy Martin standing over two dead cows.
"What are you doing?" Asked Mickey.
Martin answered, "Why, I saw how mad you were, so I'll wanted to let the rancher know he couldn't fool with me either."
Methuselah’s Diet: Methuselah ate what he found on his plate, and never, as people do now, did he know the amount of the caloric count; he ate it because it was chow.
He wasn't disturbed as at dinner he sat, consuming a roast or a pie, to think it was lacking in granular fat, or a couple of vitamins shy.
He cheerfully chewed every species of food, untroubled by worries or fears, lest his health might be hurt by some fancy dessert, and he lived over nine hundred years.
Never Felt Better: A farmer was coming out of his field along the back roads of a remote area. Just as he pulled out on the road, a city slicker came speeding over the hilltop and hit his rig.
The farmer is lying there pinned under his wagon... his dog not far away... and his mule across the road in the other ditch.
About that time a car pulled up and the farmer thought, "Thank God, someone is going to help me."
When he saw that it was the sheriff, he was even more relieved. The sheriff looked over the situation at a glance. Seeing the mule had a broken leg and suffering, he pulled out of his revolver and shot it to end its misery.
He walked across the road and saw the dog was just as bad off, so he shot him to end his misery. Then he walked back over to the farmer and asked if he was in pain.
Lucky Guess: A farmer was walking down the road carrying a sack. His neighbor was driving his pickup and pulled alongside of him and asked him what was in his bag. "Chickens," the farmer answered.
The neighbor then asked how many were in the sack.
The farmer replied with a challenge, "You guess how many chickens are in this sack and I will give you both of them."
Guess who got the chickens?
You’re Pitching: Two Rotarians who were avid baseball fans were wondering if baseball was played in heaven. They agreed that the first one to die would contact the other to let him know. Soon thereafter, one of them died.
As promised, he got in touch with his friend and said, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that they do play baseball in heaven."
When his friend asked for the bad news, he said, "You're pitching on Thursday.”
Chewing Gum: Two men were facing each other in the waiting room at the airport. Once said to the other, "I'm sorry, but I'm a little hard of hearing. Could you speak up?"
The other replied, "I haven't said anything. I'm chewing gum."
Doctor Said: John looked real worried as he left the doctor's office. His wife asked what was wrong.
"The doctor says I will have to take this medicine for the rest of my life, and it's only a two-week supply."
Homesick: The youngster had gone on his first long camping trip. His doting mother anxiously asked him whether he had become homesick. "Nope," he replied, "the only kids who got homesick were the ones with dogs back home."
Pull: A haggard young man went to his psychiatrist and complained of a recurring bad dream. "Every night," he said, "I dream of a sign on the door and I pushed it and pushed it, but I can't open it!"
The doctor took notes frantically. "And what does the sign say?" He asked.
Cross That One: Three friends who always argued about who was the smartest are sitting on death row. The first one's number comes up, but when he sits down in the electric chair, nothing happens. The warden commutes his sentence on the spot and releases him. The same thing happens with the second man and he is let go.
Then the third guy steps up to the platform and sits down. The switch is pulled and again there is no electric charge. But before the warden can say anything, the prisoner starts pointing excitedly. "You know," he says, "if you would just cross that black wire with the yellow one..."
Looking Good: A lady was driving through a road repair project. After waiting a few minutes for a bulldozer to get out of the way, as she leaned out of the window to make sure the car was in the right track, she called to a workman standing by:
"Am I all right?"
He glanced at her and grinned approvingly: "You sure looked all right to me."
I’m Married: A woman who had just completed a Red Cross course in CPR was crossing the street downtown. She found a man lying face down in a flooded gutter. Quickly, she rushed to his aid.
She turned him over all his back and immediately began to apply the so-called "kiss of life" by breathing into his mouth. The man suddenly sat up and pushed the woman away from him,
"I don't know what you're doing," he shouted. "But I'm clearing the drain, and I'm a married man."
Catch Mice: A woman accidentally ran over her neighbor's cat while driving down the street. She stopped, very upset, and ran to the door to apologize. "I'd like to replace it," she told the neighbor.
