Attitudes They'll Never Right Thinking One Liners No Bonus Fear Of Speed
Answer Machine Only in America Get Me Another Doctor Never Got Caught A Terrible Headache
A Pesky Customer The Real Me My Ancestry Happy Christians For The Funeral
Not Batted Yet The Tater Family Can't Swim, Can He? As Good As Your Dog He Did It On Purpose Capital Punishment
Attitudes 2 Want Credit Her First Jump Feel Inadequate Alarm Clock Having A Baby
Why Worry? You Did Well Will Power One Liners Best Compliment
It Isn't Opportunity Makes A Difference Late And Law Breakers No Special Privileges So, Who's Crazy
Power In Numbers Optimism Or Stupidity Didn't Recognize You Parachute Paradigm
Attitudes 3 Word Rules Dance Also Ring The Bell Repeat That Get With It
Too Polite Real Self-control Miss You Getting Kicked Not Hollering
Never Been Wrong No Driver's License Without His Wallet Prefer Darkness Only When It Breaks
Dangerous Assumption Only If Kindness Fails Didn't Know Her That Well
Business Only One Buying Just Like You Business Signs Good And Bad Not A Quitter
Need Imagination Asleep On The Job Smart Business Management Styles Never Give Me Work
Performance Reviews Business Is Business It's In The Translation Using Copy Machine Employment Recommendations
When Can You Start
Business 2 Wrong Location Not A Madhouse Ad Got Results Fitness Program Too Polite
Letters to Landlords More Than Mother He's My Friend How To Succeed Is It Necessary?
I'll Not Open The Store Yes -- No -- Yes -- No Knew What To Say Worth Ten Dollars Your First Worry
Management Translated Successful Job Placement
Religious Wife Will Want To Minutes To Kill What's a Lie? Hanging Pastors First Fight
Pastor Sick Deacon's Call Mother's Prayer Missing Something Get Rid Of Pastor
It's In Your Pockets Narrow Baptists No Excuse Sunday God, If You're In There Haven't Missed Too Much
Knew He Was Coming Ten Little Christians Prayer of Black Preacher Professor Has No Brain Three Churches In Revival They Will Come And Get It
Religious 2 Pastoral Candidates Bible And TV Guide Baptize Everybody We Need Light Jesus Said What
Burning Bush Attend Church Baptized Bats Deep And Wide Atheist Complaint
Brother's Funeral Church Didn't Help Extermination What The Bible Means Signs You Don't Know The Bible
Bible Stories Told By Children
Religious 3 Church Signs Praise Music Too Busy For The Sick Meeting Of Board
Wanted In A Pastor Prayer of Bud Robinson Church Members Are Like Sunday To Be Absent Never Heard In Church
Religious 4 Momentum God Can Phenomenon Heat Is Awful Restart Sermon
His Crowd 10 Inches Deep Minister Forgot Found No God Hurt The Church
Finished Sermon Looking For Trouble Ecumenical Meeting Learn From A Nut Indian Unimpressed
Notify The Buzzards Sermon Like Peace ... Really Long Sermon Jack, It’s God! Really Knows The Bible
Just Funny Lady Said Pew Pilot To Tower Can't At Night Shoot Them Duck, Turkey
Run Fast Crazy English Duck Funny Lines No Way
Keep Quiet Kiss A Mule Loan That Mule Praise The Lord
Just Funny 2 Slip Of The Tongue Great To Be A Dog You're Pitching Cross That One Don't ask Her
Cannibals Why Is It? Doctor Said Cat Scan Pull
I'm Married Tough Teacher Lucky Guess Looking Good Chewing Gum Methuselah's Diet Can't Fool With Me
Just Funny 3 Psychiatric Hotline Blonde On Other Side Wait For Police Sic Him Jesus Free Tickets
Cured Her Hiccups Greatest Lies Bumper Stickers Moses And George W. Bush Football's Contribution You Know It's Bad
Just Funny 4 Parrot Tells All Move the Cow Check Bounced Corn Bread Next Door
Girl Kittens Mother Knows Dog Training Dog Can't Read Didn't Want Ball
Now You Tell Me Undress Robber And Ranger Red-faced Mother Same Old Story
The Destructions Mouse Sounds Bad Language Why Did Chicken Cross Road
Just Funny 5 Spy Game New Diet Quick Thinking Dieter's Prayer Comfortable
Cure For It Martin Luther Not In The Tree Write That Down Some Never Learn Pretty Concrete
Relationships Gifts For Mother That's Why It's Chicken Big Sissy Ring Bear
Day Off Job At 7-Up Just Married It's Your Deer Third Husband
A Speaking Part Marriage Discovery Changed My Mind
Age Jokes How Soon His Turn Seven Ages Memories Not My Problem
Golden Old Age Life Of Party Can Still Drive Just Too Tired Tired Of You
Poem Of Elderly
Age Jokes 2 A Surprise Her Zip All Widows Young Bride Over The Hill
Smart Parents Who's Driving Not On The Ark What's Her Name? More Getting Old
Perfect Attendance No Peer Pressure Couldn't Remember
Funny Bits Guard Fired Talk About You So Far, So Good Should Know Difficult English
Gifts You Don't Like When Speeding Stop Or Slow Down Murphy's Law More Murphy's Law
Monster In The Garage Unsuccessful Inventions Geological Questions
Funny Bits 2 Where Are The Stones? Blonde: Yes No Yes No Who's Dumb Eating Peanuts Blonde And Patrolman
A truck driver for a florist truck stopped at a roadside diner. His waitress brought him a hamburger, a cup of coffee and a piece of pie. As the trucker was about to start eating, three men in leather jackets pull up on motorcycles and came inside.
One grabbed the man's hamburger, the second man drank his coffee and the other one took his pie.
The truck driver didn't say a word. He got up, put on his jacket, paid the cashier and left.
One of the bikers said to the cashier, "Not much of a man, is he?"
"He's not much of a driver either," she replied. "He just ran his truck over three motorcycles."
Sophie and Daphne were two elderly widows in Florida. They were curious about the latest arrival in their apartment complex. He was a quiet, distinguished gentleman who seem to believe in keeping to himself.
One day, Daphne said: “Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you catch him at the pool, and find out a little more about him. He looks so lonely."
So Sophie went over to talk to the man while he was sitting beside the pool. She said: "My friend and I were wondering why you look so lonely.”
He answered, "Of course, I'm lonely. I've spent the past 20 years in prison." She asked, "Oh -- why?"
He said, "I strangled my third wife." Then she asked, "Oh, what happen to your second wife?" He said, "I shot her."
Then she asked, "And what about your first wife?" He answered, "We got into a fight, and I threw her off the rooftop of a hotel."
Sophne said, "Oh, my."
Then Sophne turned to her friend on the other side of the pool and called out to her: "Yoo hoo, Daphne? It's OK. He's single!"
A woman went to a lawyer to asked about a divorce. The lawyer asked, "Madam, what grounds do you have?" She answered, "About six acres."
The lawyer responded, "No, I don't think you quite understand. Let me rephrase the question. Do you have a grudge?"
The lady said, "No, just a parking space."
The lawyer said, "I'll try again. Does your husband beat you up?" The lady answered, " No, I always get up at least an hour before he does."
The lawyer could see that he was fighting a losing battle, "Madam, are you sure you want a divorce?"
She answered, "I'm not the one who wants a divorce. My husband does. He claims we don't communicate."
It was his first tour of guard duty and the young recruit was a bit nervous. His orders were to admit only those cars which had a special windshield sticker. |As luck would have it, one of the first cars he stopped at the gate was a chauffeur-driven staff car with a high-ranking officer in the back seat and no sticker on the windshield.
The officer instructed the driver, "Drive right on in." The recruit said meekly, "I'm sorry sir, but since your car has no sticker, I cannot let you pass."
Again, the officer instructed the driver, "I said drive on in."
The recruit said quietly, "Begging your pardon, sir, but I'm new at this. Who do I shoot, you or the driver?"
A farmer killed a pig, and hung it up for the night. He intended to butcher it in the morning, but the next day it was gone. He didn't tell anyone about it, and nothing happened for more than two months.
Then another farmer, who lived down the road, came by and said: "By the way, Josh, did you ever find out who stole your pig?"
"Nope," said Josh. "Not till just now."
What Famous Mothers May Have Said!
Mona Lisa's Mother: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us."
Humpty Dumpty's Mother: "Humpty, if I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"
Babe Ruth's Mother: "Babe, how many times have I told you -- quit playing ball in the house. That's the third broken window this week!"
Michelangelo's Mother: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
Abraham Lincoln's Mother: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Why can’t you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
Mary's Mother: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school. But I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."
Batman's Mother: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?"
Goldilock's Mother: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"
Paul Revere's Mother: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is passed your curfew!"
Jonah's Mother: "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you really been for the last three days."
Edison's Mother: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed."
Two businessmen were comparing notes. The first man asked, "Is your advertising getting results?"
"It sure is!" Groaned his companion. "Last week, we advertised for a night watchman -- and the next night we got robbed."
A man from London took a business trip to the orient. In Taipei at a Chamber of Commerce luncheon, he was asked to say a few words. Almost none of his audience could understand English, and he could not speak a word of Chinese.
So his words were interpreted by a translator -- sentence by sentence. He began, "Well, I just want all you fellows to know that I am tickled to death to be here."
A look of agony appeared on the interpreter's face. In halting Chinese, the interpreter said, "This poor man scratches himself until he dies, only to be with you."
Things My Mother Taught Me
My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done: "If you going to kill each other, do it outside, I just finished cleaning."
My mother taught me religion: "You'd better pray that will come out of the carpet!"
My mother taught me logic: "Because I say so, that's why."
My mother taught me foresight: "Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me up about stamina: "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about hypocrisy: "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate."
During my weekly visit to the beauty salon, the conversation in the shop turned to how men and women were beginning a courtship and marrying soon after a spouse died instead of waiting a year or two as was the custom.
"I know exactly what my husband will do after I die," one woman said. "He will marry the first woman who brings him a pan of cornbread."
All was quiet for a moment; then one of the beauticians turn to the woman and asked, "Does he like butter on it."
The following are genuine comments on accident insurance claims forms: An invisible car came from nowhere, struck my car and vanished. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother in law and headed over the embankment.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him. In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel, and had an accident. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car -- I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
Telltale signs that you're getting old: You stoop to tie your shoes, and wonder what else you can do while you are down there Everything hurts, what doesn't hurt, doesn't work. You can remember when everything was just grassy fields.
You get out of breath playing chess. You keep in touch with friends through the obituary column. Whenever you fall asleep, people worry that your are dead. Your knees buckle, but your belt doesn’t.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. You have a party, and the neighbors don't even realize it.
Divine Advice
A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody -- it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a pastor and poured out his story of tears and woe.
When he had finished, the pastor said, "Here's what I want you to do, put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap.
Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."
A year later, the businessman went back to the pastor and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, and the children were shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket and gave it to the pastor as a donation in thanks for his advice.
The pastor recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.
"Absolutely," replied the businessman.
"You went to the beach?"
"Absolutely."
"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"
"Absolutely."
"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"
"Absolutely."
"And what were the first words you saw?"
"Chapter 11."
She was one of those fussy customers who sometimes come into a restaurant.
“Now mind you,” she said, “I want my egg fried exactly 1 1/2 minutes. The white part should be done real nice, but I don’t want the yolk to get too hard. About half a pinch of salt… . . no more, no less. A sniff of pepper. Oh, yes, make sure the frying pan isn’t too greasy. And I like my eggs straight from the country.”
“One thing, lady,” said the waitress ever so sweetly. “The hen’s name is Doris. Is that all right?”
An Aggie went on a long trip by bus across America. He bought one of those tickets that allow you to travel anywhere you want for a certain period of time on the bus. He was in Seattle, and he decided that he would weigh on the scales before he got on the bus. He got on the scale and a voice said: "You are from Texas, you are an Aggie, you weigh 175 pounds, you’re going home in 2 days.”
That’s amazing. Behind him was an Eskimo. He put his money in, the voice said. "You’re an Eskimo. You’re from Alaska. You weigh 279 pounds.
The Aggie said, “That’s amazing. Let’s try to fool this machine. Let me take your Parka and put on your seal skin pants and your slippers.” So, he put it on and stepped on the scale.
The Voice said: "You are still an Aggie. You still weigh 175 pounds, and while you were fooling around with this Eskimo, you missed your bus.”
How many have discovered that while you were messing around with some other attraction you missed your bus? We can get so distracted.
Don't believe it! How do you respond when someone says: "Hey, I know a shortcut." Or "Don't worry, he doesn't bite?”
Or things are said like these: "No need to set up the tent, it won't rain." "Hope you don't mind us dropping by, we are only going to stay a minute." "It will be a short meeting." "And if elected, I promise ..." "Well, at least it couldn't get any worse." "Please tell me. I promised I won't laugh."
It is rare to find a person accountable for his own acts. Mark Twain must have been one. He once opened a letter addressed to his wife, and then wrote on the envelope, "Opened by mistake -- to see what was in it."
A little girl from Minneapolis came home from Sunday School with a frown on her face. "I'm not going back there anymore," she announced with finality. "I don't like the Bible they keep teaching us."
"Why not?" asked her astonished mother. "Because," said the little girl, "the Bible is always talking about St. Paul, and it never once mentions Minneapolis."
A little boy's prayer: "Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me.
Oh, please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big mess."
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