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Attitudes
They'll Never
Right Thinking
One Liners
No Bonus
Fear Of Speed

Answer Machine
Only in America
Get Me Another Doctor
Never Got Caught
A Terrible Headache

A Pesky Customer
The Real Me
My Ancestry
Happy Christians
For The Funeral

Not Batted Yet
The Tater Family
Can't Swim, Can He?
As Good As Your Dog
He Did It On Purpose
Capital Punishment

Attitudes 2
Want Credit
Her First Jump
Feel Inadequate
Alarm Clock
Having A Baby

Why Worry?
You Did Well
Will Power
One Liners
Best Compliment

It Isn't Opportunity
Makes A Difference
Late And Law Breakers
No Special Privileges
So, Who's Crazy

Power In Numbers
Optimism Or Stupidity
Didn't Recognize You
Parachute Paradigm

Attitudes 3
Word Rules
Dance Also
Ring The Bell
Repeat That
Get With It

Too Polite
Real Self-control
Miss You
Getting Kicked
Not Hollering

Never Been Wrong
No Driver's License
Without His Wallet
Prefer Darkness
Only When It Breaks

Dangerous Assumption
Only If Kindness Fails
Didn't Know Her That Well

Business
Only One Buying
Just Like You
Business Signs
Good And Bad
Not A Quitter

Need Imagination
Asleep On The Job
Smart Business
Management Styles
Never Give Me Work

Performance Reviews
Business Is Business
It's In The Translation
Using Copy Machine
Employment Recommendations

When Can You Start

Business 2
Wrong Location
Not A Madhouse
Ad Got Results
Fitness Program
Too Polite

Letters to Landlords
More Than Mother
He's My Friend
How To Succeed
Is It Necessary?

I'll Not Open The Store
Yes -- No -- Yes -- No
Knew What To Say
Worth Ten Dollars
Your First Worry

Management Translated
Successful Job Placement

Religious
Wife Will Want To
Minutes To Kill
What's a Lie?
Hanging Pastors
First Fight

Pastor Sick
Deacon's Call
Mother's Prayer
Missing Something
Get Rid Of Pastor

It's In Your Pockets
Narrow Baptists
No Excuse Sunday
God, If You're In There
Haven't Missed Too Much

Knew He Was Coming
Ten Little Christians
Prayer of Black Preacher
Professor Has No Brain
Three Churches In Revival
They Will Come And Get It

Religious 2
Pastoral Candidates
Bible And TV Guide
Baptize Everybody
We Need Light
Jesus Said What

Burning Bush
Attend Church
Baptized Bats
Deep And Wide
Atheist Complaint

Brother's Funeral
Church Didn't Help
Extermination
What The Bible Means
Signs You Don't Know The Bible

Bible Stories Told By Children

Religious 3
Church Signs
Praise Music
Too Busy
For The Sick
Meeting Of Board

Wanted In A Pastor
Prayer of Bud Robinson
Church Members Are Like
Sunday To Be Absent
Never Heard In Church

Religious 4
Momentum
God Can
Phenomenon
Heat Is Awful
Restart Sermon

His Crowd
10 Inches Deep
Minister Forgot
Found No God
Hurt The Church

Finished Sermon
Looking For Trouble
Ecumenical Meeting
Learn From A Nut
Indian Unimpressed

Notify The Buzzards
Sermon Like Peace ...
Really Long Sermon
Jack, It’s God!
Really Knows The Bible

Just Funny
Lady Said Pew
Pilot To Tower
Can't At Night
Shoot Them
Duck, Turkey

Run Fast
Crazy English
Duck
Funny Lines
No Way

Keep Quiet
Kiss A Mule
Loan That Mule
Praise The Lord

Just Funny 2
Slip Of The Tongue
Great To Be A Dog
You're Pitching
Cross That One
Don't ask Her

Cannibals
Why Is It?
Doctor Said
Cat Scan
Pull

I'm Married
Tough Teacher
Lucky Guess
Looking Good
Chewing Gum
Methuselah's Diet
Can't Fool With Me

Just Funny 3
Psychiatric Hotline
Blonde On Other Side
Wait For Police
Sic Him Jesus
Free Tickets

Cured Her Hiccups
Greatest Lies
Bumper Stickers
Moses And George W. Bush
Football's Contribution
You Know It's Bad

Just Funny 4
Parrot Tells All
Move the Cow
Check Bounced
Corn Bread
Next Door

Girl Kittens
Mother Knows
Dog Training
Dog Can't Read
Didn't Want Ball

Now You Tell Me
Undress
Robber And Ranger
Red-faced Mother
Same Old Story

The Destructions
Mouse Sounds
Bad Language
Why Did Chicken Cross Road

Just Funny 5
Spy Game
New Diet
Quick Thinking
Dieter's Prayer
Comfortable

Cure For It
Martin Luther
Not In The Tree
Write That Down
Some Never Learn
Pretty Concrete

Relationships
Gifts For Mother
That's Why
It's Chicken
Big Sissy
Ring Bear

Day Off
Job At 7-Up
Just Married
It's Your Deer
Third Husband

A Speaking Part
Marriage Discovery
Changed My Mind

Age Jokes
How Soon
His Turn
Seven Ages
Memories
Not My Problem

Golden Old Age
Life Of Party
Can Still Drive
Just Too Tired
Tired Of You

Poem Of Elderly

Age Jokes 2
A Surprise
Her Zip
All Widows
Young Bride
Over The Hill

Smart Parents
Who's Driving
Not On The Ark
What's Her Name?
More Getting Old

Perfect Attendance
No Peer Pressure
Couldn't Remember

Funny Bits
Guard Fired
Talk About You
So Far, So Good
Should Know
Difficult English

Gifts You Don't Like
When Speeding
Stop Or Slow Down
Murphy's Law
More Murphy's Law

Monster In The Garage
Unsuccessful Inventions
Geological Questions

Funny Bits 2
Where Are The Stones?
Blonde: Yes No Yes No
Who's Dumb
Eating Peanuts
Blonde And Patrolman

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Go To:

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A Surprise

Her Zip

All Widows

Young Bride

Over The Hill

Smart Parents

Who’s Driving

Not On The Ark

What’s Her Name

More Getting Old

Perfect Attendance

No Peer Pressure

Couldn’t Remember

What’s Her Name:
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men
asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied.
"They taught us all the latest psychological techniques:visualization, association, etc. It was great."

"That's wonderful! And what was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank.
He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.
Then a smile broke across his face and he asked,
"What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!"

He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

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Not On The Ark:
The little boy asked his grandfather if he had been in the ark with Noah.
The grandfather chuckled a little and told his grandson that he was not on the ark.
The confused grandson asked, "Then why didn't you drown, Grandpa?"

No Peer Pressure:
A lady celebrating her 102nd birthday was asked what she enjoyed most about her advanced age.

"The lack of peer pressure, "she replied.

-- Anybody who can still do at 60 what he was doing at 20 wasn't doing much at 20.

-- Man is the only creature who spends two-thirds of his lifetime saving up for old age,
   and the last third denying that it has arrived.

-- Old folks are worth a fortune, with silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys,
   lead in their feet, and gas in their stomachs.

Young Bride:
John: "How does an 80-year-old man like you get a gorgeous 25-year-old bride?"
Harry: "I told her I was 90!"

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Her Zip:
An elderly lady was filling out the registration form at a doctor's office.
After the address the form inquired about her, "ZIP."
She answered: "Not bad for my age."

“Couldn’t Remember!”:
An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house.
They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidently forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire.
So, they decided to go see their physician to get some help.

Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders.
The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice.

When they got home, the wife said, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream?
And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?"

"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"

"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget. "

"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!"

"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top.
Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget ," said the wife.

"Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband.
"No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."


With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him.
The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing
a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream.

He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs.

The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said,

" I knew you wouldn't get it right!!
Where's the toast??"

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-- They're having an age problem.
   He won't act his, and she won't tell hers.

 -- You're getting older when it takes you more time to recover than it did to tire you out.

Doctor: "You should live to be 80."
Patient: "I am 85."
Doctor: "See -- what did I tell you!"

Who’ Driving:
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car --both could barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself,
"I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again
and again they went right through.

This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red,
but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road
and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through,
and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through
three red lights in a row?
You could have killed us
!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

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New Lease:
Carlton: "I just got a new lease on life."

Bernard: "How's that?"

Carlton: "Well, you know my doctor told me I had six months to live."

Bernard: "No, I hadn't heard that."

Carlton: "Yeah. But I couldn't afford to pay his bill.
So today, he told me I have six more months
."

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-- Old age is when your computer has more memory than you.

A Surprise:
Mary, who is in the catering business was consulting with a woman about throwing a birthday party
for her 60-year-old husband.

"Is it a surprise?" Mary asked.

"Oh, no," answered the woman. "He knows he's going to be 60."

All Widows:
On a whim, he decided to take a trip around the country o look up nearly a dozen old girlfriends.
Upon his return he exclaimed, "Whew! Thank goodness I never married any of those women.
They're all widows now
!"

Smart Parents:
A man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son in New York one November day.

The father says to the son, "I hate to tell you, but we've got some troubles.
Your mother and I can't stand each other anymore, and we're getting a divorce.
I've had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace.
I'm telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn't go into shock later
when I move out
."

He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hampton and tells her the news.
The sister says, "I'll handle this."

She calls Florida and says to her father, "Don't do ANYTHING till we get there!
We'll be there Wednesday night
."

The father agrees, "All right."

He hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving.
Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas
?"

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Perfect Attendance:
A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue.
Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the rabbi went to see him.

He found him in excellent health, so the rabbi asked,
"How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

The old man looked around and lowered his voice. I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered.

"When I got to be 90 I expected God to take me any day.
But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105.
So I figured that God is very busy and must have forgotten about me ..... and I don't want to remind Him
."

-- Christiaan A. Brugman, Albemarle Road Presbyterian Church, Charlotte, NC]

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You May Be Over The Hill If…:

You keep repeating yourself. You keep repeating yourself.
Lawn care is the highlight of your summer.
You listen to "easy listening" stations on purpose.

You start videotaping daytime game shows.
You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé.
Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

You start the "Hokey Pokey" by putting your left hip out...and it stays out.
One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.
Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."

It takes you two tries to get over a parking lot speed bump.
You try to see how long your car will go instead of how fast it will go.
You begin every other sentence with, "I remember when…"

You run out of breath walking down stairs.
You look both ways before crossing a room.
You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

The waiter asks how you'd like your steak…and you say "pureed."
The candles cost more than your cake.
You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread used to cost.

Your back goes out more than you do.
You pay more today for a postage stamp than you once paid for a movie.
You see your childhood toys in a museum.

Your narrow waist and broad mind have exchanged places
You hear "snap, crackle, pop" when you're not eating cereal.
Those clothes you put away "until they come back into style"
have "come back into style."

That car you bought brand-new is now referred to as an antique.
You arrange your hair rather than comb it.
The best part of your day is over when you turn off the alarm clock.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks in the room.
You stick a compass to your car's windshield.
A friend of yours is dating someone half their age…legally!

Your arms have grown too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with elevator music.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You no longer consider a speed limit sign as a challenge.
People call you at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you?"
You enjoy wearing black socks with sandals.

Your ears grow hair better than your head.
You get into an argument about pension plans.
Your only keep cable for The Weather Channel.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even know it.

You actually get these jokes!

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More Getting Old:
You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
A man has reached old age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling,
and you didn't do anything the night before.

Old age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You're getting old when 'tying one on' means fastening your Medic-Alert bracelet.

Doctor to patient: “I have good news and bad news -- the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.”

Don't take life so seriously ... it's not permanent.
I don't date women my age. . . There aren't any. (Milton Berle)

You know you're into old age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

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Get My Hat:
While on a car trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.

After finishing their meal, the elderly woman left her glasses on the table,
but she didn't miss them until they were back on the highway.

By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.

The elderly man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant.
He called his wife every bad name he could think of.

When they finally arrived at the restaurant, and the woman got out of the car to retrieve
her glasses, the man yelled to her, "And while you're in there, you might as well get my hat, too."

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-- The seven ages of man: spills, drills, thrills, bills, ills, pills, wills.

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