Gifts For Mother: Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
Big Sissy: One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice: "The big sissy!"
Her Husband: A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!"
The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?"
He says, "No! This is her husband!"
Ring Bear: A little boy was in a relative's wedding.
As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.
So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
It’s Chicken: A guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I'm worried about my wife, I think she's going deaf."
Doc says, "Well, when you get home, try to figure out at what distance she can hear, and we'll design a hearing aid for her."
So when the man gets home that day, he walks into the house, sees his wife in the kitchen cooking dinner. He slams the door and yells, "Honey, I'm home! What's for dinner?!"
No response!
He steps into the next room and yells, "Honey, I'm home!! What's for dinner?"
No response!
He steps into the doorway of the kitchen and yells, "Honey, I'm home!!! What's for dinner?"
Still no response!
He walks right up to her and yells in her ear, "Honey, I'm home!!! What's for dinner?"
She turns to him and yells, "FOR THE FOURTH TIME, CHICKEN!!!!!"
Day Off: Mr. Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're shorthanded, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith. "I knew I could count on you!"
That’s Why: A man is holding his wife's hand as she lays on her death bed. "Jerry, I, . . ., I have something to tell you before I pass on."
"No, no, dear. Everything is forgiven now. All is well."
"No, Jerry. I've been carrying this load for years now, and I must tell you. I, . . ., I've been unfaithful to you. I slept with your best friend, Phil. I'm so terribly sorry."
"Yes, dear, I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"
Marriage Discovery: There was a schoolboy who wasn't so sure about Benjamin Franklin. He was required to write an essay on Franklin's life.
He squirmed in his chair, chewed his pencil, took out a piece of paper, wrote at the top of it, Benjamin Franklin, and then produced this masterpiece:
"Benjamin Franklin was born in Boston, but got tired of Boston and moved to Philadelphia. When he got to Philadelphia he was hungry, so he bought a loaf of bread. He put the bread under his arm. He walked up the street. He passed a woman. The woman smiled at him.
-- A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
It’s Your Deer: Married couples should always try to do things together, especially when they begin to drift apart.
One couple took this advice seriously, and when he asked his wife to go deer hunting, she accepted, though she had never been before, she was a city slicker. She had never even seen a deer.
Nevertheless he took her to a tree stand and helped her up, telling her to watch the open field carefully.
He went about ten yards away into the underbrush to sit by a firebreak and about midmorning he heard several shots coming from her direction.
Running toward the clearing, he saw a man jumping frantically up and down waving his hands while his wife was saying, "Get away from that deer, that's my deer!"
The man yelled back, "All right, lady, it's your deer, but let me get my saddle off of him!"
Just Married: A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned about the room being bugged. The groom says, "I'll look for a bug."
He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. "A-HA!"
Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, "How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"
The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"
The hotel manager says, "Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them!"
Changed My Mind: "You know, dear," he said breaking the long silence. "I've been thinking over our argument."
"Well," she snapped, without looking up from her reading.
"Yes, dear, I've decided to agree with you after all," he said meekly.
"That won't do you any good," she sniffed. "I've changed my mind."
Job At 7-Up: Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.
The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, You're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You sir, are the father of triplets."
"Wow, That's really an incredible coincidence " he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. " My buddies at work will never let me live this one down.
An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back, this time she turn to the 3rd man - who had been quiet in the corner.
She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply. "Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.
After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor.
The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.
When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again. "I should have never taken that job at 7-Up "I should have never taken that job at 7-Up "I should have never taken that job at 7-Up...”
