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They’ll Never -- Negative Thinking

Negative thinking is the attitude of the old farmer...
Also:“If You Are As Good As Your Dog

Right Thinking - Matthew Henry
On the way home Matthew Henry was robbed.
Also:One Liners

Can’t Swim, Can He?” -
There is a story about an optimistic farmer...

Not Very Optimistic!
There was an old man in the hospital who was dying.
The family was called to the hospital for the final
 hours.
Also: “He Did It On Purpose!”

Called For Jury Duty
Mrs. Crumps was  called to serve for jury duty,
but asked to be excused because she didn't believe
 in capital punishment
Also:.Only In America...

Fear Of New
In 1829, Martin Van Buren wrote the president...
Also: A Terrible Headache

For The Funeral
An elderly man was at home, dying in bed.
He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate...
Also: No Bonus

“Never Got Caught!”
 An applicant was filling out a job application...
Also: No Air-conditoner

Happy?
It is very difficult to determine whether someone
is happy. Erma Bombeck has pinpointed the reason.
Also: If You Can Be...

Not Batted Yet
As a pastor was driving home from work
one day, he stopped to watch a local Little League baseball game...
Also: Answering Machines

The Real Me!
A woman who was out in the yard working
when a moving van pulled up next door...
Also: My Ancestry

The Tater Family
"Some People Are Like Potatoes"

Want Credit?
"A turtle who wanted to spend the winter in Florida,
but he knew he could never walk that far.

Why Worry?
Many folks worry about things that never happen.
It is like the patient in the mental hospital...
Also: “So’s Who Is Crazy?”

Power In Numbers
Hearing about a dinosaur alive in the rainforest
of South America, a professor launches
a scientific expedition....

“You Did Well!”
I was working as a substitute teacher when some
 boys became unruly....

Late And Law
Dr. Adrian Rogers after arriving slightly late
to a prayer meeting:
Also Several Short Jokes

Optimism Or Stupidity
Two Cowboys had fallen on hard times in the old West.
They could not find work and were in danger of starving
to death.

Nothing Ever Works!
Gertrude was making her first parachute jump.
The instructor said, "First, you pull the big cord..”.

“Didn’t Recognize You!”
This 75 year old woman had a vision  one night,
she saw and spoke to God...

Feel Inadequate
Two cows were grazing alongside a highway when
a tank-truck of milk on its way to the distributor
happened to pass.

Makes A Difference
As an old man walked along the beach at dawn,
he noticed a young man picking up starfish...

No Special Privileges
When Christian Herter was governor of assachusetts,
he was running hard for a second term in office...

No Need To Worry!
The philosophy of this soldier could apply to many of us:
One of two things is certain...

Parachute Paradigm
You are one of two people on a malfunctioning airplane
with only one parachute. How would you react?

Dangerous Assumption
On a summer vacation a boy from New York City
was hiking at night in the Rocky Mountain National Park.
Also: Word Game Rules

Too Polite
It's for certain that you can carry this politeness thing too far.
Just take a look at this obstetrical case.

“Only When It Breaks!”
There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high
 on a cliff several hundred feet in the air...

The Trouble Tree
The carpenter I hired to help me restore an old farmhouse.
He had just finished a rough first day on the job.

Dance Also!
A man went to a pet shop and asked for a bird
that could sing.

Real Self-control
"I'm rather proud of my self-control, "remarked Paul.
"I've stopped smoking and stuck to it now
for two weeks."

Do It Yourself
A man was driving past a country estate and saw a sign
on a gatepost: "Please ring bell for caretaker."

Only If Kindness Fails
In that trying time preceding the program,
the visiting lecturer was being entertained
by a local leader of the fluttery type.

“I Can’t Do That!”
As a courier for an express delivery service,
a man tried to deliver a package that required
refrigeration, but found no one home.

Desert Nomad
An old story tells of a desert nomad who awakened
in the middle of the night. He lit a candle and...