Not On The Ark: The little boy asked his grandfather if he had been in the ark with Noah. The grandfather chuckled a little and told his grandson that he was not on the ark. The confused grandson asked, "Then why didn't you drown, Grandpa?"
No Peer Pressure: A lady celebrating her 102nd birthday was asked what she enjoyed most about her advanced age.
"The lack of peer pressure, "she replied.
-- Anybody who can still do at 60 what he was doing at 20 wasn't doing much at 20.
-- Man is the only creature who spends two-thirds of his lifetime saving up for old age, and the last third denying that it has arrived.
-- Old folks are worth a fortune, with silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet, and gas in their stomachs.
Young Bride: John: "How does an 80-year-old man like you get a gorgeous 25-year-old bride?" Harry: "I told her I was 90!"
Her Zip: An elderly lady was filling out the registration form at a doctor's office. After the address the form inquired about her, "ZIP." She answered: "Not bad for my age."
“Couldn’t Remember!”: An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidently forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their physician to get some help.
Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice.
When they got home, the wife said, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"
"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget. "
"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!"
"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget ," said the wife.
"Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."
With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream.
He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later. Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs.
The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said,
" I knew you wouldn't get it right!! Where's the toast??"
-- They're having an age problem. He won't act his, and she won't tell hers.
-- You're getting older when it takes you more time to recover than it did to tire you out.
Doctor: "You should live to be 80." Patient: "I am 85." Doctor: "See -- what did I tell you!"
Who’ Driving: Two elderly women were out driving in a large car --both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through.
This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through, and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
-- Old age is when your computer has more memory than you.
A Surprise: Mary, who is in the catering business was consulting with a woman about throwing a birthday party for her 60-year-old husband.
"Is it a surprise?" Mary asked.
"Oh, no," answered the woman. "He knows he's going to be 60."
All Widows: On a whim, he decided to take a trip around the country o look up nearly a dozen old girlfriends. Upon his return he exclaimed, "Whew! Thank goodness I never married any of those women. They're all widows now!"
Smart Parents: A man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son in New York one November day.
The father says to the son, "I hate to tell you, but we've got some troubles. Your mother and I can't stand each other anymore, and we're getting a divorce. I've had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I'm telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn't go into shock later when I move out."
He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hampton and tells her the news. The sister says, "I'll handle this."
She calls Florida and says to her father, "Don't do ANYTHING till we get there! We'll be there Wednesday night."
The father agrees, "All right."
He hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?"
Perfect Attendance: A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the rabbi went to see him.
He found him in excellent health, so the rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man looked around and lowered his voice. I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered.
"When I got to be 90 I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must have forgotten about me ..... and I don't want to remind Him."
-- Christiaan A. Brugman, Albemarle Road Presbyterian Church, Charlotte, NC]
You keep repeating yourself. You keep repeating yourself. Lawn care is the highlight of your summer. You listen to "easy listening" stations on purpose.
You start videotaping daytime game shows. You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé. Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
You start the "Hokey Pokey" by putting your left hip out...and it stays out. One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle. Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
It takes you two tries to get over a parking lot speed bump. You try to see how long your car will go instead of how fast it will go. You begin every other sentence with, "I remember when…"
You run out of breath walking down stairs. You look both ways before crossing a room. You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
The waiter asks how you'd like your steak…and you say "pureed." The candles cost more than your cake. You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread used to cost.
Your back goes out more than you do. You pay more today for a postage stamp than you once paid for a movie. You see your childhood toys in a museum.
Your narrow waist and broad mind have exchanged places You hear "snap, crackle, pop" when you're not eating cereal. Those clothes you put away "until they come back into style" have "come back into style."
That car you bought brand-new is now referred to as an antique. You arrange your hair rather than comb it. The best part of your day is over when you turn off the alarm clock.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks in the room. You stick a compass to your car's windshield. A friend of yours is dating someone half their age…legally!
Your arms have grown too short to read the newspaper. You sing along with elevator music. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You no longer consider a speed limit sign as a challenge. People call you at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you?" You enjoy wearing black socks with sandals.
Your ears grow hair better than your head. You get into an argument about pension plans. Your only keep cable for The Weather Channel. You have a party and the neighbors don't even know it.