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Attitudes They'll Never Right Thinking One Liners No Bonus Fear Of Speed
Answer Machine Only in America Get Me Another Doctor Never Got Caught A Terrible Headache
A Pesky Customer The Real Me My Ancestry Happy Christians For The Funeral
Not Batted Yet The Tater Family Can't Swim, Can He? As Good As Your Dog He Did It On Purpose Capital Punishment
Attitudes 2 Want Credit Her First Jump Feel Inadequate Alarm Clock Having A Baby
Why Worry? You Did Well Will Power One Liners Best Compliment
It Isn't Opportunity Makes A Difference Late And Law Breakers No Special Privileges So, Who's Crazy
Power In Numbers Optimism Or Stupidity Didn't Recognize You Parachute Paradigm
Attitudes 3 Word Rules Dance Also Ring The Bell Repeat That Get With It
Too Polite Real Self-control Miss You Getting Kicked Not Hollering
Never Been Wrong No Driver's License Without His Wallet Prefer Darkness Only When It Breaks
Dangerous Assumption Only If Kindness Fails Didn't Know Her That Well
Business Only One Buying Just Like You Business Signs Good And Bad Not A Quitter
Need Imagination Asleep On The Job Smart Business Management Styles Never Give Me Work
Performance Reviews Business Is Business It's In The Translation Using Copy Machine Employment Recommendations
When Can You Start
Business 2 Wrong Location Not A Madhouse Ad Got Results Fitness Program Too Polite
Letters to Landlords More Than Mother He's My Friend How To Succeed Is It Necessary?
I'll Not Open The Store Yes -- No -- Yes -- No Knew What To Say Worth Ten Dollars Your First Worry
Management Translated Successful Job Placement
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Religious Wife Will Want To Minutes To Kill What's a Lie? Hanging Pastors First Fight
Pastor Sick Deacon's Call Mother's Prayer Missing Something Get Rid Of Pastor
It's In Your Pockets Narrow Baptists No Excuse Sunday God, If You're In There Haven't Missed Too Much
Knew He Was Coming Ten Little Christians Prayer of Black Preacher Professor Has No Brain Three Churches In Revival They Will Come And Get It
Religious 2 Pastoral Candidates Bible And TV Guide Baptize Everybody We Need Light Jesus Said What
Burning Bush Attend Church Baptized Bats Deep And Wide Atheist Complaint
Brother's Funeral Church Didn't Help Extermination What The Bible Means Signs You Don't Know The Bible
Bible Stories Told By Children
Religious 3 Church Signs Praise Music Too Busy For The Sick Meeting Of Board
Wanted In A Pastor Prayer of Bud Robinson Church Members Are Like Sunday To Be Absent Never Heard In Church
Religious 4 Momentum God Can Phenomenon Heat Is Awful Restart Sermon
His Crowd 10 Inches Deep Minister Forgot Found No God Hurt The Church
Finished Sermon Looking For Trouble Ecumenical Meeting Learn From A Nut Indian Unimpressed
Notify The Buzzards Sermon Like Peace ... Really Long Sermon Jack, Its God! Really Knows The Bible
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Just Funny Lady Said Pew Pilot To Tower Can't At Night Shoot Them Duck, Turkey
Run Fast Crazy English Duck Funny Lines No Way
Keep Quiet Kiss A Mule Loan That Mule Praise The Lord
Just Funny 2 Slip Of The Tongue Great To Be A Dog You're Pitching Cross That One Don't ask Her
Cannibals Why Is It? Doctor Said Cat Scan Pull
I'm Married Tough Teacher Lucky Guess Looking Good Chewing Gum Methuselah's Diet Can't Fool With Me
Just Funny 3 Psychiatric Hotline Blonde On Other Side Wait For Police Sic Him Jesus Free Tickets
Cured Her Hiccups Greatest Lies Bumper Stickers Moses And George W. Bush Football's Contribution You Know It's Bad
Just Funny 4 Parrot Tells All Move the Cow Check Bounced Corn Bread Next Door
Girl Kittens Mother Knows Dog Training Dog Can't Read Didn't Want Ball
Now You Tell Me Undress Robber And Ranger Red-faced Mother Same Old Story
The Destructions Mouse Sounds Bad Language Why Did Chicken Cross Road
Just Funny 5 Spy Game New Diet Quick Thinking Dieter's Prayer Comfortable
Cure For It Martin Luther Not In The Tree Write That Down Some Never Learn Pretty Concrete
Relationships Gifts For Mother That's Why It's Chicken Big Sissy Ring Bear
Day Off Job At 7-Up Just Married It's Your Deer Third Husband
A Speaking Part Marriage Discovery Changed My Mind
Age Jokes How Soon His Turn Seven Ages Memories Not My Problem
Golden Old Age Life Of Party Can Still Drive Just Too Tired Tired Of You
Poem Of Elderly
Age Jokes 2 A Surprise Her Zip All Widows Young Bride Over The Hill
Smart Parents Who's Driving Not On The Ark What's Her Name? More Getting Old
Perfect Attendance No Peer Pressure Couldn't Remember
Funny Bits Guard Fired Talk About You So Far, So Good Should Know Difficult English
Gifts You Don't Like When Speeding Stop Or Slow Down Murphy's Law More Murphy's Law
Monster In The Garage Unsuccessful Inventions Geological Questions
Funny Bits 2 Where Are The Stones? Blonde: Yes No Yes No Who's Dumb Eating Peanuts Blonde And Patrolman
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Go To:
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Really Long Sermon: A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterward the pastor asked the man where he had gone.
"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.
"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"
"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then!
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Indian Unimpressed: An Indian attended a service one Sunday, but was unimpressed. When asked about the preacher's sermon he said, "High wind -- big thunder -- no rain."
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Finished Sermon: Having been bored witless by the world's most boring preacher, Jack came out of church before the preacher had finished his sermon. Outside he met a friend who asked, "Has he finished, then?"
He replied, "Oh yes, he's finished, but he won't stop!" . . .
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Sermon Like Peace And Mercy: The city judge went to hear the new preacher. The new preacher was shaking hands with people as they left the church.
As the judge came out, the preacher asked, "Well your honor, how did you like the sermon?"
"Oh, it was wonderful," replied the judge. "It was like the peace and mercy of God."
The new preacher was so flattered that he said, "Oh, I scarcely hoped to achieve that level of preaching. How could you make such a comparison."
"Why, very easily," replied the judge. "It was like the peace of God because it passed all understanding, and like His mercy, I thought it would have endured forever."
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God Can: Someone once asked Jay Kesler, former president of Youth for Christ International, if he believed that God could make a fish big enough to swallow a man.
As a college president and above average in intelligence, in a world in which we have learned to split the atom and go to the moon and send spaceships to Neptune, did Kesler really think that God could make a fish big enough to swallow a man? I mean really?
Dr. Kesler's reply is one of simple trust in a great God.
He answered, "Let me tell you, I not only believe that He can make such a fish, but the God who made the sun and the moon and the stars, if He wanted to, could air-conditioned and carpet the fish!"
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10-inches Deep: A boy was sitting on a park bench with one hand resting on an open Bible. He was loudly exclaiming his praise to God. "Hallelujah! Hallelujah! God is great!" he yelled without worrying whether anyone heard him or not.
Shortly after, along came a man who had recently completed some studies at a local university. Feeling himself very enlightened in the ways of truth and very eager to show this enlightenment, he asked the boy about the source of his joy.
"Hey" asked the boy in return with a bright laugh, "Don't you have any idea what God is able to do? I just read that God opened up the waves of the Red Sea and led the whole nation of Israel right through the middle."
The enlightened man laughed lightly, sat down next to the boy and began to try to open his eyes to the "realities" of the miracles of the Bible.
"That can all be very easily explained. Modern scholarship has shown that the Red Sea in that area was only 10-inches deep at that time. It was no problem for the Israelites to wade across."
The boy was stumped. His eyes wandered from the man back to the Bible laying open in his lap.
The man, content that he had enlightened a poor, naive young person to the finer points of scientific insight, turned to go. Scarcely had he taken two steps when the boy began to rejoice and praise louder than before. The man turned to ask the reason for this resumed jubilation.
"Wow!" exclaimed the boy happily, "God is greater than I thought! Not only did He lead the whole nation of Israel through the Red Sea, He topped it off by drowning the whole Egyptian army in 10-inches of water!"
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Looking For Trouble: The new minister had just moved into town. It was late at night when his wife remembered that their dog, very aptly named "Trouble," had not been taken out yet.
Since it was late and most of the neighbors were asleep, she just slipped on her robe, put the dog on a leash, and stepped out the back door. Unfortunately, the leash slipped out of her hand and the dog took off to explore the new territory.
She ran around the house hoping to see which direction he had gone. Just then a police car was passing by and stopped to see if she needed help.
"No, thank you, "she said, "I'm just out of here looking for Trouble."
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Hurt The Church: A wise old pastor told how some people get mad at the church and decide they will hurt the church by leaving. He explained that they were wrong in thinking that their leaving would hurt the church. The tree is never hurt when an old dried-up apple falls to the ground.
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Phenomenon: This certain country preacher who enjoyed using big words in his sermons. His favorite was the word, phenomenon.
One of his laymen approached him after a sermon in which he had used it often and asked, "Pastor, what does that word phenomenon mean?"
The pastor thought for a moment and then replied, "Well, as you drove your horse and buggy to church this morning, do you remember going by a green pasture surrounded by a white fence?"
"Yes."
"Well," the preacher went on, "that was no phenomenon. And, do you remember that over in the corner of that pasture there was a black cow eating that green grass?"
"Yes."
"Well, that was no phenomenon either. Then, do you recall that in another part of the pasture there was a bluebird sitting on a brown thistle singing a song?"
"Yes," the man said.
"Well," the pastor continued, "that was no phenomenon either.
But, if some Sunday morning on your way to church, you pass that green pasture surrounded by that white fence and you see that black cow sitting on that brown thistle singing like that bluebird -- thats a phenomenon!"
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Restart Sermon: After a morning worship service, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told her Pastor how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.
About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, If you don't be quiet, the Pastor is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again! It worked."
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Momentum: This bulletin misprint emphasized the need to know the difference between momentum and momento: "Our minister is leaving the church this Sunday. Will you please send in a small donation? The congregation wants to give him a little momentum."
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Found No God: An astronomer was lecturing a group in France, and declared, "I have swept the universe with my telescope, and I find no God."
A musician appropriately rebuked the astronomer: "Your statement, sir, is as unreasonable as it is for me to say that I have taken my violin apart, have carefully examined each part with a microscope, and have found no music."
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Notify The Buzzards: A couple named Mr. and Mrs. James Buzzard took care of the memorial gifts and flowers for their church. One Sunday the bulletin containing this announcement: "If a loved one dies, please notify the Buzzards."
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Heat Is Awful: Two men with the same name lived near one another in the same subdivision. One was a pastor; the other was a salesman.
The pastor died, and about the same time, the salesman took a business trip to Florida. When he arrived, he sent a telegram to his wife to let her know he had arrived there safely.
By mistake, the message was delivered to the wife of the deceased pastor. The telegram read: "Arrived safely; heat here awful."
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Minister Forgot: A minister passed along to a beginning preacher a trick he used when he saw the congregation nodding a bit. I suddenly say to them, "Last night I held another man's wife in my arms."
When everyone sits up, shocked, I continue, "it was my own dear mother."
The young preacher thought he'd try it. The next Sunday when most members of his congregation were drowsy, he said in a loud voice, "You know, last night I held another man's wife in my arms."
Stunned, the congregation sat bolt upright and stared, where upon the preacher stammered, "Oh, dear -- I've forgotten who she was."
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His Crowd: A man had been in search of a good church to attend and dropped into one in which the congregation was reading responsively with the minister.
The congregation droned: "We have left undone those things we ought to have done and we have done those things which we ought not to have done."
The man slithered into a pew, smiled in relief, and said to himself: "Thank goodness, I've found my crowd at last!"
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Ecumenical Meeting: During a recent ecumenical gathering, a secretary rushed in shouting, "The building is on fire!"
The Methodist gathered in the corner and prayed. The Baptist cried, "Where is the water?"
The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings. The Lutherans posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil.
The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the damage. The Jews posted symbols on the door hoping the fire would pass.
The Congregationalist shouted, "Every man for himself!" The Fundamentalist proclaimed, "It's the vengeance of God!"
The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out. The Christian Scientists concluded that there was no fire.
The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report.
The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.
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Learn From A Nut: A minister gave an unusual sermon one day, using a peanut to make several important points about the wisdom of God in nature.
One of the members greeted him at the close of the service and said, "Very interesting, Pastor. I never expected to learn so much from a nut."
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Jack, Its God A man named Jack was walking along a steep cliff one day when he accidentally got too close to the edge and fell. On the way down he grabbed a branch, which temporarily stopped his fall. He looked down and to his horror saw that the canyon fell straight down for more than a thousand feet.
He couldn't hang onto the branch forever, and there was no way for him to climb up the steep wall of the cliff. So, Jack began yelling for help, hoping that someone passing by would hear him and lower a rope or something. "HELP! HELP! Is anyone up there? HELP!
He yelled for hours, but no one heard him. He was about to give up when he heard a voice.
"Jack, Jack. Can you hear me?" "Yes, yes! I can hear you. I'm down here!"
"I can see you, Jack. Are you all right?" "Yes, but . . . Who are you, and where are you?"
"I am the Lord, Jack. I'm everywhere." "The Lord? You mean, GOD?"
"That's Me."
"God, please help me! I promise if You'll get me down from here, I'll stop sinning. I'll be a really good person. I'll serve You for the rest of my life."
"Easy on the promises, Jack. Let's just get you down from there; then we can talk. Now, here's what I want you to do. Listen carefully."
"I'll do anything, Lord. Just tell me what to do."
"Okay. Let go of the branch."
"What?"
"I said, let go of the branch. Just trust Me. Let go."
There was a long silence.
Finally Jack yelled, "HELP! HELP! IS ANYONE ELSE UP THERE?"
Have you ever felt like Jack? We say that we want to know the will of God, but when we find out what it is, we can't handle it. It sounds too scary, too difficult. We decide to look elsewhere.
When He says, "Let go of the things that stand between you and Me, and trust Me with your life," it sounds pretty scary.
But when we let go, we find freedom and safety in His hands.
Back To Top
Really Knows The Bible Most church members who attend church every Sunday have a very superficial knowledge of the Word of God. Years ago I read of a lawyer who became aggravated with one of his fellow lawyers who kept winning his cases by quoting the Bible.
He would preface his remarks by saying, "As the Bible says," or "As the word of God declares", and then, he would come out with a statement that would exactly prove his point.
The young lawyer was jealous because this attorney kept winning all his cases, and so he decided to challenge him.
One day, as they were standing in the courtroom, this young lawyer challenge the attorney, "You are always quoting the Bible to prove your point. You pretend to know the Bible so well, but I don't believe you do. In fact I bet you five dollars that you can't quote The Lord's Prayer."
The attorney was put on the spot, and without cracking a smile, bowed his head and looking very sanctimonious began to pray,
"Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take."
Then, the most remarkable thing happen. They young lawyer said, "Well, you sure fooled me -- you really know the Bible."
Our churches are full of unlearned, anemic, undernourished, and even sickly and diseased Christians.
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