Psychiatric Hotline: "Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer."
Wait For Police: A woman and a man were involved in a car accident --it was a bad one. Both of their cars were totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of them were hurt. After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, "So, you're a man -- that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but fortunately we are both unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends, and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man thoughtfully replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man nodded his head in agreement, opened it, and drank half the bottle. He then handed it back to the woman.
The woman took the bottle, and immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man. In surprise, he asked, "Aren't you having any?"
"No," the woman replied, "I think I'll just wait for the police."
Free Tickets: Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the three lawyers.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers. When they board the train, the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.
The train departs! Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding.
Greatest Lies: The check is in the mail. I'll respect you in the morning. I'm from your government, and I am here to help you.
You get this one, I'll pay next time. My wife doesn't understand me. Trust me, I'll take care of everything.
Of course I love you. I am getting a divorce. Drinking? Why, no, Officer. I never inhaled.
It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing. I never watch television except for PBS ...But we can still be good friends. She means nothing to me.
Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty." I gave at the office. Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone. I'll call you later.
We'll release the upgrade by the end of the year. Read my lips: no new taxes. I've never done anything like this before. Now, I'm going to tell you the truth.
It's supposed to make that noise. . ..Then take a left. You can't miss it. Yes, I did. Don't worry, it's OK -- I'm sterile. I did not have sex with that woman.
Blonde On Other Side: A blonde goes out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoohoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are already on the other side."
Sic Him Jesus: A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
“Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I am just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me huh? Who do think you are?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?
The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiller, Jesus..."
You Know It’s Bad: The Government notifies you that your Social Security number has been revoked. Your personal computer threatens to tell all.
As the moving van starts to unload next door, the first four items down the ramp are dirt bikes. Your 14-year-old daughter insists Jesus never preached against pierced noses.
Your ailing station wagon fails to qualify for the demolition derby.
Upon arriving home from a week in the Bahamas, you can't find your Bible with six months of Sunday school plans tucked inside. Your new boss asks if they've filled your old position yet. Your pacemaker is recalled by the manufacturer.
Your church treasurer says, "The IRS called me the other day about some of your donation totals."
Bumper Stickers: Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
Honk if you love peace and quiet. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool. A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
Bottomless pit of needs & wants. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
Does your train of thought have a caboose? Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil... See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you." Better living through denial. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees, and then, name streets after them.
I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming, then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes? Don't worry. I forgot your name, too! Adults are just kids who owe money. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no. Is it time for your medication or mine? I plead contemporary insanity.
I refuse to star in your psychodrama. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. How do I set a laser printer to stun? I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
Football’s Contribution: A former football coach for a Western University was once asked by a television reporter what contribution modern football had made to physical fitness. His reply was, "Absolutely nothing."
He defined football as "22 men on the field who desperately need rest, and 50,000 people in the grandstand who desperately need exercise."
Cured Her Hiccups: In Ireland, Pat is not feeling very well and he decides to go to a doctor. While he is waiting in the doctor's reception room, a nun comes out of the doctor's office. She looks very ashen, drawn and haggard.
Pat goes into the doctor's office and says to the doctor: "I just saw a nun leaving who looked absolutely terrible. I have never seen a woman look worse."
The doctor says: "I just told her that she is pregnant."
Pat exclaims: "Oh my, is she?"
The doctor responds: "No, but it sure cured her hiccups."
Moses And Bush: George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.
George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?" The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.
George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?". The man continued to peruse the ceiling.
George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?". The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am!"
George W. asked him why he was so reluctant to reply.
Moses replied, "The last time I spoke to a bush I had to spend forty years in the desert".
