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Attitudes
They'll Never
Right Thinking
One Liners
No Bonus
Fear Of Speed

Answer Machine
Only in America
Get Me Another Doctor
Never Got Caught
A Terrible Headache

A Pesky Customer
The Real Me
My Ancestry
Happy Christians
For The Funeral

Not Batted Yet
The Tater Family
Can't Swim, Can He?
As Good As Your Dog
He Did It On Purpose
Capital Punishment

Attitudes 2
Want Credit
Her First Jump
Feel Inadequate
Alarm Clock
Having A Baby

Why Worry?
You Did Well
Will Power
One Liners
Best Compliment

It Isn't Opportunity
Makes A Difference
Late And Law Breakers
No Special Privileges
So, Who's Crazy

Power In Numbers
Optimism Or Stupidity
Didn't Recognize You
Parachute Paradigm

Attitudes 3
Word Rules
Dance Also
Ring The Bell
Repeat That
Get With It

Too Polite
Real Self-control
Miss You
Getting Kicked
Not Hollering

Never Been Wrong
No Driver's License
Without His Wallet
Prefer Darkness
Only When It Breaks

Dangerous Assumption
Only If Kindness Fails
Didn't Know Her That Well

Business
Only One Buying
Just Like You
Business Signs
Good And Bad
Not A Quitter

Need Imagination
Asleep On The Job
Smart Business
Management Styles
Never Give Me Work

Performance Reviews
Business Is Business
It's In The Translation
Using Copy Machine
Employment Recommendations

When Can You Start

Business 2
Wrong Location
Not A Madhouse
Ad Got Results
Fitness Program
Too Polite

Letters to Landlords
More Than Mother
He's My Friend
How To Succeed
Is It Necessary?

I'll Not Open The Store
Yes -- No -- Yes -- No
Knew What To Say
Worth Ten Dollars
Your First Worry

Management Translated
Successful Job Placement

Religious
Wife Will Want To
Minutes To Kill
What's a Lie?
Hanging Pastors
First Fight

Pastor Sick
Deacon's Call
Mother's Prayer
Missing Something
Get Rid Of Pastor

It's In Your Pockets
Narrow Baptists
No Excuse Sunday
God, If You're In There
Haven't Missed Too Much

Knew He Was Coming
Ten Little Christians
Prayer of Black Preacher
Professor Has No Brain
Three Churches In Revival
They Will Come And Get It

Religious 2
Pastoral Candidates
Bible And TV Guide
Baptize Everybody
We Need Light
Jesus Said What

Burning Bush
Attend Church
Baptized Bats
Deep And Wide
Atheist Complaint

Brother's Funeral
Church Didn't Help
Extermination
What The Bible Means
Signs You Don't Know The Bible

Bible Stories Told By Children

Religious 3
Church Signs
Praise Music
Too Busy
For The Sick
Meeting Of Board

Wanted In A Pastor
Prayer of Bud Robinson
Church Members Are Like
Sunday To Be Absent
Never Heard In Church

Religious 4
Momentum
God Can
Phenomenon
Heat Is Awful
Restart Sermon

His Crowd
10 Inches Deep
Minister Forgot
Found No God
Hurt The Church

Finished Sermon
Looking For Trouble
Ecumenical Meeting
Learn From A Nut
Indian Unimpressed

Notify The Buzzards
Sermon Like Peace ...
Really Long Sermon
Jack, Itís God!
Really Knows The Bible

Just Funny
Lady Said Pew
Pilot To Tower
Can't At Night
Shoot Them
Duck, Turkey

Run Fast
Crazy English
Duck
Funny Lines
No Way

Keep Quiet
Kiss A Mule
Loan That Mule
Praise The Lord

Just Funny 2
Slip Of The Tongue
Great To Be A Dog
You're Pitching
Cross That One
Don't ask Her

Cannibals
Why Is It?
Doctor Said
Cat Scan
Pull

I'm Married
Tough Teacher
Lucky Guess
Looking Good
Chewing Gum
Methuselah's Diet
Can't Fool With Me

Just Funny 3
Psychiatric Hotline
Blonde On Other Side
Wait For Police
Sic Him Jesus
Free Tickets

Cured Her Hiccups
Greatest Lies
Bumper Stickers
Moses And George W. Bush
Football's Contribution
You Know It's Bad

Just Funny 4
Parrot Tells All
Move the Cow
Check Bounced
Corn Bread
Next Door

Girl Kittens
Mother Knows
Dog Training
Dog Can't Read
Didn't Want Ball

Now You Tell Me
Undress
Robber And Ranger
Red-faced Mother
Same Old Story

The Destructions
Mouse Sounds
Bad Language
Why Did Chicken Cross Road

Just Funny 5
Spy Game
New Diet
Quick Thinking
Dieter's Prayer
Comfortable

Cure For It
Martin Luther
Not In The Tree
Write That Down
Some Never Learn
Pretty Concrete

Relationships
Gifts For Mother
That's Why
It's Chicken
Big Sissy
Ring Bear

Day Off
Job At 7-Up
Just Married
It's Your Deer
Third Husband

A Speaking Part
Marriage Discovery
Changed My Mind

Age Jokes
How Soon
His Turn
Seven Ages
Memories
Not My Problem

Golden Old Age
Life Of Party
Can Still Drive
Just Too Tired
Tired Of You

Poem Of Elderly

Age Jokes 2
A Surprise
Her Zip
All Widows
Young Bride
Over The Hill

Smart Parents
Who's Driving
Not On The Ark
What's Her Name?
More Getting Old

Perfect Attendance
No Peer Pressure
Couldn't Remember

Funny Bits
Guard Fired
Talk About You
So Far, So Good
Should Know
Difficult English

Gifts You Don't Like
When Speeding
Stop Or Slow Down
Murphy's Law
More Murphy's Law

Monster In The Garage
Unsuccessful Inventions
Geological Questions

Funny Bits 2
Where Are The Stones?
Blonde: Yes No Yes No
Who's Dumb
Eating Peanuts
Blonde And Patrolman

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Slip Of The Tongue

Great To Be A Dog

Youíre Pitching

Cross That One

Donít Ask Her

Cannibals

Why Is It?

Doctor Said

Cat Scan

Pull

Iím Married

Tough Teacher

Lucky Guess

Looking Good

Chewing Gum

Methuselahís Diet

Canít Fool With Me

Slip Of The Tongue:
A vaudeville ventriloquist fell on hard times.
The bookings were few and the money was thin.

His agent offered some advice: "Spiritualism. That's where the money is.
Help people communicate with their loved ones and you'll be set for life.
"

The ventriloquist hung out a "Medium & Spiritualist" sign, and waited for his first customer.
A woman arrived and asked, "What would it cost to communicate with my late husband?"

"We could do it for ten, fifty, or one hundred dollars.

"What's the difference?"

"For ten dollars," replied the spiritualist, "you may hear your husband speak, but not talk back.
For fifty dollars you may have a complete two-way conversation
."

"And what do I get for the hundred?"

"For the hundred," said the spiritualist,
"you get the two-way conversation while I drink a glass of water."

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Cannibals:
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat.
They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man.
The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one."
"No," said the father.Ē
"There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs.
We'll just wait
."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man.
The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough."
"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.
The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad.

ďLet's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

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Donít Ask Her:
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams.
I've known you since you were a young boy.
And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains
to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you
."

The lawyer was stunned.

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.
I used to babysit him for his parents.
And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me.
He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem.
The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest
in the entire state. Yes, I know him
."

At this point,the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.

In a very quiet voice, he said with menace,
"If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

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Cat Scan:
A man wakes up to find his dog, dead, lying next to the bed on the floor.
He doesn't believe his dog is dead, so he takes him to the vet,
and the vet says, "I'm sorry, but your dog is dead."

The man doesn't believe him and says, "I want a second opinion."
The doctor goes into the back and brings out a cat.
The cat jumps all over the dog and bites it and says to the vet, "Meeoowrr."

The vet says again, "I'm sorry, sir, your dog is dead."

The man says, "No, I want another opinion."

So the doctor brings out a chocolate lab and the lab jumps all over the dead dog and tugs at it
and barks at it and says to the vet, "Rrrrr."

The vet says, "I'm sorry, sir, but your dog is dead," and the man says, "Okay, how much is that?"

"$500," the vet replies.

"$500 to tell me my dog is dead?"asks the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "My fee is 100 dollars, the cat scan was 300 dollars
and the lab test was 200 dollars.
"

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Tough Teacher:
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable.
On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned
to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible,
and then busied himself with desk work.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
He had no trouble with discipline that term!

Great To Be A Dog:
No one expects you to take a bath every day.
If it itches, you can scratch it.
There's no such thing as bad food.
A rawhide bone can entertain you for hours.
If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.
You can lie around all day without worrying about being fired.
You're always excited to see the same people.
Having big feet is considered an asset.
Puppy love can last.

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Canít Fool With Me:
Mickey Mantle had a friend who would let him hunt on his ranch.
One day he went to the ranch to hunt along with teammate Billy Martin.
Billy stayed in the car while Mickey checked with his friend.

Mickey was given permission to hunt, but the rancher asked him for a favor.
His old mule was going blind and had become crippled, but the rancher just didn't have the heart
to put him out of his misery -- so he asked Mickey if he would shoot the old mule as a favor.

When Mickey came back to the car, he decided to play a trick on Billy and pretended to be angry.

"What's wrong?" Asked Billy.

"My friend told me no hunting!"

Mickey pounded his fist on the dashboard pretending anger and said,
"Why, that guy got me so mad I'm going into the barn and shoot one of his mules."

With that, Mickey jumped out of the car and headed or the barn.
In quick order he took care of the mule and started back to the car to tell Billy that it was just a joke.

At that moment Mickey heard two shots fired and found Billy Martin standing over two dead cows.

"What are you doing?" Asked Mickey.

Martin answered, "Why, I saw how mad you were, so I'll wanted to let the rancher know
he couldn't fool with me either
."

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Methuselahís Diet:
Methuselah ate what he found on his plate, and never, as people do now,
did he know the amount of the caloric count; he ate it because it was chow.

He wasn't disturbed as at dinner he sat, consuming a roast or a pie,
to think it was lacking in granular fat, or a couple of vitamins shy.

He cheerfully chewed every species of food, untroubled by worries or fears,
lest his health might be hurt by some fancy dessert, and he lived over nine hundred years.

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Never Felt Better:
A farmer was coming out of his field along the back roads of a remote area.
Just as he pulled out on the road, a city slicker came speeding over the hilltop and hit his rig.

The farmer is lying there pinned under his wagon... his dog not far away... and his mule across
the road in the other ditch.

About that time a car pulled up and the farmer thought, "Thank God, someone is going to help me."

When he saw that it was the sheriff, he was even more relieved.
The sheriff looked over the situation at a glance.
Seeing the mule had a broken leg and suffering, he pulled out of his revolver and shot it to end its misery.

He walked across the road and saw the dog was just as bad off, so he shot him to end his misery.
Then he walked back over to the farmer and asked if he was in pain.

"Never felt better in my life!" The farmer said.

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Lucky Guess:
A farmer was walking down the road carrying a sack.
His neighbor was driving his pickup and pulled alongside of him and asked him what was in his bag.
"Chickens," the farmer answered.

The neighbor then asked how many were in the sack.

The farmer replied with a challenge, "You guess how many chickens are in this sack
and I will give you both of them.
"

Guess who got the chickens?

Youíre Pitching:
Two Rotarians who were avid baseball fans were wondering if baseball was played in heaven.
They agreed that the first one to die would contact the other to let him know.
Soon thereafter, one of them died.

As promised, he got in touch with his friend and said, "I have good news and bad news.
The good news is that they do play baseball in heaven
."

When his friend asked for the bad news, he said, "You're pitching on Thursday

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Why Is It?:
Is it because light travels faster than sound why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

It's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow. How cold will it be?

Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

Why do banks charge you an "insufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why do they call it the Department of the Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

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Chewing Gum:
Two men were facing each other in the waiting room at the airport.
Once said to the other, "I'm sorry, but I'm a little hard of hearing. Could you speak up?"

The other replied, "I haven't said anything. I'm chewing gum."

Doctor Said:
John looked real worried as he left the doctor's office.
His wife asked what was wrong.

"The doctor says I will have to take this medicine for the rest of my life, and it's only a two-week supply."

Homesick:
The youngster had gone on his first long camping trip.
His doting mother anxiously asked him whether he had become homesick.
"Nope," he replied, "the only kids who got homesick were the ones with dogs back home."

Pull:
A haggard young man went to his psychiatrist and complained of a recurring bad dream.
"Every night," he said, "I dream of a sign on the door and I pushed it and pushed it, but I can't open it!"

The doctor took notes frantically.
"And what does the sign say?" He asked.

"Pull."

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Cross That One:
Three friends who always argued about who was the smartest are sitting on death row.
The first one's number comes up, but when he sits down in the electric chair, nothing happens.
The warden commutes his sentence on the spot and releases him.
The same thing happens with the second man and he is let go.

Then the third guy steps up to the platform and sits down.
The switch is pulled and again there is no electric charge.
But before the warden can say anything, the prisoner starts pointing excitedly.
"You know," he says, "if you would just cross that black wire with the yellow one..."

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Looking Good:
A lady was driving through a road repair project.
After waiting a few minutes for a bulldozer to get out of the way, as she leaned out of the window
to make sure the car was in the right track, she called to a workman standing by:

"Am I all right?"

He glanced at her and grinned approvingly: "You sure looked all right to me."

Iím Married:
A woman who had just completed a Red Cross course in CPR was crossing the street downtown.
She found a man lying face down in a flooded gutter.
Quickly, she rushed to his aid.

She turned him over all his back and immediately began to apply the so-called "kiss of life"
by breathing into his mouth.
The man suddenly sat up and pushed the woman away from him,

"I don't know what you're doing," he shouted. "But I'm clearing the drain, and I'm a married man."

Catch Mice:
A woman accidentally ran over her neighbor's cat while driving down the street.
She stopped, very upset, and ran to the door to apologize.
"I'd like to replace it," she told the neighbor.

"Really? You know how to catch mice?"

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