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They'll Never
Right Thinking
One Liners
No Bonus
Fear Of Speed

Answer Machine
Only in America
Get Me Another Doctor
Never Got Caught
A Terrible Headache

A Pesky Customer
The Real Me
My Ancestry
Happy Christians
For The Funeral

Not Batted Yet
The Tater Family
Can't Swim, Can He?
As Good As Your Dog
He Did It On Purpose
Capital Punishment

Attitudes 2
Want Credit
Her First Jump
Feel Inadequate
Alarm Clock
Having A Baby

Why Worry?
You Did Well
Will Power
One Liners
Best Compliment

It Isn't Opportunity
Makes A Difference
Late And Law Breakers
No Special Privileges
So, Who's Crazy

Power In Numbers
Optimism Or Stupidity
Didn't Recognize You
Parachute Paradigm

Attitudes 3
Word Rules
Dance Also
Ring The Bell
Repeat That
Get With It

Too Polite
Real Self-control
Miss You
Getting Kicked
Not Hollering

Never Been Wrong
No Driver's License
Without His Wallet
Prefer Darkness
Only When It Breaks

Dangerous Assumption
Only If Kindness Fails
Didn't Know Her That Well

Only One Buying
Just Like You
Business Signs
Good And Bad
Not A Quitter

Need Imagination
Asleep On The Job
Smart Business
Management Styles
Never Give Me Work

Performance Reviews
Business Is Business
It's In The Translation
Using Copy Machine
Employment Recommendations

When Can You Start

Business 2
Wrong Location
Not A Madhouse
Ad Got Results
Fitness Program
Too Polite

Letters to Landlords
More Than Mother
He's My Friend
How To Succeed
Is It Necessary?

I'll Not Open The Store
Yes -- No -- Yes -- No
Knew What To Say
Worth Ten Dollars
Your First Worry

Management Translated
Successful Job Placement

Wife Will Want To
Minutes To Kill
What's a Lie?
Hanging Pastors
First Fight

Pastor Sick
Deacon's Call
Mother's Prayer
Missing Something
Get Rid Of Pastor

It's In Your Pockets
Narrow Baptists
No Excuse Sunday
God, If You're In There
Haven't Missed Too Much

Knew He Was Coming
Ten Little Christians
Prayer of Black Preacher
Professor Has No Brain
Three Churches In Revival
They Will Come And Get It

Religious 2
Pastoral Candidates
Bible And TV Guide
Baptize Everybody
We Need Light
Jesus Said What

Burning Bush
Attend Church
Baptized Bats
Deep And Wide
Atheist Complaint

Brother's Funeral
Church Didn't Help
What The Bible Means
Signs You Don't Know The Bible

Bible Stories Told By Children

Religious 3
Church Signs
Praise Music
Too Busy
For The Sick
Meeting Of Board

Wanted In A Pastor
Prayer of Bud Robinson
Church Members Are Like
Sunday To Be Absent
Never Heard In Church

Religious 4
God Can
Heat Is Awful
Restart Sermon

His Crowd
10 Inches Deep
Minister Forgot
Found No God
Hurt The Church

Finished Sermon
Looking For Trouble
Ecumenical Meeting
Learn From A Nut
Indian Unimpressed

Notify The Buzzards
Sermon Like Peace ...
Really Long Sermon
Jack, Itís God!
Really Knows The Bible

Just Funny
Lady Said Pew
Pilot To Tower
Can't At Night
Shoot Them
Duck, Turkey

Run Fast
Crazy English
Funny Lines
No Way

Keep Quiet
Kiss A Mule
Loan That Mule
Praise The Lord

Just Funny 2
Slip Of The Tongue
Great To Be A Dog
You're Pitching
Cross That One
Don't ask Her

Why Is It?
Doctor Said
Cat Scan

I'm Married
Tough Teacher
Lucky Guess
Looking Good
Chewing Gum
Methuselah's Diet
Can't Fool With Me

Just Funny 3
Psychiatric Hotline
Blonde On Other Side
Wait For Police
Sic Him Jesus
Free Tickets

Cured Her Hiccups
Greatest Lies
Bumper Stickers
Moses And George W. Bush
Football's Contribution
You Know It's Bad

Just Funny 4
Parrot Tells All
Move the Cow
Check Bounced
Corn Bread
Next Door

Girl Kittens
Mother Knows
Dog Training
Dog Can't Read
Didn't Want Ball

Now You Tell Me
Robber And Ranger
Red-faced Mother
Same Old Story

The Destructions
Mouse Sounds
Bad Language
Why Did Chicken Cross Road

Just Funny 5
Spy Game
New Diet
Quick Thinking
Dieter's Prayer

Cure For It
Martin Luther
Not In The Tree
Write That Down
Some Never Learn
Pretty Concrete

Gifts For Mother
That's Why
It's Chicken
Big Sissy
Ring Bear

Day Off
Job At 7-Up
Just Married
It's Your Deer
Third Husband

A Speaking Part
Marriage Discovery
Changed My Mind

Age Jokes
How Soon
His Turn
Seven Ages
Not My Problem

Golden Old Age
Life Of Party
Can Still Drive
Just Too Tired
Tired Of You

Poem Of Elderly

Age Jokes 2
A Surprise
Her Zip
All Widows
Young Bride
Over The Hill

Smart Parents
Who's Driving
Not On The Ark
What's Her Name?
More Getting Old

Perfect Attendance
No Peer Pressure
Couldn't Remember

Funny Bits
Guard Fired
Talk About You
So Far, So Good
Should Know
Difficult English

Gifts You Don't Like
When Speeding
Stop Or Slow Down
Murphy's Law
More Murphy's Law

Monster In The Garage
Unsuccessful Inventions
Geological Questions

Funny Bits 2
Where Are The Stones?
Blonde: Yes No Yes No
Who's Dumb
Eating Peanuts
Blonde And Patrolman


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Page 2

Born Before 1945

Getting Old Signs


How Soon

His Turn

Seven Ages


Not My Problem

Golden Old Age

Life Of Party

Can Still Drive

Just Too Tired

Tired Of You

Poem Of Elderly

Born Before 1945:
We were born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods,
xerox, contact lenses, frisbees and the PILL.
We were before radar, credit cards, split atoms, lazer beams, and ball-point pens.

Before pantyhose, dishwashers, clothes dryers, electric blankets,
air conditioners, drip-dry clothes--and before man walked on the moon.

We got married first--and then lived together. How quaint can you be?
In our time, closets were for clothes, not for "coming out of".
Bunnies were small rabbits and rabbits were not Volkswagons.

Designer jeans were scheming girls named Jean or Jeanne;
and having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with our cousins.

We thought fast food was what you ate during Lent; and Outer Space was the back of the Riviera Theatre.
We were before house-husbands, gay rights, computer dating, dual careers, and computer marriages.
We were before day-care centers, group therapy and nursing homes.

We never heard of FM radio,tape decks, electric typewriters, artificial hearts,
word-processors, yogurt, and guys wearing earrings.

For us, time-sharing meant togetherness-- not computers or condominiums;
a "chip" meant a piece of wood; hardware meant hardware, and software wasn't even a word!

In 1940, "Made in Japan" meant JUNK and the term "making out" referred to how you did on your exam.
Pizzas, "MacDonald's" and instant coffee were unheard of.

We hit the scene when there were 5 cent and 10 cent stores where you bought things for five and ten cents.

You could buy ice cream cones for a nickel or a dime.
For one nickel you could ride a street car, make a phone call, buy a Pepsi,
or enough stamps to mail one letter and two postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600....but who could afford one?
A pity, too, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In our day, cigarette smoking was fashionable. GRASS was mowed.
COKE was a cold drink. POT was something you cooked in.
ROCK MUSIC was a grandmother's lullaby and
AIDS were helpers in the Principal's office.

We were certainly not before the difference between the sexes was discovered,
but we were surely before the sex change; we made do with what we had.
And we were the last generation that was so dumb as to think
you needed a husband to have a baby.


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Not My Problem:
Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.

One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator
and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs
and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down

The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood,"
as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them: "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

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One Sunday morning, the minister told the congregation that he was going to say a series of words,
and he wanted them to sing the song that came to mind, when he said each word.

The first word he said was "rock".
They immediately started singing "Rock of Ages".

The second word he said was "blood", and they sang "Power in the Blood".
The third word was "cross", and they began singing "The Old Rugged Cross".

The fourth word he said was "sex".
Everyone gasped, and then it got very quiet.

Way in the back of the church, an 87-year-old lady stood up and started singing.... "Memories".

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How Soon:
Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami.
They had been meeting in that park every sunny day, for over 12 years. . .chatting,
and enjoying each others' friendship.

One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, "Please don't be angry with me, dear,
but I am embarrassed, after all these years . . .What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't
. "

The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for two full minutes,
and finally with tearful eyes, says, "How soon do you have to know?"

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His Turn:
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's.
He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup.
As he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries,
one for him, one for her, until each had half of them.

Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife.
The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them
so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been
and will always be shared, 50/50

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth."

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Golden Old Age:
"How do I know that my youth's all spent?
Well, my get up and go has got up and went.
But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin
When I recall where my get up has been.

Old age is golden, so I've heard it said,
But sometimes I wonder, when I get into bed.
My years in a drawer and tea in a cup,
My eyes on the table until I wake up.

The sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself --
'Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?'
And I am happy to say as I close my door,
My friends are the same, perhaps even more.

When I was young, my slippers were red,
I could kick of my heels right over my head,
When I grew older my slippers were blue,
But still I could dance the whole night through.

Now I am old, my slippers are black.
I walked to the store and puff my way back;
The reason I know my youth is all spent,
My get up and go has got up and went.

But I really don't mind, when I think with a grin
Of all the grand places my get up has been.
Since I have retired from life's competition,
I busy myself with complete repetition.

I get up each morning, dust off my wits,
Pick up my paper, and read the "Obits,"
If my name is missing, I know I'm not dead.

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Tired Of You:
A golden anniversary party was thrown for an elderly couple.
The husband was moved by the occasion and wanted to tell his wife just how he felt about her.

She was very hard of hearing, however, and often misunderstood what he said.

With many family members and friends gathered around, he toasted her:
"My dear wife, after fifty years I've found you tried and true!"

Everyone smiled approval, but his wife said, "Eh?"

His wife harumped and shot back, "Well, let me tell you something--after fifty years I'm tired of you, too!"

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Signs Youíre Getting Old:
You get up to change the TV channel and decide as long as you're up, you might as well go to bed.

Your ears perk up when a laxative commercial comes on TV.
You call the place you keep leftovers the "icebox."
You wonder why everyone is starting to mumble.

You worry because you don't have any symptoms.
You feel your corns more than you do your oats.
Your actions creak louder than your words.

You know "where it's at", but forgot why it's there.
You know how to spell gastroenterologist.
You don't have any enemies because you've outlived them all.

You don't date women your own age, because there aren't any.
You have to use tenderizer to eat all your Cream of ____ soups.
You remember what you did yesterday by what hurts today.
Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
You are a "17" around the neck, a "44" around the waist and a "96" around
the golf course.

You find yourself giving good advice instead of setting a bad example.
The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.

You give your grandkids thirty-five cents for an ice cream cone, and they look at you funny.
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.

By the time you've lit the last candle on your cake, the first one has burned out.
You stop buying natural foods, because you need all the preservatives you can get.

Your favorite feature in the newspaper is "Twenty-five Years Ago Today."
That last visit to the specialist cost you more than you earned in the first four years at work.

You go to the mall not to shop but get a free blood pressure examination.

You realize that whatever Mother Nature gave you, Father Time is starting to take away.

You finally know your way around but no longer want to go.

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Life Of Party:
I'm the life of the party ... even when it lasts until 8 PM.

I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.

I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, antacid...
I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.

I'm very good at telling stories ... over and over and over and over.
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine..

I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.
I'm in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA'S, HMOís, and AARP.

I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
I'm supporting all movements now ... by eating bran, prunes, and raisins.

I'm a walking storeroom of facts ... I've just lost the storeroom.
I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!

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Can Still Drive:
A group of Florida senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments.
"My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee" replied another.

"It has gotten to where I cannot hear anything anymore." said one in the loudest voice of the group.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a another, to which
several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," claimed another.
"I can't even remember what I'm doing half the time; if I don't make myself a note
I forget what I am trying to do in the first place" chimed yet another

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head.

Then there was a short moment of silence...
"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."

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Poem Of Elderly:
A computer was something on TV
From a science-fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account.
And if you had a 3-in. floppy
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire.
Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife.
Paste you did with glue.
A web was a spider's home.
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head.
I hear no one's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.

-- Source Unknown (Will be happy to give credit to author)

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Seven Ages of Man:
6 weeks--all systems go
6 years--all systems "No!"
16 years--all systems know
26 years--all systems glow
36 years--all systems owe
56 years--all systems status quo
76 years--all systems slow

-- R.M. Cornelius in The Rotarian

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Just Too Tired:
A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out.
The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park
and couldn't find his way home.

"Oh Morris", said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years!
How could you get lost

Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear, Morris whispered,
"I wasn't lost. I was just too tired to walk home."

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