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They'll Never
Right Thinking
One Liners
No Bonus
Fear Of Speed

Answer Machine
Only in America
Get Me Another Doctor
Never Got Caught
A Terrible Headache

A Pesky Customer
The Real Me
My Ancestry
Happy Christians
For The Funeral

Not Batted Yet
The Tater Family
Can't Swim, Can He?
As Good As Your Dog
He Did It On Purpose
Capital Punishment

Attitudes 2
Want Credit
Her First Jump
Feel Inadequate
Alarm Clock
Having A Baby

Why Worry?
You Did Well
Will Power
One Liners
Best Compliment

It Isn't Opportunity
Makes A Difference
Late And Law Breakers
No Special Privileges
So, Who's Crazy

Power In Numbers
Optimism Or Stupidity
Didn't Recognize You
Parachute Paradigm

Attitudes 3
Word Rules
Dance Also
Ring The Bell
Repeat That
Get With It

Too Polite
Real Self-control
Miss You
Getting Kicked
Not Hollering

Never Been Wrong
No Driver's License
Without His Wallet
Prefer Darkness
Only When It Breaks

Dangerous Assumption
Only If Kindness Fails
Didn't Know Her That Well

Only One Buying
Just Like You
Business Signs
Good And Bad
Not A Quitter

Need Imagination
Asleep On The Job
Smart Business
Management Styles
Never Give Me Work

Performance Reviews
Business Is Business
It's In The Translation
Using Copy Machine
Employment Recommendations

When Can You Start

Business 2
Wrong Location
Not A Madhouse
Ad Got Results
Fitness Program
Too Polite

Letters to Landlords
More Than Mother
He's My Friend
How To Succeed
Is It Necessary?

I'll Not Open The Store
Yes -- No -- Yes -- No
Knew What To Say
Worth Ten Dollars
Your First Worry

Management Translated
Successful Job Placement

Wife Will Want To
Minutes To Kill
What's a Lie?
Hanging Pastors
First Fight

Pastor Sick
Deacon's Call
Mother's Prayer
Missing Something
Get Rid Of Pastor

It's In Your Pockets
Narrow Baptists
No Excuse Sunday
God, If You're In There
Haven't Missed Too Much

Knew He Was Coming
Ten Little Christians
Prayer of Black Preacher
Professor Has No Brain
Three Churches In Revival
They Will Come And Get It

Religious 2
Pastoral Candidates
Bible And TV Guide
Baptize Everybody
We Need Light
Jesus Said What

Burning Bush
Attend Church
Baptized Bats
Deep And Wide
Atheist Complaint

Brother's Funeral
Church Didn't Help
What The Bible Means
Signs You Don't Know The Bible

Bible Stories Told By Children

Religious 3
Church Signs
Praise Music
Too Busy
For The Sick
Meeting Of Board

Wanted In A Pastor
Prayer of Bud Robinson
Church Members Are Like
Sunday To Be Absent
Never Heard In Church

Religious 4
God Can
Heat Is Awful
Restart Sermon

His Crowd
10 Inches Deep
Minister Forgot
Found No God
Hurt The Church

Finished Sermon
Looking For Trouble
Ecumenical Meeting
Learn From A Nut
Indian Unimpressed

Notify The Buzzards
Sermon Like Peace ...
Really Long Sermon
Jack, It’s God!
Really Knows The Bible

Just Funny
Lady Said Pew
Pilot To Tower
Can't At Night
Shoot Them
Duck, Turkey

Run Fast
Crazy English
Funny Lines
No Way

Keep Quiet
Kiss A Mule
Loan That Mule
Praise The Lord

Just Funny 2
Slip Of The Tongue
Great To Be A Dog
You're Pitching
Cross That One
Don't ask Her

Why Is It?
Doctor Said
Cat Scan

I'm Married
Tough Teacher
Lucky Guess
Looking Good
Chewing Gum
Methuselah's Diet
Can't Fool With Me

Just Funny 3
Psychiatric Hotline
Blonde On Other Side
Wait For Police
Sic Him Jesus
Free Tickets

Cured Her Hiccups
Greatest Lies
Bumper Stickers
Moses And George W. Bush
Football's Contribution
You Know It's Bad

Just Funny 4
Parrot Tells All
Move the Cow
Check Bounced
Corn Bread
Next Door

Girl Kittens
Mother Knows
Dog Training
Dog Can't Read
Didn't Want Ball

Now You Tell Me
Robber And Ranger
Red-faced Mother
Same Old Story

The Destructions
Mouse Sounds
Bad Language
Why Did Chicken Cross Road

Just Funny 5
Spy Game
New Diet
Quick Thinking
Dieter's Prayer

Cure For It
Martin Luther
Not In The Tree
Write That Down
Some Never Learn
Pretty Concrete

Gifts For Mother
That's Why
It's Chicken
Big Sissy
Ring Bear

Day Off
Job At 7-Up
Just Married
It's Your Deer
Third Husband

A Speaking Part
Marriage Discovery
Changed My Mind

Age Jokes
How Soon
His Turn
Seven Ages
Not My Problem

Golden Old Age
Life Of Party
Can Still Drive
Just Too Tired
Tired Of You

Poem Of Elderly

Age Jokes 2
A Surprise
Her Zip
All Widows
Young Bride
Over The Hill

Smart Parents
Who's Driving
Not On The Ark
What's Her Name?
More Getting Old

Perfect Attendance
No Peer Pressure
Couldn't Remember

Funny Bits
Guard Fired
Talk About You
So Far, So Good
Should Know
Difficult English

Gifts You Don't Like
When Speeding
Stop Or Slow Down
Murphy's Law
More Murphy's Law

Monster In The Garage
Unsuccessful Inventions
Geological Questions

Funny Bits 2
Where Are The Stones?
Blonde: Yes No Yes No
Who's Dumb
Eating Peanuts
Blonde And Patrolman

face07 welcomeimprovedhum

A truck driver for a florist truck stopped at a roadside diner.
His waitress brought him a hamburger, a cup of coffee and a piece of pie.
As the trucker was about to start eating, three men in leather jackets pull up on motorcycles
and came inside.

One grabbed the man's hamburger, the second man drank his coffee and the other one took his pie.

The truck driver didn't say a word.
He got up, put on his jacket, paid the cashier and left.

One of the bikers said to the cashier, "Not much of a man, is he?"

"He's not much of a driver either," she replied.
"He just ran his truck over three motorcycles."

Sophie and Daphne were two elderly widows in Florida.
They were curious about the latest arrival in their apartment complex.
He was a quiet, distinguished gentleman who seem to believe in keeping to himself.

One day, Daphne said: “Sophie, you know I'm shy.
Why don't you catch him at the pool, and find out a little more about him. He looks so lonely

So Sophie went over to talk to the man while he was sitting beside the pool.
She said: "My friend and I were wondering why you look so lonely.”

He answered, "Of course, I'm lonely. I've spent the past 20 years in prison."
She asked, "Oh -- why?"

He said, "I strangled my third wife."
Then she asked, "Oh, what happen to your second wife?"
He said, "I shot her."

Then she asked, "And what about your first wife?"
He answered, "We got into a fight, and I threw her off the rooftop of a hotel."

Sophne said, "Oh, my."

Then Sophne turned to her friend on the other side of the pool and called out to her:
"Yoo hoo, Daphne? It's OK. He's single!"

A woman went to a lawyer to asked about a divorce.
The lawyer asked, "Madam, what grounds do you have?"
She answered, "About six acres."

The lawyer responded, "No, I don't think you quite understand.
Let me rephrase the question.  Do you have a grudge

The lady said, "No, just a parking space."

The lawyer said, "I'll try again. Does your husband beat you up?"
The lady answered, " No, I always get up at least an hour before he does."

The lawyer could see that he was fighting a losing battle,
"Madam, are you sure you want a divorce?"

She answered, "
I'm not the one who wants a divorce.
My husband does. He claims we don't communicate."

It was his first tour of guard duty and the young recruit was a bit nervous.
His orders were to admit only those cars which had a special windshield sticker.
|As luck would have it, one of the first cars he stopped at the gate was a chauffeur-driven
staff car with a high-ranking officer in the back seat and no sticker on the windshield.

The officer instructed the driver, "Drive right on in."
The recruit said meekly, "I'm sorry sir, but since your car has no sticker, I cannot let you pass."

Again, the officer instructed the driver, "I said drive on in."

The recruit said quietly, "
Begging your pardon, sir, but I'm new at this.
Who do I shoot, you or the driver?"

A farmer killed a pig, and hung it up for the night.
He intended to butcher it in the morning, but the next day it was gone.
He didn't tell anyone about it, and nothing happened for more than two months.

Then another farmer, who lived down the road, came by and said:
"By the way, Josh, did you ever find out who stole your pig?"

"Nope," said Josh.  "Not till just now."

What Famous Mothers May Have Said!

Mona Lisa's Mother:
"After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile
you can give us.

Humpty Dumpty's Mother:
"Humpty, if I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall.
But would you listen to me?  Noooo

Babe Ruth's Mother:
"Babe, how many times have I told you -- quit playing ball in the house.
That's the third broken window this week!

Michelangelo's Mother:
"Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?

Abraham Lincoln's Mother:
"Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe?
Why can’t you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?

Mary's Mother:
"I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school.
But I would like to know how he got a better grade than you.

Batman's Mother:
"It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?"

Goldilock's Mother:
"I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family.
You know anything about this, Goldie

Paul Revere's Mother:
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man.
Midnight is passed your curfew!

Jonah's Mother:
"That's a nice story, but now tell me where you really been for the last three days."

Edison's Mother:
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas.
Now turn off that light and get to bed

Back to Top

Two businessmen were comparing notes.
The first man asked, "Is your advertising getting results?"

"It sure is!" Groaned his companion.
"Last week, we advertised for a night watchman -- and the next night we got robbed."

A man from London took a business trip to the orient.
In Taipei at a Chamber of Commerce luncheon, he was asked to say a few words.
Almost none of his audience could understand English,
and he could not speak a word of Chinese.

So his words were interpreted by a translator -- sentence by sentence.
He began, "Well, I just want all you fellows to know that I am tickled to death to be here."

A look of agony appeared on the interpreter's face.
In halting Chinese, the interpreter said, "This poor man scratches himself until he dies,
only to be with you

Things My Mother Taught Me

My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done:
"If you going to kill each other, do it outside, I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me religion:
"You'd better pray that will come out of the carpet!"

My mother taught me logic:
"Because I say so, that's why."

My mother taught me foresight:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me up about stamina:
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about hypocrisy:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate."

Back to Top

A man ready to check out of his hotel room asked the manager,
"What's this daily charge for "fruit?
We didn't eat any fruit

But the manager said, "But the fruit was placed in your room every day.
It’ not our fault that you didn't take advantage of it.

"I see," said the man as he subtracted $150 from the bill.
The manager sputtered, "What are you doing?"

The man said, "I'm subtracting $50.00 a day for you for kissing my wife."
"What? I didn't kiss your wife."

"Ah," replied the man, "but she was there."

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband,
"I bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door on his way to work.

At 10:00 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the wife opened the door, she was handed a box
containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses.

At 1:00 PM, a foil-wrapped, 2 pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived.
Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn't wait for a husband to come home.
She said as he came in the door, "First the flowers, then the candy and then the dress!"

She exclaimed, "I've never spent a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life."

Back to Top

During my weekly visit to the beauty salon, the conversation in the shop turned
to how men and women were beginning a courtship and marrying soon after a spouse died
instead of waiting a year or two as was the custom.

"I know exactly what my husband will do after I die," one woman said.
"He will marry the first woman who brings him a pan of cornbread."

All was quiet for a moment; then one of the beauticians turn to the woman and asked,
"Does he like butter on it."

The following are genuine comments on accident insurance claims forms:
An invisible car came from nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
The telephone pole was approaching.  I was attempting to swerve out of its way
when it struck my front end.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother in law and headed
over the embankment.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel, and had an accident.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car -- I was sure the old fellow
would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

Back to Top

Telltale signs that you're getting old:
You stoop to tie your shoes, and wonder what else you can do while you are down there
Everything hurts, what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
You can remember when everything was just grassy fields.

You get out of breath playing chess.
You keep in touch with friends through the obituary column.
Whenever you fall asleep, people worry that your are dead.
Your knees buckle, but your belt doesn’t.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You have a party, and the neighbors don't even realize it.

Divine Advice

A businessman was in a great deal of trouble.
His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business,
he owed everybody -- it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide.
As a last resort he went to a pastor and poured out his story of tears and woe.
When he had finished, the pastor said, "Here's what I want you to do,
put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach.
Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge,
sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap.

Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible
will come to rest on a page.
Look down at the page and read the first thing you see.
That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do
A year later, the businessman went back to the pastor and brought his wife
and children with him.
The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat,
and the children were shining.
The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket
and gave it to the pastor as a donation in thanks for his advice.
The pastor recognized the benefactor, and was curious.
"You did as I suggested?" he asked.
"Absolutely," replied the businessman.
"You went to the beach?"
"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"
"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"
"And what were the first words you saw?"
"Chapter 11."

She was one of those fussy customers who sometimes come into a restaurant.

“Now mind you,” she said, “I want my egg fried exactly 1 1/2 minutes.
The white part should be done real nice, but I don’t want the yolk to get too hard.
About half a pinch of salt… . . no more, no less.
A sniff of pepper.
Oh, yes, make sure the frying pan isn’t too greasy.
And I like my eggs straight from the country

One thing, lady,” said the waitress ever so sweetly.
The hen’s name is Doris. Is that all right?”

An Aggie went on a long trip by bus across America.
He bought one of those tickets that allow you to travel anywhere you want for a certain period of time on the bus.
He was in Seattle, and he decided that he would weigh on the scales before
he got on the bus.
He got on the scale and a voice said:
"You are from Texas, you are an Aggie, you weigh 175 pounds, you’re going home in 2 days.”

That’s amazing.
Behind him was an Eskimo.
He put his money in, the voice said. "You’re an Eskimo. You’re from Alaska.
You weigh 279 pounds

The Aggie said, “That’s amazing.
Let’s try to fool this machine.
Let me take your Parka and put on your seal skin pants and your slippers
So, he put it on and stepped on the scale.

The Voice said:
"You are still an Aggie. You still weigh 175 pounds, and while you were fooling around
with this Eskimo, you missed your bus

How many have discovered that while you were messing around with some other attraction
you missed your bus?
We can get so distracted.

Don't believe it!
How do you respond when someone says:
"Hey, I know a shortcut."
Or "Don't worry, he doesn't bite?”

Or things are said like these:
"No need to set up the tent, it won't rain."
"Hope you don't mind us dropping by, we are only going to stay a minute."
"It will be a short meeting."
"And if elected, I promise ..."
"Well, at least it couldn't get any worse."
"Please tell me. I promised I won't laugh

It is rare to find a person accountable for his own acts.
Mark Twain must have been one.
He once opened a letter addressed to his wife, and then wrote on the envelope,
"Opened by mistake -- to see what was in it."

A little girl from Minneapolis came home from Sunday School with a frown on her face.
"I'm not going back there anymore," she announced with finality.
"I don't like the Bible they keep teaching us."

"Why not?" asked her astonished mother.
"Because," said the little girl, "the Bible is always talking about St. Paul,
and it never once mentions Minneapolis

A little boy's prayer:
"Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister
and my brother and my doggy and me.

Oh, please take care of  yourself, God.
If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big mess


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