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Attitudes
They'll Never
Right Thinking
One Liners
No Bonus
Fear Of Speed

Answer Machine
Only in America
Get Me Another Doctor
Never Got Caught
A Terrible Headache

A Pesky Customer
The Real Me
My Ancestry
Happy Christians
For The Funeral

Not Batted Yet
The Tater Family
Can't Swim, Can He?
As Good As Your Dog
He Did It On Purpose
Capital Punishment

Attitudes 2
Want Credit
Her First Jump
Feel Inadequate
Alarm Clock
Having A Baby

Why Worry?
You Did Well
Will Power
One Liners
Best Compliment

It Isn't Opportunity
Makes A Difference
Late And Law Breakers
No Special Privileges
So, Who's Crazy

Power In Numbers
Optimism Or Stupidity
Didn't Recognize You
Parachute Paradigm

Attitudes 3
Word Rules
Dance Also
Ring The Bell
Repeat That
Get With It

Too Polite
Real Self-control
Miss You
Getting Kicked
Not Hollering

Never Been Wrong
No Driver's License
Without His Wallet
Prefer Darkness
Only When It Breaks

Dangerous Assumption
Only If Kindness Fails
Didn't Know Her That Well

Business
Only One Buying
Just Like You
Business Signs
Good And Bad
Not A Quitter

Need Imagination
Asleep On The Job
Smart Business
Management Styles
Never Give Me Work

Performance Reviews
Business Is Business
It's In The Translation
Using Copy Machine
Employment Recommendations

When Can You Start

Business 2
Wrong Location
Not A Madhouse
Ad Got Results
Fitness Program
Too Polite

Letters to Landlords
More Than Mother
He's My Friend
How To Succeed
Is It Necessary?

I'll Not Open The Store
Yes -- No -- Yes -- No
Knew What To Say
Worth Ten Dollars
Your First Worry

Management Translated
Successful Job Placement

Religious
Wife Will Want To
Minutes To Kill
What's a Lie?
Hanging Pastors
First Fight

Pastor Sick
Deacon's Call
Mother's Prayer
Missing Something
Get Rid Of Pastor

It's In Your Pockets
Narrow Baptists
No Excuse Sunday
God, If You're In There
Haven't Missed Too Much

Knew He Was Coming
Ten Little Christians
Prayer of Black Preacher
Professor Has No Brain
Three Churches In Revival
They Will Come And Get It

Religious 2
Pastoral Candidates
Bible And TV Guide
Baptize Everybody
We Need Light
Jesus Said What

Burning Bush
Attend Church
Baptized Bats
Deep And Wide
Atheist Complaint

Brother's Funeral
Church Didn't Help
Extermination
What The Bible Means
Signs You Don't Know The Bible

Bible Stories Told By Children

Religious 3
Church Signs
Praise Music
Too Busy
For The Sick
Meeting Of Board

Wanted In A Pastor
Prayer of Bud Robinson
Church Members Are Like
Sunday To Be Absent
Never Heard In Church

Religious 4
Momentum
God Can
Phenomenon
Heat Is Awful
Restart Sermon

His Crowd
10 Inches Deep
Minister Forgot
Found No God
Hurt The Church

Finished Sermon
Looking For Trouble
Ecumenical Meeting
Learn From A Nut
Indian Unimpressed

Notify The Buzzards
Sermon Like Peace ...
Really Long Sermon
Jack, It’s God!
Really Knows The Bible

Just Funny
Lady Said Pew
Pilot To Tower
Can't At Night
Shoot Them
Duck, Turkey

Run Fast
Crazy English
Duck
Funny Lines
No Way

Keep Quiet
Kiss A Mule
Loan That Mule
Praise The Lord

Just Funny 2
Slip Of The Tongue
Great To Be A Dog
You're Pitching
Cross That One
Don't ask Her

Cannibals
Why Is It?
Doctor Said
Cat Scan
Pull

I'm Married
Tough Teacher
Lucky Guess
Looking Good
Chewing Gum
Methuselah's Diet
Can't Fool With Me

Just Funny 3
Psychiatric Hotline
Blonde On Other Side
Wait For Police
Sic Him Jesus
Free Tickets

Cured Her Hiccups
Greatest Lies
Bumper Stickers
Moses And George W. Bush
Football's Contribution
You Know It's Bad

Just Funny 4
Parrot Tells All
Move the Cow
Check Bounced
Corn Bread
Next Door

Girl Kittens
Mother Knows
Dog Training
Dog Can't Read
Didn't Want Ball

Now You Tell Me
Undress
Robber And Ranger
Red-faced Mother
Same Old Story

The Destructions
Mouse Sounds
Bad Language
Why Did Chicken Cross Road

Just Funny 5
Spy Game
New Diet
Quick Thinking
Dieter's Prayer
Comfortable

Cure For It
Martin Luther
Not In The Tree
Write That Down
Some Never Learn
Pretty Concrete

Relationships
Gifts For Mother
That's Why
It's Chicken
Big Sissy
Ring Bear

Day Off
Job At 7-Up
Just Married
It's Your Deer
Third Husband

A Speaking Part
Marriage Discovery
Changed My Mind

Age Jokes
How Soon
His Turn
Seven Ages
Memories
Not My Problem

Golden Old Age
Life Of Party
Can Still Drive
Just Too Tired
Tired Of You

Poem Of Elderly

Age Jokes 2
A Surprise
Her Zip
All Widows
Young Bride
Over The Hill

Smart Parents
Who's Driving
Not On The Ark
What's Her Name?
More Getting Old

Perfect Attendance
No Peer Pressure
Couldn't Remember

Funny Bits
Guard Fired
Talk About You
So Far, So Good
Should Know
Difficult English

Gifts You Don't Like
When Speeding
Stop Or Slow Down
Murphy's Law
More Murphy's Law

Monster In The Garage
Unsuccessful Inventions
Geological Questions

Funny Bits 2
Where Are The Stones?
Blonde: Yes No Yes No
Who's Dumb
Eating Peanuts
Blonde And Patrolman

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Lady Said Pew

Pilot To Tower

Can’t At Night

Shoot Them

Duck, Turkey

Run Fast

Crazy English

Duck

Funny Lines

No Way

Keep Quiet

Kiss A Mule

Loan That Mule

Praise The Lord

Lady Said Pew:
A cowboy went to church for the first time in his life.
He enthusiastically told a friend about his church experience.
He recalled, " I rode up on my horse and tied him up by a tree in the corral."

The friend said, " You don't mean 'corral'; you mean 'parking lot.' "

" I don't know, maybe that is what they called it," he said.
Then I went in through the main gate."

" You don't mean the main gate; you mean the front door of the church."

"Well, anyway, a couple of fellows took me down the long chute."

"You don't mean the long chute; you mean the center aisle."

"I guess that is what they call it.
Then, they put me in one of those little box stalls
!"

"You don't mean a box stall; you mean a pew!"

"Oh yes! Now I remember!" said the cowboy.
" That's what that lady said when I sat down beside her!"

Duck, Turkey:
A man on a scaffold was painting the building when he dropped his paintbrush.
As he leaned over the rail to watch his paintbrush fall,
he yelled, "Quack, quack, gobble, gobble."

A man walking below was hit by the brush.

"Why didn't you warn me?" the man screamed at the painter.

"I did," the painter replied.

I yelled, "Quack, quack, gobble, gobble."

"What does that mean?" the man answered angrily.

"Duck, turkey!"

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Duck:
A Sunday school teacher told his class the story of David and Goliath.
He embellished the story with many gestures concluding with all the details
of how little David killed the giant Goliath with a rock from his sling.

At the end of the story he asked the class what lesson they had learned.
One of the little boys popped up and answered, "Duck!"

Praise The Lord:
Many years ago a country preacher bought a horse.
The dealer told him that he had made a perfect selection because the horse was raised
in a religious atmosphere.

The dealer said, "To make him start, you have to say, "Praise the Lord!"
To make him stop you have to say, "Amen!"
He will not start if you say "Giddup!"
He will not stop if you say "Whoa!"

The preacher paid for the horse, mounted him and said,
"Praise the Lord!" and the horse galloped off.

After a couple of miles, a jack rabbit darted in front of them and spooked the horse.
The horse took off in a furious gallop across an open field heading straight toward
a cliff with a 200 foot drop.

In such a panic, the preacher forgot his instructions.
He kept yelling, "Whoa!"

But the horse kept on galloping toward the cliff.
Finally, at the very last second, the preacher remembered. "Amen!' he shouted.

The horse stopped at the very edge of the cliff escaping certain death.
"Whew!" the grateful preacher said, "Praise the Lord!"

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Funny Lines:
4-H Girls Win Prizes For Fat Calves

Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half

Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers

Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says

Casey Stengel was once being heckled by a woman in the stands.
She shouted out, "Stengel, if I were married to you, I would feed you poison!"

Stengel yelled back, "And if I were married to you, I would take take it".

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Pilot To Tower:
Pilot: "Pilot to tower... we're 400 miles from land, 800 feet high over the ocean
and running out of fuel ...please instruct.
"

Tower: "Tower to pilot..tower to pilot...repeat after me... `Our Father, who art in heaven..."

Run Fast:
On a summer vacation a boy from New York City was hiking at night in the Rocky Mountain National Park.

He asked the guide, "Is it true that a grizzly bear won't attack you if you're carrying a flashlight?"

"That depends," the guide answered, "On how fast you're carrying it."

Loan That Mule:
A newly wed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded
an inspection of the place.
The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping
that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship.
All to no avail, and she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes,
offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule
suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

It was a shock to all no matter of their feelings toward her demanding ways.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks
as they walked by.

The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer,
he would nod his head yes and say something.
Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no,
and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what this was all about.

The farmer replied, "The women would say, ‘what a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head
and say ‘Yes, it was
.'"

The men would then asked, "Can I borrow that mule?"

And I would shake my head and say, "Can't, it's all booked up for a year."

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Keep Quiet:
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain..."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say...,"

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's
at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.
"

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

No Way:
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.
He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.
Then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm,
came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered.
The crashing percussion continued day after day,

Finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way
down the street.

Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun.
I like to see you express your exuberance like that.
Used to do the same thing when I was your age.
Will you do me a favor?

I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around
every day and do your thing
."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.

"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them.
"From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued
their afternoon ruckus.
A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able
to give you more than 25 cents.
Will that be okay?
"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed.

"If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts!
No way, mister! We quit
!”

The very wise man ejoyed his peace and quiet after that.

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Can’t At Night:
A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer fifty dollars
to pull him out with his tractor.
After he was back on dry ground he said to the farmer,
"At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day."

"Can't," replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."

Shoot Them:
A man dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The man says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid," answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid," said the man.

The maid says, "I was hired this morning by the lady of the house."

He then says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

The woman replied, "She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband."

The guy is fuming!
He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"

She says, "What will I have to do?"

The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk,
and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with
."

The maid puts down the phone.
The man hears footsteps and then, two gun shots.
Returning to the phone, the maid says,
"What do I do with the bodies?"

The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."

Puzzled, the maid answers, "But we don't have a pool."

A long pause and the man says, "Is this 555-2121?"

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Crazy English:
Let's face it--English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England nor French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted.

But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, two geese. So, one moose, two meese?
One index, two indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend,
that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?
And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race
(which, of course, isn't a race at all).
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

-- Author Unknown

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Kiss A Mule:
A young, cocky cowboy was riding his horse one day when he saw a hunched-over old farm hand on a mule.
Deciding to have a little fun the young cowboy drew his 6 shooter and told the old man
to get down off his mule.

He then asked the old man "If he had ever danced", and began to empty his revolver at his feet
with great laughter.

The old man slowly turned back to his mule (unamused ) and put his hand into his pack
and pulled out a shotgun and aimed it at the now bulletless young cowboy.
Then, he said "Did you ever kiss a mule?"

To which the young cowboy said with fear in his voice, "No but I have always wanted to!"

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