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They’ll Never:
Negative Thinking is the attitude of the of the old farmer who walked down
to the train station to see their first train.
When the farmer saw how large and heavy the engine was, he said,
“They’ll never get that thing to move!”
In a few minutes the engineer boarded the train,
and the train started moving down the track.
The old farmer looked at his wife and said,
“I'll tell you one thing. They’ll never get it stopped.”
This man had made up his mind to be negative.
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Right Thinking:
One evening on the way home from his office, Matthew Henry was robbed.
Before going to bed, he wrote in his diary, "Let me be thankful:
First, because I was never robbed before.
Second, because although they took my purse, they did not take my life.
Third, because although they took my all, it was not much.
And fourth, because it was I who was robbed, not I who robbed."
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One Liners:
“Stressed” spelled backwards is “desserts.”
No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
As I said before, I never repeat myself!
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
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IF...You Can Be As Good As Your Dog:
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out
on you when, though no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him/her,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice
against creed, color, religion, gender preference, or politics,
THEN, you have ALMOST reached the same level of development as your dog.
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Can’t Swim, Can He?
There is a story about a farmer who was continually optimistic
and seldom discouraged.
He had a neighbor who was just the opposite.
Moody and gloomy, he faced each new morning with a heavy sigh.
The happy, optimistic farmer would see the sun coming up and shout
over the roar of his tractor, " Look at that beautiful sun and clear sky!"
With a frown, the negativeneighbor would reply,
"Yeah! It'll probably scorch the crops!"
When the clouds would gather and a much-needed rain would start to fall,
our positivefarmer would smile across the fence, "Isn't this great!
God is giving our corn a drink today!"
Again, the samenegativeresponse, "Oh! But if it doesn't stop before long,
it'll flood and wash everything away."
One day the optimisticfarmer decided to put his pessimistic neighbor to the test.
He bought the smartest, the most expensive bird dog he could find.
He trained him to do things no other dog could do.
Then, he invited the pessimistic neighbor to go duck hunting with him.
They sat in the boat, hidden in the duck blind, and the ducks started flying in.
Both men fired their guns and several ducks fell into the water.
"Go, and get them!" Ordered the dog's owner.
The dog leaped out of the boat, walked on the water,
and picked up the birds one by one.
"Well, what do you think of that?" The pessimists said. "He can't swim, can he?"
Some people are defeated by their attitudes before the race is ever started.
Others will never be defeated for the same reason.
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Get Me Another Doctor:
There was an old man in the hospital who was dying.
The family was called to the hospital for the final hours.
The family doctor was called to examine the old gentleman and give him his prognosis.
Not one member of the family was willing to tell the old gentleman that he had
only a short while to live, but they did ask if he had a final request.
In a whisper the old fellow answered, "Yes, get me another doctor."
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He Did It On Purpose:
A farmer was taking a physical examination for life insurance
and the doctor asked him if he had ever had a serious accident.
“No."
"Ever had any accident?"
"No."
"Never had a single accident in your life?"
The doctor asked in surprise.
"Can't say as I have.
But last spring when I was out in the pasture, a bull tossed me over the fence."
"Don't you call that an accident?" The doctor persisted.
"Nope," answered the farmer. "I'm sure that bull did it on purpose."
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Capital Punishment:
Mrs. Crumps was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because
she didn’t believe in capital punishment, and didn’t want her personal thoughts
to prevent the trial from running its proper course.
But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm,
and tried to convince her that it was appropriate for her to serve on the jury.
“Madam,’ he explained, “this is not a murder trial! It’s a simple civil lawsuit.
A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away
the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday.”
“Well, okay,” agreed Mrs. Crumps, “I’ll serve.
I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all.”
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Only In America:
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway
and leave useless junk in the garage...
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting
so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
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Fear of Speed:
In 1829, Martin Van Buren, then governor of New York, wrote the following to the president:
"The canal system of this country is being threatened by the spread
of a new form oftransportation known as 'railroads.'
The federal government must preserve our canals for these reasons:
If canal boats are supplanted by railroads, serious unemployment will result.
Captains, cooks, drivers, hostlers, repairmen and lock tenders will be left
without any means of livelihood.
Canal boats are essential to our defense.
In the event of trouble with England, the Erie Canal could be the only means
by which we could move supplies ...
The Almighty certainly never intended that people should travel through
the countryside at the breakneck speed of 15 miles per hour."
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A Terrible Headache:
A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining
about a bump on his head and a terrible headache.
Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason
why he should be complaining of a headache.
Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering
from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it.
The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing.
He really does have a bump on his head.
About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic."
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It’s For The Funeral:
An elderly man was at home, dying in bed.
He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking.
He wanted one last cookie before he died.
He fellout of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs,
and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.
With waning strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able
to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.
As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind,
his wifesuddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.
"Why?" he whispered. "Why did you do that?"
"They're for the funeral!" she replied
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No Bonus:
The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session
when a large turkey came strutting onto the field.
While the players gazed in amazement,
the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.
Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass
and ran right through the defensive line.
When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted,
"You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season,
and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."
"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is,
does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"
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Never Got Caught:
An applicant was filling out a job application.
When he came to the question,
"Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative
to the previous question, was "Why?"
The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
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A Pesty Customer:
A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant;
first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was
too hot,then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold,
and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, walking back and forth
and never once getting angry.
So finally, a second customer asked why didn't they just throw out the pest.
"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile.
"We don't even have an air conditioner."
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Happy Christians:
It is very difficult to determine whether someone is happy.
Erma Bombeck has pinpointed the reason.
She says, "We sing 'make a joyful noise unto the Lord"
while our faces reflect the sadness of one who just buried a rich aunt
who left everything to her pregnant hamster."
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Not Batted Yet:
As a pastor was driving home from work one day, he stopped to watch
a local Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near his home.
As he sat down behind the bench on the first-baseline,
he asked one of the boys what the score was.
"We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a smile.
"Really," he said. "I have to say you don't look very discouraged."
“Discouraged?" the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face.
"Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet."
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An Answer Machine:
Hello, you are talking to a machine.
I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean.
They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken.
If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
Hi! John's answering machine is broken.
This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly,
and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hi. Now you say something.
Hi. This is John If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now
and can't come to the phone.
Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
Leave a beep after the message
This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device.
After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling,
and I'll think about returning your call.
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The Real Me:
A woman who was out in the yard working when a moving van pulled up next door.
She walked over to welcome the newcomers to the neighborhood
wearing her dirty work clothes.
The following week, the new neighbors invited her and her husband to a house- warming party.
The woman wanted to make a better impression this time.
She colored her hair, struggled into a girdle, painted her lips, applied eye shadow
and false eyelashes, painted her fingernails, and popped in her contact lenses.
She admired herself in the mirror and said to her husband,
"Well, tonight they are going to see the real me!"
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My Ancestry:
"My ancestry goes all the way back to Alexander the Great," said one lady.
She then turned to a second lady and said, "And how far does your family go back?"
"I don't know," was the reply. "All of our records were lost in Noah's Flood."
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The Tater Family
"Some People Are Like Potatoes":
Some people are very bossy and like to tell everyone what to do,
but of course they do not wish to soil their hands.
You might call that type "Dick Tator."
Some people never seem to be motivated to articipate.
They are content to watch while others do.
They are "Speck Tators."
Some people never do anything to help,
but they are gifted at finding fault with the way others do things.
They might be called "Comment Taters."
Some people are always looking for ways to cause problems.
They look or others to agree with them.
You call them "Aggie Taters."
Then there are those who always say they will,
but somehow never get around to doing anything.
They are "Hezzie Taters."
Some people put on a front and act like they are someone they are not.
They are "Emma Taters."
Still, there are those who live what they talk.
They are always prepared to stop what they are doing to lend a hand.
They bring real sunshine into others' lives.
You might call them "Sweet Taters."
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