Wrong Location: A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace".
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said: "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, ‘ Congratulations on your new location. ‘".
Letters To Landlords: The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared."
"This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door."
"I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall."
"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."
"Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant."
I’ll Not Open The Store: It was the day of the big sale. Long before the store's opening time there was a long line in front of the store.
As the time came for the store's opening, a short man began pushing his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again.
As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I'm not opening the store!"
Is It Necessary? A surgeon asked a patient, "Could you afford an operation if I thought it was necessary?" The patient answered, "Would you think it was necessary if I couldn't afford one?"
Not A Madhouse: Psychiatrist to office nurse: "Please just say 'we're terribly busy,' not it's a madhouse."
Management Translated: MANAGEMENT: That's very interesting. TRANSLATION: I disagree.
MANAGEMENT: I don't totally disagree with you. TRANSLATION: You may be right, but I don't care.
MANAGEMENT: You have to show some flexibility. TRANSLATION: You have to do it whether you want to or not.
MANAGEMENT: You obviously put a lot of work into this. TRANSLATION: This is awful.
MANAGEMENT: Help me to understand. TRANSLATION: I don't know what you're talking about, and I don't think you do either.
MANAGEMENT: You need to see the big picture. TRANSLATION: My boss thinks it's a good idea.
MANAGEMENT: We're going to follow a strict methodology here. TRANSLATION: We're going to do it my way.
MANAGEMENT: I'd like your buy-in on this. TRANSLATION: I want someone else to blame when this thing bombs.
MANAGEMENT: We want you to be the executive champion of this project. TRANSLATION: I want to be able to blame you for my mistakes.
MANAGEMENT: We need to syndicate this decision. TRANSLATION: We need to spread the blame if it backfires.
MANAGEMENT: It's not possible. It's impractical. It won't work. TRANSLATION: I don't know how to do it.
MANAGEMENT: It's a no-brainer. TRANSLATION: It's a perfect decision for me to handle.
MANAGEMENT: I'm glad you asked me that. TRANSLATION: Public relations has written a carefully phrased answer.
MANAGEMENT: There are larger issues at stake. TRANSLATION: I've made up my mind so don't bother me with the facts.
MANAGEMENT: I'll never lie to you. TRANSLATION: The truth will change frequently.
MANAGEMENT: The upcoming reductions will benefit the vast majority of employees. TRANSLATION: The upcoming reductions will benefit me.
More Than Mother: Behind in his payments to a creditor, a delinquent customer wrote the company, saying he would gladly begin to pay off the debt as soon as he returned money he owed his mother.
He received a reply in the mail a few days later: "Dear Sir: after checking our records, we have concluded that we have done more for you than your mother ever did: we've carried you for 15 months."
Knew What To Say: The City Council was interviewing an applicant for the position of city manager. One council member asked the candidate, "How much is two plus two?"
The applicant jumped up, opened the door and peered up and down the hall. Then he closed all the window blinds, returned to the desk and whispered, "How much do you want it to be?" He was hired on the spot.
Ad Got Results: One businessman asked another, "Is your advertising getting results?" "It sure it is," replied his colleague. "Last week we advertise for a night watchman. The next night we were robbed."
He’s My Friend: A man visited an auto mechanic who gave him an estimate on repairs for his car. The man said, "That sounds fine. But I also intend to get an estimate from the mechanic down the street."
"Well," the man replied, "I can't say anything against him. He's the best friend I got."
Surprised at the friendly competition, he went and got the second estimate. When he returned to the first repair shop, the mechanic greeted him with a smile. "He doubled my bid for labor, didn't he? I told you he's the best friend I got."
Yes -- No -- Yes -- No: A copy machine at a community college was known for its inefficiency. Tired of taking flak for its poor performance, the department secretaries added the following note: The Copier Is down. Yes -- We have called for the service technician. No -- They will not get here today. No -- We cannot fix it ourselves. No -- We don't know how long it will take. No -- We don't know what caused it. No -- We don't know who caused it. Yes -- We are keeping it. No -- We do not know what you are going to do.
Too Polite: A woman who frequented a small antique shop rarely purchased anything, but always found fault with the merchandise and the prices.
The manager and her assistant took the woman's grumpy complaints in stride, but one day she went too far. "Why is it I never manage to get what I ask for in your shop?" Demanded the woman.
A smile on her face, the clerk calmly replied, "Perhaps it's because we're too polite!"
Worth Ten Dollars: A group of businessman were sitting in the hotel lobby between sessions at a convention. A man walked by, and introduced himself as a mind reader. "I'll bet any man in this group $10 I can tell him what he is thinking about," he said.
"I'll take that bet," declared one of the conventioneers.
The mind reader gazed intently into his eyes for a few seconds, and then announced, "You are thinking of going to New York, buying $10,000 worth of goods, then going home, declaring yourself bankrupt, and settling with your creditors at 10 cents on the dollar."
The businessman, a merchant, did not answer, but reached into his pocket and handed over $10.
"Aha," said the mind reader. "You agree that I read your mind correctly!"
"Not at all," said the merchant. "But the idea is easily worth $10."
Fitness Program: Sign on company bulletin board: “This firm requires no physical-fitness program. Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, running down the boss, flogging dead horses, knifing friends in the back, dodging responsibility and pushing their luck."
How To Succeed: Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hard-working employees heading for important meetings.
People with nothing in their hands look like their heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look like their heading for the restroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
Use computers to look busy. Anytime you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal email, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work.
When you get caught by your boss – and you will get caught – your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander.
Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace.
To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing – they call because they want you to do work for them. That's no way to live.
Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour. That way, you're hard-working and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.
If youdiligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you.
The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it."
If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that a limit frequently.
One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages
Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full" – a sure sign that you are a hard-working employee in high demand.
Successful Job Placement: Instructions: Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without instruction. At the end of the time, go back and see what they are doing.
If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in ENGINEERING. If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to FINANCE. If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them to MANUFACTURING. If they are talking to the chairs, PERSONNEL is a good spot for them. If they are writing on the walls, send them to TECHNICAL PUBLICATIONS. If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to SECURITY. If they try to tell you how much they've done so far, definitely MARKETING. If they are sleeping, they are MANAGEMENT material. And, if they've left early, put them in SALES.
Your First Worry: A consultant answered an ad to work with a businessman. At the interview the proprietor said that his business wasn't going well. He was losing money. He was worried about it, but he didn't have time to both worry and do the work that was necessary to save the business.
He wanted to just devote himself to the business and pay this consultant to do all the worrying about quality control, about payments due, about profit and loss ratios, about anything at all that needed worrying. He was willing to pay generously for the consultants time.
They settled on an annual fee of $75,000 plus a liberal expense allowance. The consultant agreed, but said, "If you're in such trouble, where are you going to get the $75,000 to pay me?"
