Born Before 1945: We were born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, xerox, contact lenses, frisbees and the PILL. We were before radar, credit cards, split atoms, lazer beams, and ball-point pens.
Before pantyhose, dishwashers, clothes dryers, electric blankets, air conditioners, drip-dry clothes--and before man walked on the moon.
We got married first--and then lived together. How quaint can you be? In our time, closets were for clothes, not for "coming out of". Bunnies were small rabbits and rabbits were not Volkswagons.
Designer jeans were scheming girls named Jean or Jeanne; and having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with our cousins.
We thought fast food was what you ate during Lent; and Outer Space was the back of the Riviera Theatre. We were before house-husbands, gay rights, computer dating, dual careers, and computer marriages. We were before day-care centers, group therapy and nursing homes.
We never heard of FM radio,tape decks, electric typewriters, artificial hearts, word-processors, yogurt, and guys wearing earrings.
For us, time-sharing meant togetherness-- not computers or condominiums; a "chip" meant a piece of wood; hardware meant hardware, and software wasn't even a word!
In 1940, "Made in Japan" meant JUNK and the term "making out" referred to how you did on your exam. Pizzas, "MacDonald's" and instant coffee were unheard of.
We hit the scene when there were 5 cent and 10 cent stores where you bought things for five and ten cents.
You could buy ice cream cones for a nickel or a dime. For one nickel you could ride a street car, make a phone call, buy a Pepsi, or enough stamps to mail one letter and two postcards.
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600....but who could afford one? A pity, too, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.
In our day, cigarette smoking was fashionable. GRASS was mowed. COKE was a cold drink. POT was something you cooked in. ROCK MUSIC was a grandmother's lullaby and AIDS were helpers in the Principal's office.
We were certainly not before the difference between the sexes was discovered, but we were surely before the sex change; we made do with what we had. And we were the last generation that was so dumb as to think you needed a husband to have a baby.
NO WONDER WE ARE SO CONFUSED AND THERE IS SUCH A GENERATION GAP TODAY!
How Soon: Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting in that park every sunny day, for over 12 years. . .chatting, and enjoying each others' friendship.
One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, "Please don't be angry with me, dear, but I am embarrassed, after all these years . . .What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't. "
The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for two full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says, "How soon do you have to know?"
His Turn: A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them.
Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth."
Signs Youíre Getting Old: You get up to change the TV channel and decide as long as you're up, you might as well go to bed.
Your ears perk up when a laxative commercial comes on TV. You call the place you keep leftovers the "icebox." You wonder why everyone is starting to mumble.
You worry because you don't have any symptoms. You feel your corns more than you do your oats. Your actions creak louder than your words.
You know "where it's at", but forgot why it's there. You know how to spell gastroenterologist. You don't have any enemies because you've outlived them all.
You don't date women your own age, because there aren't any. You have to use tenderizer to eat all your Cream of ____ soups. You remember what you did yesterday by what hurts today. Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere. Your children are beginning to look middle-aged. Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions. You are a "17" around the neck, a "44" around the waist and a "96" around the golf course.
You find yourself giving good advice instead of setting a bad example. The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
You give your grandkids thirty-five cents for an ice cream cone, and they look at you funny. A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
By the time you've lit the last candle on your cake, the first one has burned out. You stop buying natural foods, because you need all the preservatives you can get.
Your favorite feature in the newspaper is "Twenty-five Years Ago Today." That last visit to the specialist cost you more than you earned in the first four years at work.
You go to the mall not to shop but get a free blood pressure examination.
You realize that whatever Mother Nature gave you, Father Time is starting to take away.
You finally know your way around but no longer want to go.
Can Still Drive: A group of Florida senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments. "My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee" replied another.
"It has gotten to where I cannot hear anything anymore." said one in the loudest voice of the group.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a another, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," claimed another. "I can't even remember what I'm doing half the time; if I don't make myself a note I forget what I am trying to do in the first place" chimed yet another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence... "Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."
Poem Of Elderly: A computer was something on TV From a science-fiction show of note A window was something you hated to clean And ram was the cousin of a goat. Meg was the name of my girlfriend And gig was a job for the nights Now they all mean different things And that really mega bytes.
An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account. And if you had a 3-in. floppy You hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to the fire. Hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife. Paste you did with glue. A web was a spider's home. And a virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head. I hear no one's been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead.
-- Source Unknown (Will be happy to give credit to author)
Seven Ages of Man: 6 weeks--all systems go 6 years--all systems "No!" 16 years--all systems know 26 years--all systems glow 36 years--all systems owe 56 years--all systems status quo 76 years--all systems slow
Just Too Tired: A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.
"Oh Morris", said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! How could you get lost?"
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear, Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost. I was just too tired to walk home."